I Must Be Crazy.....or Why I STILL Go To Church...

Here it is... my biiiig answer...

Why should ANYONE go to church? There has been so much damage that has come out of the institutional church over the years...heck, over the MILLENIA.....that I believe this is a perfectly reasonable question.

First of all, I don't think church is for everyone, I have seen people so entirely damaged by spiritual leaders, elders, and authority figures in the church that church is trauma to them... a spiritual Hiroshima after the bomb dropped... people who have blackened, charred skin after the harsh judging or condescending words of another, those who are STILL vomiting after all that was stuffed down their throats that turned out to be so toxic, even those who lay half-dead...aware that something may be going on spiritually but having sustained enough damage that there is no fight left....

If you think I'm being overly dramatic about the damage religious leaders can do, you need look no further than your nearest history book.....or just turn on today's news to see Elissa Wall talk about how she was forced -at 14- to marry her 19 yr old cousin because the Prophet of their church had determined that this was the will of God. On a smaller level, I have personally seen spiritual leaders do this... claim to know the will of God for another...many, many times, not necessarily at the level of creating a relationship that would put a 14 yr old through a horrific trauma, but definitely at the level where I have seen some serious damage done.

So why do I go?

It is really kind of surprising... when my husband was fired after his last 10-year worship pastor position, it was horribly painful... we had poured EVERYTHING into this ministry, only to have it turn up ashes....but this blog isn't about that church or what happened to us there...

This is about the magic that can, and still does happen, in a body of people who care about one another so much---let me back up:

At the time we were fired, Feb of 08, we were both without work (my husband was full time, but I had been volunteering  at the church heavily the whole time), without savings--having been told to have faith in God for these things, and having given all of my free time to the church instead of working, we both lived off of Mike's income, and having an 8 yr old girl and 11 yr old boy who had been homeschooled and now would have to abruptly go back to school. THERE IS NO UNEMPLOYMENT FOR YOU if you are let go from a church job, something we were totally unaware of.  We spent the first month or two in shock, then as the truth sank in, I realized I had to go back to work, and we entered the phase of our lives called You Will Both Work Your Butts Off As Many Hours As Possible Or Your Kids Will Have No Future. Then, two years later, just as we were starting to make some headway, our house burned down and we had to rebuild from the foundation and 3 walls. We are still in this phase of overwork, and it has taken a toll on the kids as we try to keep our heads above water. We made a lot of dumb decisions years back, and I'm not talking about things like furniture or a new car, it was ALWAYS about the church, but I can't go back now and un-do these things....we THOUGHT we were doing what was right at the time, it was what the church taught, but once the church left us behind.....and we went through this...WHY would I ever get involved again? Can't it just be enough to hang around with good friends? 

I VERY hesitantly went to a local gathering-Radiant Fellowship, which is a little, humble, mildly decaying brick building in town.... and began to heal. It still seems strange to me that in one body you can experience trauma and in another healing-though they all fall under the name "church", but it's true, just like people, different bodies of believers have their own idiosyncrasies, or own focus or specialty, or own sociopathy or other nice things or disorders. Radiant turned out to be a bit of a hospital for those who were spiritually hurt in some way, the pastor having been in  on elder's meetings since his teen years and being well aware of the ugliness that so often resides under the hood. It felt good to connect with other damaged and broken people who weren't afraid to share their hurts, it felt so much better than me hanging my head in shame at my faults while looking around at all of those who appeared to have it so much more together than me, which was my old church M.O.

