I Must Be Crazy.....or Why I STILL Go To Church...

Here it is... my biiiig answer...

Why should ANYONE go to church? There has been so much damage that has come out of the institutional church over the years...heck, over the MILLENIA.....that I believe this is a perfectly reasonable question.

First of all, I don't think church is for everyone, I have seen people so entirely damaged by spiritual leaders, elders, and authority figures in the church that church is trauma to them... a spiritual Hiroshima after the bomb dropped... people who have blackened, charred skin after the harsh judging or condescending words of another, those who are STILL vomiting after all that was stuffed down their throats that turned out to be so toxic, even those who lay half-dead...aware that something may be going on spiritually but having sustained enough damage that there is no fight left....

If you think I'm being overly dramatic about the damage religious leaders can do, you need look no further than your nearest history book.....or just turn on today's news to see Elissa Wall talk about how she was forced -at 14- to marry her 19 yr old cousin because the Prophet of their church had determined that this was the will of God. On a smaller level, I have personally seen spiritual leaders do this... claim to know the will of God for another...many, many times, not necessarily at the level of creating a relationship that would put a 14 yr old through a horrific trauma, but definitely at the level where I have seen some serious damage done.

So why do I go?

It is really kind of surprising... when my husband was fired after his last 10-year worship pastor position, it was horribly painful... we had poured EVERYTHING into this ministry, only to have it turn up ashes....but this blog isn't about that church or what happened to us there...

This is about the magic that can, and still does happen, in a body of people who care about one another so much---let me back up:

At the time we were fired, Feb of 08, we were both without work (my husband was full time, but I had been volunteering  at the church heavily the whole time), without savings--having been told to have faith in God for these things, and having given all of my free time to the church instead of working, we both lived off of Mike's income, and having an 8 yr old girl and 11 yr old boy who had been homeschooled and now would have to abruptly go back to school. THERE IS NO UNEMPLOYMENT FOR YOU if you are let go from a church job, something we were totally unaware of.  We spent the first month or two in shock, then as the truth sank in, I realized I had to go back to work, and we entered the phase of our lives called You Will Both Work Your Butts Off As Many Hours As Possible Or Your Kids Will Have No Future. Then, two years later, just as we were starting to make some headway, our house burned down and we had to rebuild from the foundation and 3 walls. We are still in this phase of overwork, and it has taken a toll on the kids as we try to keep our heads above water. We made a lot of dumb decisions years back, and I'm not talking about things like furniture or a new car, it was ALWAYS about the church, but I can't go back now and un-do these things....we THOUGHT we were doing what was right at the time, it was what the church taught, but once the church left us behind.....and we went through this...WHY would I ever get involved again? Can't it just be enough to hang around with good friends? 

I VERY hesitantly went to a local gathering-Radiant Fellowship, which is a little, humble, mildly decaying brick building in town.... and began to heal. It still seems strange to me that in one body you can experience trauma and in another healing-though they all fall under the name "church", but it's true, just like people, different bodies of believers have their own idiosyncrasies, or own focus or specialty, or own sociopathy or other nice things or disorders. Radiant turned out to be a bit of a hospital for those who were spiritually hurt in some way, the pastor having been in  on elder's meetings since his teen years and being well aware of the ugliness that so often resides under the hood. It felt good to connect with other damaged and broken people who weren't afraid to share their hurts, it felt so much better than me hanging my head in shame at my faults while looking around at all of those who appeared to have it so much more together than me, which was my old church M.O.

Fast forward to last night, when we went to Church at the Pub with Dave and Sue.... this is a ministry that is meant to get to know those in this community from all walks of life. It is designed to minister to others, last night it ministered to me. You see, we sat and talked over the faded bartop, goofing off and laughing and generally having a good time, with Sue showing me a magic trick I STILL can't figure out, even though she walked me through it twice.... but the real magic didn't happen until we were leaving,

You see, my son Isaac is 14 and has been extremely resilient through these last 3 1/2 years as we walk through all of this, both of my kids have been, they have had no choice but to walk through us being gone a majority of the time due to having to work so hard to keep the house, and we have to be pretty choosy about what they take--dance is too expensive, gymnastics a cheaper alternative.... every little fee and charge is weighed against the fact that we have to make a living as musicians who were too blind to read the writing on the church wall early enough to figure out that this wouldn't pay the bills...but Isaac had just ONE THING he wanted to do this summer. He wanted to build a Daft Punk helmet, the one with the LED's. The time with my kids is evaporating too rapidly, having been robbed of the last years from having to work so much, so I REALLY wanted to see this happen for him. So, we set out to do this, being foiled at every turn by not knowing anything about woodworking and the lack of tools. (Forgot we had a saw in the garage when it went up, oops....)