Fast forward to last night, when we went to Church at the Pub with Dave and Sue.... this is a ministry that is meant to get to know those in this community from all walks of life. It is designed to minister to others, last night it ministered to me. You see, we sat and talked over the faded bartop, goofing off and laughing and generally having a good time, with Sue showing me a magic trick I STILL can't figure out, even though she walked me through it twice.... but the real magic didn't happen until we were leaving,

You see, my son Isaac is 14 and has been extremely resilient through these last 3 1/2 years as we walk through all of this, both of my kids have been, they have had no choice but to walk through us being gone a majority of the time due to having to work so hard to keep the house, and we have to be pretty choosy about what they take--dance is too expensive, gymnastics a cheaper alternative.... every little fee and charge is weighed against the fact that we have to make a living as musicians who were too blind to read the writing on the church wall early enough to figure out that this wouldn't pay the bills...but Isaac had just ONE THING he wanted to do this summer. He wanted to build a Daft Punk helmet, the one with the LED's. The time with my kids is evaporating too rapidly, having been robbed of the last years from having to work so much, so I REALLY wanted to see this happen for him. So, we set out to do this, being foiled at every turn by not knowing anything about woodworking and the lack of tools. (Forgot we had a saw in the garage when it went up, oops....)

So anyways, here we are with Dave and Sue, who we met at Radiant, and somehow we get on the topic of this helmet Isaac wants to make.. "Well, bring him over and I'll see what we can do," were Dave's words. Dave has a wood shop, which I didn't know till last night.

Priceless.

These words were magic to me; through the interconnected Body, God made a way for this project, the ONE THING my son wanted to do this summer-to become a reality.
This is just one example of the kinds of things that happen on a regular basis in this group of followers. We are all broken people aspiring to live out the love of Jesus, and this fosters magic moments like these.

So why meet in a building at a regular time? So we know when (most) of us will be there, to have, to hold, to talk to at a reliable time. So we can visit, and chat, and hug, and connect, and know when that will happen. I am ALWAYS really excited about Sunday morning, and the chance to see Dave, and Sue, and my other 'extended' family, as I like to call the Body.

Why have a speaker? Well, there are two things that are unique to Radiant.... the speaker is not always the same person, and the pastor is not considered spiritually superior in some way. This egalitarian view changes the landscape of a group immensely.... instead of beating myself up for not being as good as the pastor or elders, we are friends who share our struggles. TOTALLY different.  And I really like hearing scripture presented-usually in an angular way at Radiant, causing me constantly to rethink through things and challenge old thought patterns... it's actually really, really fun to me to do that, playing Racquetball with my thoughts about life and never quite knowing where the ball will wind up, I love listening to great spiritual speaking, and Bob is a really great speaker.

Why have an offering? Why have paid positions?
I struggled with this after my previous church experience quite a bit before coming to my current conclusion... I think it is perfectly OK to pay someone for them to do something they do well. After just over a year, I became a worship director here, which is part-time paid. Since you just read my story, I don't need to tell you that there is NO WAY I could facilitate the music that happens here without being paid. I have a family to take care of, and it is the same way with our pastor, Bob, I think that the importance of leadership has largely been thrown under the bus recently, but I still think it's important, I am really grateful for all that Bob does, otherwise we wouldn't have this place to meet, speaking to hear, coffee to drink together, food to eat, tubing trips to get hailed on in... I could go on, but you get the point. At its best, paid church staff (ew, I said it out loud for everyone to hear!) is simply allowing someone to facilitate the body to help it become what it was created to be. If I wasn't doing what I do, these incredible musicians I work with would have to find some other venue in which to express their gifts, I personally LOVE to take a group of fine artists and help them unite and make beautiful things for our Creator, a form of creation in return... "Look Daddy, see what we made, TOGETHER!" And I love providing music for people to sing with, contemplating the aspects of our God, singing a rallying cry together, singing about God's love, and rejoicing together in song and music about our love for Him and our love for one another....

...but I can NOT afford to do it for free any more, like I did for 18 years. So, yes, we take an offering.

So, this story of Isaac getting to do his Daft Punk helmet is just a tiny little sliver of glass of the window into why it is I still am in a church.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that people HAVE to go to church, and it should never be out of obligation or guilt, just if you really, really love a gathering that you happen to find that seems to fit you well.

And, I totally believe  that many live out a follower's life without ever setting foot in a church.

And if this body changed, and went nasty in one of the many ways I have seen churches go nasty, I would leave.

But, since I've been asked, there's your answer.

See you Sunday at ten, if you dare!

Love is.... no it ain't.

LOVE is not what I thought it was.

        I thought you give, give, give


then I realized some who didn't need it would take it all

        I thought you simply pour it out

then I discovered some holes cannot be filled

       I thought you could give it without hurt

then I learned love always carries pain


I have learned love requires defense
                             requires open-eyed diligence
                             requires protection

so it can be saved

              for those who bloom in its presence

MUCH masquerades as love

cheap imitations-glass appears as diamonds

          until pressure is applied

....it shatters and the deception is gone

                    Ah, love;

there are no words...

           an overflow of spirit and soul

           a bursting asunder of self

allowing in another's hurt
                 another's care
                 another's life

becoming one

a unifying substance

allowing others to be as they are

there are no words
            a dawn
            a flood
            a kite
            a rock
            a fire
            a wine
            a swell
            a song, but......

there really are no words.

Easter Service....or...Church Feeding Frenzy?

Ok, I have had it, and I'm gonna spill the beans (as if you don't already know).

YOU are being targeted.

You are being lured in by cantatas, multi-media presentations, re-enactments designed to make you cry, Easter egg hunts, and even cash prizes. Church leadership across the country is drooling over the possibility of new checks in the offering plate, and more seats being filled.  Has the simple story of the love of Jesus really come to this? In a world where Christmas is often accused of being the big overcommercialized holiday, Easter is rapidly becoming just as much of a drool-fest for promoters-only this time the church itself is at the core of the commercialization.

First of all, I really feel the need to apologize....because I myself was once at the core of how-can-we-get-more-butts-in-the-seats meetings, before I went through the crucible that left me totally destroyed....and in love with Jesus, and appalled at some of the ways I have misrepresented God's beautiful and deep love for us, and the way that Jesus got to know people---through relationships, not a cheap commercial. 

His yoke is easy, His burden is light....so why did I spend so many years killing myself to put on multimedia extravaganzas that at best, created some warm fuzzies and a few tears, but at worst burned people out, misrepresented who we really were, and attempted to manipulate other's emotions? All promoted by a media-blitz rivaling a used car-lot's end of season sales push. So what changed?

I have discovered love. I have discovered grace. I have discovered Jesus, and He wasn't where or what I quite thought. I REALLY started to know the character of Jesus in the seasons of life, oddly enough, where the externals were stripped away and I was left, barely breathing, wondering how I would get through the day. It has been in the deserts, in the personal conversations, in the discussions, in the introspective times, in the hanging around together, breaking bread, in the walking through things that were WAY too big for me to handle; THOSE are the places I have come face to face with my Creator, and literally found Him to be more than enough.

There is a funny thing happening at the gathering I currently regularly go to....for Easter, we purposefully decided to make it just like any other service...there is some new music, and a couple of girls who do spectacular ballet on pointe will perform, but there is NO media blitz, NO bait-and-switch of one event that is really just fancy advertising for the Sunday service, NO fancy cantata, NO mailing, NO newspaper ad, NO radio ad, and nothing that is inconsistent with the things that just naturally flow from the people who like to do things there.

Will there be music? Yes, but it has NOT been chosen to maximize visitor auditory pleasure, it's just songs done by some people who are gifted at music that sing about God that this particular group of people happen to like singing.

Is there  a message? Yes, but it is a thoughtful in-depth study about the Bible and history and how we are all negotiating life, and has NOT been chosen according to how quickly it can bring people to tears over what happened to Jesus.

Is it perfect? NO. and actually now, it's OK for me not to be perfect. For a song to fall flat. For the media to get hung up and leave people chatting while the computer reboots. Not that this will happen, it's just that no one's neck is on the line if it does, because.... we actually *GASP* care about one another, in spite of our flaws.

The reason I bother even showing up this weekend myself--is because I look forward to seeing my adopted family, this group of people who walk through life together and choose to meet together at regular times, sing songs together, learn about God and life together, eat together, and just simply hang around together, OBLIGATION FREE. I just wanna go, it's pretty fun and I can sense the spirit of love and the Spirit of God flowing actively and organically amongst this group of people. And, if someone new happens to drop by, and really feels like this is the group of God-followers is who they have been looking for to walk through life with, then so be it, they are welcome to join this gathering, but I will NOT pressure anyone to stay with us, and I refuse to treat this Sunday as the "Super-Bowl" of Christianity, when I know darn well that God walks with anyone who wants Him in their life each day.