So anyways, here we are with Dave and Sue, who we met at Radiant, and somehow we get on the topic of this helmet Isaac wants to make.. "Well, bring him over and I'll see what we can do," were Dave's words. Dave has a wood shop, which I didn't know till last night.

Priceless.

These words were magic to me; through the interconnected Body, God made a way for this project, the ONE THING my son wanted to do this summer-to become a reality.
This is just one example of the kinds of things that happen on a regular basis in this group of followers. We are all broken people aspiring to live out the love of Jesus, and this fosters magic moments like these.

So why meet in a building at a regular time? So we know when (most) of us will be there, to have, to hold, to talk to at a reliable time. So we can visit, and chat, and hug, and connect, and know when that will happen. I am ALWAYS really excited about Sunday morning, and the chance to see Dave, and Sue, and my other 'extended' family, as I like to call the Body.

Why have a speaker? Well, there are two things that are unique to Radiant.... the speaker is not always the same person, and the pastor is not considered spiritually superior in some way. This egalitarian view changes the landscape of a group immensely.... instead of beating myself up for not being as good as the pastor or elders, we are friends who share our struggles. TOTALLY different.  And I really like hearing scripture presented-usually in an angular way at Radiant, causing me constantly to rethink through things and challenge old thought patterns... it's actually really, really fun to me to do that, playing Racquetball with my thoughts about life and never quite knowing where the ball will wind up, I love listening to great spiritual speaking, and Bob is a really great speaker.

Why have an offering? Why have paid positions?
I struggled with this after my previous church experience quite a bit before coming to my current conclusion... I think it is perfectly OK to pay someone for them to do something they do well. After just over a year, I became a worship director here, which is part-time paid. Since you just read my story, I don't need to tell you that there is NO WAY I could facilitate the music that happens here without being paid. I have a family to take care of, and it is the same way with our pastor, Bob, I think that the importance of leadership has largely been thrown under the bus recently, but I still think it's important, I am really grateful for all that Bob does, otherwise we wouldn't have this place to meet, speaking to hear, coffee to drink together, food to eat, tubing trips to get hailed on in... I could go on, but you get the point. At its best, paid church staff (ew, I said it out loud for everyone to hear!) is simply allowing someone to facilitate the body to help it become what it was created to be. If I wasn't doing what I do, these incredible musicians I work with would have to find some other venue in which to express their gifts, I personally LOVE to take a group of fine artists and help them unite and make beautiful things for our Creator, a form of creation in return... "Look Daddy, see what we made, TOGETHER!" And I love providing music for people to sing with, contemplating the aspects of our God, singing a rallying cry together, singing about God's love, and rejoicing together in song and music about our love for Him and our love for one another....

...but I can NOT afford to do it for free any more, like I did for 18 years. So, yes, we take an offering.

So, this story of Isaac getting to do his Daft Punk helmet is just a tiny little sliver of glass of the window into why it is I still am in a church.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that people HAVE to go to church, and it should never be out of obligation or guilt, just if you really, really love a gathering that you happen to find that seems to fit you well.

And, I totally believe  that many live out a follower's life without ever setting foot in a church.

And if this body changed, and went nasty in one of the many ways I have seen churches go nasty, I would leave.

But, since I've been asked, there's your answer.

See you Sunday at ten, if you dare!

Love is.... no it ain't.

LOVE is not what I thought it was.

        I thought you give, give, give


then I realized some who didn't need it would take it all

        I thought you simply pour it out

then I discovered some holes cannot be filled

       I thought you could give it without hurt

then I learned love always carries pain


I have learned love requires defense
                             requires open-eyed diligence
                             requires protection

so it can be saved

              for those who bloom in its presence

MUCH masquerades as love

cheap imitations-glass appears as diamonds

          until pressure is applied

....it shatters and the deception is gone

                    Ah, love;

there are no words...

           an overflow of spirit and soul

           a bursting asunder of self

allowing in another's hurt
                 another's care
                 another's life

becoming one

a unifying substance

allowing others to be as they are

there are no words
            a dawn
            a flood
            a kite
            a rock
            a fire
            a wine
            a swell
            a song, but......

there really are no words.

Easter Service....or...Church Feeding Frenzy?

Ok, I have had it, and I'm gonna spill the beans (as if you don't already know).

YOU are being targeted.