So, no longer will I use the crucifixion as a method to guilt people into the Kingdom
No long will I use the Easter bump in attendance to consider how we can get the increase in numbers to stay
No longer will I put on presentations that burn out the musicians I work with

what I WILL do is show up this week, play tunes with some great friends, listen to a message I am really looking forward to that is going to involve Plato and Homer and history and Jesus....and watch some cool dancing, and hang around with friends I love, and probably meet some new people, and live out the Gospel, the GOOD news....

His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.

I am so thankful  for this simple message, and so happy that I now live an abundant and free life. The pressure is gone.

I am indeed the music director at a church, but I have been spoiled by grace and....

I will sleep just fine Saturday night.

Soli Deo Gloria-or Why I'm a Believer and Still Have No Issue Singing Led Zeppelin tunes on a Friday night

I believe I may be making some people mad.
Or at least just puzzled.

You see, I ALWAYS have had a strong bent for music. I was first on stage singing at 6, learned piano at 7, and composed starting at 12. But it wasn't until I got into the church at 20 that my music started getting a mandatory edit by the church. Anyone who knows my story knows I started church 21 years ago at a United Pentecostal church.... VERY strict on music, we really weren't supposed to listen to anything BUT Christian music, though at least I did discover black Gospel choir music (which I STILL love) so I kinda glommed onto that-- if I was gonna HAVE to listen to Christian music, it's gonna groove! I did wind up loving some of the music a lot, and it became very meaningful to me....HOWEVER, there was a large part of Christian music that Mike and I, as musicians, puzzled over. Why was the music so vanilla? Why did so many of the songs sound the same? Why was the music so behind the times? And WHY on God's green Earth would tone-deaf folks who were CLEARLY terrified still want to stand at the front of the church, uncomfortably holding a cassette insert with lyrics in one hand, a mic in the other, and butcher some poor Christian tune and make everyone present have to bite their lips to endure it? There are MANY questions I could address here, but I am focusing on only one in this blog.

WHY was it wrong to play in a secular band?

There were all sorts of verses thrown at us, and rest assured-if you are reading this and are determined to "fix" the fact that I enjoy and play secular music, keep in mind that I have already heard every argument under the sun against this, and have VERY fully studied this out, I have had no choice, as it is one of the only professions with this expectation. I gave up any kind of secular music for about ten years, and only rediscovered it after I had been out of the superlegalistic Holiness denomination for a while. Yet even among evangelicals, there were some that were REALLY offended as we started to do more and more secular music.

But here is the deal: Would you want a carpenter who had only built church furniture to build your house?
Would you prefer a surgeon who had limited experience because they would only operate on Christians, or one who had extensive experience on all sorts of people from all walks of life?
Would you really expect any businessman to shoot himself in the foot by taking ONLY work from Christians and no one else?

And even if they could, is that even how God wants us to live? Aren't we supposed to be salt and light, spreading good taste and brightness everywhere--not in a holy huddle, all covered up and coddled against a world we are supposed to be helping?

I remember Mike being constantly harassed by one person for listening to secular music; they could NOT understand why in the world he couldn't just listen to something Christian that was similar, and Mike came up with one off the best ways to explain this that I have ever heard; goes like this.

Let's say there's groups of Christian football players across the US, and they decide to have a Christian football division, let's call it the CFC. They play each other in Christian venues, for Christians, and the guys and the teams all know Christ and...great idea, right??

So... would you still watch the NFL?

I already know your answer, and here is why you would still watch it, regardless of whether the people on the teams are Christian or not.

NFL players have spent a lifetime on one skill. They are absolute experts in their field, having developed the precision and ability that only repeated, intense practice can bring. They are professionals, they are the BEST.

So why aren't musicians who happen to believe in Christ allowed to be that good--playing and practicing wherever and whenever possible, that when it DOES come time to play music that is specifically about God, it is GREAT music, and not lame?

I am in three bands right now, outside of leading god-songs at Radiant; the Justmann band which is a ten-piece band with a horn section, a jazz band called Uptown, and a classic rock band called Downtown; and I sing for anything else I can possibly sing for...why?  Because, when it comes time to sing music to and about God, I want to have invested my talents so thoroughly that I can create the best possible offering to my Creator.  There is no WAY I would be able to do what I do as well as I can without this experience, not that I'm so great, but I definitely would be worse without this experience.

The other thing some church people seem not to understand is that music, for myself and for Mike, is our JOB. It isn't our moonlighting, or something that we feel like doing on the weekends, or a hobby, THIS IS HOW WE FEED OUR FAMILY!  We MUST take every job we possibly can, because we have to support our family. That's how I wound up in so many bands, because we are both trying to make as much money as possible. We enjoy it, but it is WAY more work and harder than most people realize, there is picking out music, choosing keys and arrangements, rewriting, endless hours of listening (ever listen to a song over 100 times? I do when I learn new material, and by the time I play it I am usually sick to death of the recording) and endless hours of practice, rehearsals, buying equipment, hauling and setting up and tearing down said equipment, not to mention booking, marketing, advertising, websites, calendars, and getting people to show up. Don't get me wrong, once everything is set up and we have a halfway decent soundcheck, I DO love what I do. It's just that people seem to think that a secular band is some sort of hedonistic exploit, and I am letting you in on a little secret- it's a JOB just like any other, it's just a different kind of job, with different parts that are fun and different parts that are difficult. 

You see, everyone FREAKS when Mike sits down at a piano and plays. So, he learned all of those mad piano skills from a Christian teacher and Christian curriculum...right?

WRONG! He learned from the teachers that were GREAT TEACHERS. He went to a secular college for his undergrad and masters degree, and continues to use all of that phenomenal ability not only to play all over the state, but also to play at Radiant, a place that gives us great latitude as artists, with a pastor who can appreciate great art, whether it resides in secular or sacred music.

When Solomon was to build the temple, he hired the most skilled artisans-never even specifies if they believed in God, just that they were the best. All of that great craftsmanshop, regardless of who had done it, was going to be used to the glory of God, which brings me to my last point.

                               Soli Deo Gloria.

Thank God for J.S. Bach. In pictures where I am wearing sleeveless shirts, you will see a tattoo on my right shoulder that reads Soli Deo Gloria. I love it, it's latin, so NO ONE can read it. so why do I have this?  About ten years ago, when I was really struggling with...do I play secular music or not, I discovered that not only J.S. Bach, but many of his contemporaries AND many musicians throughout history, wrote and played music for the public, and for the church. J.S. Bach understood well that--no matter where or what he was playing for, and no matter who he was writing the music for, it ALL glorified God, because he was using his God-given talents as much as he could. At the end of his manuscripts, he wrote S.D.G. Soli Deo Gloria. Only to the glory of God. Likewise, whatever I do, and wherever I do it, and whatever I am playing, it is ALWAYS ultimately used for God. He gave me my voice, I will use it as much as I can-just as a surgeon will save whoever he can, no respecter of persons. I AM only to the glory of God, I love God. And there are some words and some songs you will never hear me sing, but that is out of my own personal conviction, not some rule that I believe should be blanketed over all musicians.

So there you have it and now you know why I will likely always be both a secular and sacred musician.

Any requests?

Fundamentalism…. Religion of Drama Queens

Ahh, the days of yelling preachers and melodramatic altar calls. Miss them? I don’t.  It’s hard to believe that I ever sat amongst the other fundies, hanging on every gem poured forth from the seminary-trained, righteous, godly preacher-man. There was a time that I remember feeling an impending sense of doom, no matter HOW great things were going. The world was going to hell in a handbasket, and I had better be upset to the point of weeping and gnashing of teeth.  Allow me to explain….

 I became a believer in a panic-infested Holiness denomination, complete with the threat of a simple hair trim sending you straight to hell.  There were things about my upbringing  that prepared me well for listening to a lot of yelling and angst on a Sunday morning.  Aaaaaand Sunday night.  Aaaand Wednesday night.  Aaaand anytime a revival preacher came in.  Doors open, we were there. Throughout my Christian life, I went through several churches and even more preachers that were chock full o’drama. 

Turns out, if the leadership is considered to have ‘spiritual authority’ over the peasants that attend, there is no END to the drama that can be fished up, I mean heck, I think you could take ANYONE’s life and dig up enough dirt to render them ‘ungodly’, remember ALL of us are imperfect??  And I still haven’t sorted it all out yet, but there is something about fundamentalism that makes people, well, kinda drama queens.  Every fault needs to be fixed, every stone needs to be turned over to see if there’s some secret sin festering underneath. So, instead of having a group of people who are focusing on their strengths, growing organically, and helping each other through struggles out of love for God and each other; you have endless finger-pointing and drama with a capital D. The hierarchy is set up, and the leaders can call the shots for others until they themselves get toppled in favor of a new King of the Hill.

There’s something about having strict, black-and-white rules against things that totally ramps up the drama… now you have a solid ruler to measure people by, and you just KNOW when they are screwing up!  This has the tendency to bring out the worst in people, and is one reason Jesus got on the nerves of the spiritual leaders of His time.  It is interesting to me how differently Jesus handled each situation He came across, dealing with each individual as a unique person, varying widely in how each situation was treated; a far cry from the “one size fits all” mentality so prevalent in Christian books… this worked for us, so this is the rule for all time, always and forever.  Here’s your formula, take two and call me in the morning.  

But people are all different, and situations are all different, and lumping all situations together with one answer could not be MORE unlike Jesus, who dealt with individuals VERY differently, and had the nerve to kick loving God and loving others right to the top of the “how to follow God” list, trumping all other rules and regulations in one fell swoop of passion for humanity.  I don’t recall seeing  panic as a fruit of the Spirit, but with the way some churches live, you would think that were the case. Maybe this is part of why perfect love casts out all fear, when you are constantly acting out of love while serving a God who is love, there is little to be concerned over. You are living in trust that the love of God and love for one another will draw others to God (and it does), you are trusting the Spirit to change things that others struggle with, just as we trust the Spirit to transform ourselves. The judging stops, and SO DOES THE DRAMA.

I have now been living relatively drama-free for a few years, and I love it. You know, life is hard enough without us beating each other up or trying to please God with an endless list of do’s and don’ts that He never asked for. He far prefers your heart…. and as much as I LOVE theater, as much as I LOVE acting and LOVE movies,

I don’t miss the drama at ALL.

Why I Don't Like Men, But Think Guys Are Awesome.

Yeah, I know.
I'm already in trouble from the first five words, but I'm getting used to it.

     What problem could I possibly have with men?

Well, you see, it all started when I was born the youngest of 8 in a VERY patriarchal family, in which the men totally ruled the roost. I grew up observing my harried mother waiting on my dad  hand and foot, whilst he parked his butt in the La-Z-Boy and sipped his Manhattan. (Hey, they were in back then). Now, I do understand that he was a hardworking doctor when he was at work, but the part I saw was her, the planet, orbiting him, the sun. All of her hopes and dreams revolved around taking care of him. We were also Catholic and all of the important people were men: the Pope, cardinals, bishops, priests who wouldn't dare defile themselves by taking on *gasp* a wife. I also saw some of my four older sisters experience some horrifically damaging relationships with men, and there was also a strong view of woman as sex objects by the men I knew, which was reinforced heavily by some experiences I won't go into--and by then I had seen enough that I was no longer interested in anything men had to offer. So I made a decision at an early age:

      I  NEVER want to be married. Did you catch the NEVER?

I had absolutely NO interest in waiting on a man or spending my life insulating another person from the cares of the world, or bearing the brunt of their anger or irresponsibility or just plain playing second-class citizen for the rest of my life, so I went on to pursue the study of leadership and success at the ripe old age of 12, having decided that I would be CEO of a self-built corporation (OK you can stop snickering, I can hear ya from here.). I knew I was good at leading, and just wanted them to leave me the heck alone while I went out to build a company and do things that would make a difference in the world. Along the way, I decided to pursue music as well, and was nicely on the way to my carefully-laid-out life when something happened.  I met...

                        A GUY!

      He was just a guy, hanging out after a concert, catching my sarcastic barbs and tossing them back with a good-natured underhand. What was this? He was nothing like the men I knew. He couldn't possibly be checking me out for my body, I was wearing a punk army-style trenchcoat. I could've had the four arms of Vishnu and a Yugo under there and he wouldn't have known.  He was....INTERESTING. Not full of stock lines, just, well, someone I wanted to talk to, and we would have great discussions about a plethora of topics, none of which were my chest or backside. So, we started hanging around together, and I met his college roommates, and a miracle! There were more of these... 'guys' around, and I became fast friends with his roommates too, who would ALSO have awesome intellectual and musical discussions with me that lasted into the wee hours of the morning.  They liked and respected me for me, not what I could do for them, and THIS.... this was an entirely new concept for me! You mean I can have friends....that are guys.....and they can actually just appreciate a brain and a good conversation? Awesome!

   So, over the years I have discovered that there are MEN and there are GUYS in my world.

    MEN view women as either subservient or sex objects or both, and become  frustrated with women who consider themselves equal to them in intelligence, or stature, or both. They are usually inordinately proud to be a man, and will say so at times. Sometimes they come in the form of fundamentalists who literally believe themselves superior in some way, sometimes as extreme as the group that uses corporal punishment on their wives, or polygamists, sometimes in far more deceptive or subtle ways that take a while to figure out. Some are just womanizers who have the audacity to ignore the obvious wedding ring, hoping still yet to get lucky.

GUYS view women as equals--we may have different parts, but they treat us as equally intelligent, important, and capable. Over the years, I have developed close and long lasting friendships with GUYS, and treasure the great discussions and fellowship I share with them. Every now and then I will come across someone who think it is risky behavior to be close friends with guys, and I want to make one thing clear. I have NO INTEREST in MEN, I made that clear from the beginning, that have any interest in me in that way, I consider that an insult to my intelligence and personality, and relegates me back to the kind of bimbo-sex-object status I hate so much in the first place.  How do you think female leaders such as Deborah, Hatshepsut (look it up), Catherine the Great, Joan of Arc and many, many other female leaders accomplished what they did? By only becoming friends with women? I am thinking not, I am thinking there is a place in life for the healthy platonic friendship. After 21 years of a great marriage, I believe I can speak of this with at least some authority. I love and appreciate my GUY friends, who treat me in a respectful, caring manner; they are brothers to me, walking through life as part of my support system, as I am part of theirs.  They have no need to worry either, I am interested in being friends, having great thoughtful discussion, and to cross that barrier would be an insult to them and our friendship. Does this make sense at all? So, I hate men but love guys. BTW, don't read too much into the men/guy wording, I was just having a little fun with semantics.

     Of course, the end of the story is that I DID wind up marrying that first real GUY I met after the concert, we just kept spending more and more time together, and decided somewhere along the line that we wanted to be together 24/7. End of my great life plan, anyways.  God threw the monkeywrench in my life that made me a musician instead of a CEO. I may not have the paycheck, but I have a GREAT life, an awesome marriage, and incredible kids--because Mike is a great GUY.

So anyways, here's to all you GUYS out there-- Thank you for treating me like a human being, you really are a fine example--hopefully someday the MEN will wake up and figure out how great you are.

Anyone up for a BIMBOS/LADIES blog?

Monica Barden, Version 2.0

Well, here it is.

This is a day I have waited a VERY long time for, 41 years, to be exact. Will it be perfect? No. Will it be easy? HECK no. Will I love it? Y E S!

You see, three years ago today, most of what I had done with my life vanished due to a pastor-and-elder-board move at a church I had poured my life into.  My husband's and my job was gone, many of my close friends were gone, the life I had known for 18 years straight was...GONE. I had to start over. I was a zombie for months, just void of anything within, empty. Mike and I gradually started to work, basically because we had to, doing whatever we could to get by. He developed a workshop, I went back to a hairstyling job I thought I had retired from to pursue full time ministry. We worked our freaking BUTTS off, doing whatever we could think of to keep our heads above water, but in the freedom from the previous environment, something funny happened.

We found ourselves.

After soo-oo-oo long of living out what we THOUGHT was God's will- doing what others desired with our lives, squashing talent so as to not be "prideful" or "fleshy"or "draw attention to oneself", listening to whatever the church decided was important, we were Fired. Cast out. Done. At the time, I thought our lives had ended-- but it was only the beginning. You see, we both rediscovered long-buried gifts. Mike at one point came to the conclusion that the best way for him to make money was to simply be a musician and recording engineer, and he has been successful with both. How can you be Mike Barden and NOT do fabulously well with all things music? If you know him, it's just who he is!
    Likewise for me, it took a bit longer, but at long last, I got it. I wrote down six words on a sheet of paper last week. The words were: Lead Vocalist, Performer, Leader, Writer, Thinker, Artist. This is who I am. It took three years of starting from ground zero, but SO worth it. I know who I am! I know what I am supposed to do! It is an incredible feeling, like being an eagle feeling the updraft of warm air that will effortlessly take you higher, higher yet and all you have to do is spread your wings and GLIDE...
      You see, my schedule changed this week and I am FINALLY full-time music. I had always thought that God wanted me to put all of my time and effort into the church I was at at the time, whatever was needed, that's what I was, and that's all I would ever be, and I was willing to do only that...
  It's so different now. There's more to who I am, and the scope is much larger than what I had thought when I was just a "church lady". I am in three bands, all of which have really taken off, and lead god-songs with other musicians I love in a gathering of people that are so wonderful and close, and FUN... I literally had no idea life could be like this.
    It would seem the only way I discovered myself is if everything got taken away and I had to start over....naked, stripped down, broken, undone. The only thing left was my being, and I pretty much had to just start being me again.
     So why is today such a big deal? There was a huge shift in my life this week, moving from the triage of the last three years into the regular everyday schedule that creates a life. For the first time since before the institutional church entered my life 21 years ago, EVERYTHING in my regular schedule is there by my choice, nothing short of a miracle for a person who was once fully made up of what everyone else wanted her to be! There is only the future before me, and the pain of the past is informing and creating my future before my eyes. Who knew it wouldn't come together until I was 41? And yet it is so appropriate, who can sing the blues or understand the heart of God without first understanding deep, life-altering pain? So, I can honestly say today that being fired was one of the best things that has ever happened to me..... not pleasant, but it DID break me of a lifetime of compliance-- when you do all that you possibly can to please someone and get kicked out anyways? THAT is what finally broke my dance of compliance. It's over, finally over, and. I now can fully forgive the board and pastor who hurt me so deeply. I will never think that it was right, I don't trust them, and I don't have to spend time with them or comply,  but I simply choose to let go of the past and walk into my future, knowing that it would ruin me and any good I can do in this world to drag the carcass of an old life into my new life.
     I was in the middle of working on a CD called Broken Pieces when we were fired, I am posting these songs for free download.... Broken Pieces was written three years ago, and I'm really no longer in that place--- but it's a last look back before I move forward; a window into that period of my life. I am free now, my voice is free, and I sound different now; but as I say goodbye to the past, I am putting it out there one more time. There is one song that doesn't explain itself-020408- this is the date we were fired, unbeknownst to me at the time, it is also the day that I came to life. I really hope that this inspires some of you to walk into who you are, leaving behind what others have wanted you to become, it is truly a joyous place to be, and you can do FAR more good in this world when you are exactly who you were created to be, no apologies.
    So, along with this blog, you will be seeing LOTS more music and words outta me...hey, we're all in this together and if I can help any of you get through the day and come closer to who YOU are, or grow spiritually deeper, it's all worth it.
So today starts Monica Barden 2.0

/run program/