You are being lured in by cantatas, multi-media presentations, re-enactments designed to make you cry, Easter egg hunts, and even cash prizes. Church leadership across the country is drooling over the possibility of new checks in the offering plate, and more seats being filled.  Has the simple story of the love of Jesus really come to this? In a world where Christmas is often accused of being the big overcommercialized holiday, Easter is rapidly becoming just as much of a drool-fest for promoters-only this time the church itself is at the core of the commercialization.

First of all, I really feel the need to apologize....because I myself was once at the core of how-can-we-get-more-butts-in-the-seats meetings, before I went through the crucible that left me totally destroyed....and in love with Jesus, and appalled at some of the ways I have misrepresented God's beautiful and deep love for us, and the way that Jesus got to know people---through relationships, not a cheap commercial. 

His yoke is easy, His burden is light....so why did I spend so many years killing myself to put on multimedia extravaganzas that at best, created some warm fuzzies and a few tears, but at worst burned people out, misrepresented who we really were, and attempted to manipulate other's emotions? All promoted by a media-blitz rivaling a used car-lot's end of season sales push. So what changed?

I have discovered love. I have discovered grace. I have discovered Jesus, and He wasn't where or what I quite thought. I REALLY started to know the character of Jesus in the seasons of life, oddly enough, where the externals were stripped away and I was left, barely breathing, wondering how I would get through the day. It has been in the deserts, in the personal conversations, in the discussions, in the introspective times, in the hanging around together, breaking bread, in the walking through things that were WAY too big for me to handle; THOSE are the places I have come face to face with my Creator, and literally found Him to be more than enough.

There is a funny thing happening at the gathering I currently regularly go to....for Easter, we purposefully decided to make it just like any other service...there is some new music, and a couple of girls who do spectacular ballet on pointe will perform, but there is NO media blitz, NO bait-and-switch of one event that is really just fancy advertising for the Sunday service, NO fancy cantata, NO mailing, NO newspaper ad, NO radio ad, and nothing that is inconsistent with the things that just naturally flow from the people who like to do things there.

Will there be music? Yes, but it has NOT been chosen to maximize visitor auditory pleasure, it's just songs done by some people who are gifted at music that sing about God that this particular group of people happen to like singing.

Is there  a message? Yes, but it is a thoughtful in-depth study about the Bible and history and how we are all negotiating life, and has NOT been chosen according to how quickly it can bring people to tears over what happened to Jesus.

Is it perfect? NO. and actually now, it's OK for me not to be perfect. For a song to fall flat. For the media to get hung up and leave people chatting while the computer reboots. Not that this will happen, it's just that no one's neck is on the line if it does, because.... we actually *GASP* care about one another, in spite of our flaws.

The reason I bother even showing up this weekend myself--is because I look forward to seeing my adopted family, this group of people who walk through life together and choose to meet together at regular times, sing songs together, learn about God and life together, eat together, and just simply hang around together, OBLIGATION FREE. I just wanna go, it's pretty fun and I can sense the spirit of love and the Spirit of God flowing actively and organically amongst this group of people. And, if someone new happens to drop by, and really feels like this is the group of God-followers is who they have been looking for to walk through life with, then so be it, they are welcome to join this gathering, but I will NOT pressure anyone to stay with us, and I refuse to treat this Sunday as the "Super-Bowl" of Christianity, when I know darn well that God walks with anyone who wants Him in their life each day.

So, no longer will I use the crucifixion as a method to guilt people into the Kingdom
No long will I use the Easter bump in attendance to consider how we can get the increase in numbers to stay
No longer will I put on presentations that burn out the musicians I work with

what I WILL do is show up this week, play tunes with some great friends, listen to a message I am really looking forward to that is going to involve Plato and Homer and history and Jesus....and watch some cool dancing, and hang around with friends I love, and probably meet some new people, and live out the Gospel, the GOOD news....

His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.

I am so thankful  for this simple message, and so happy that I now live an abundant and free life. The pressure is gone.

I am indeed the music director at a church, but I have been spoiled by grace and....

I will sleep just fine Saturday night.

Soli Deo Gloria-or Why I'm a Believer and Still Have No Issue Singing Led Zeppelin tunes on a Friday night

I believe I may be making some people mad.
Or at least just puzzled.

You see, I ALWAYS have had a strong bent for music. I was first on stage singing at 6, learned piano at 7, and composed starting at 12. But it wasn't until I got into the church at 20 that my music started getting a mandatory edit by the church. Anyone who knows my story knows I started church 21 years ago at a United Pentecostal church.... VERY strict on music, we really weren't supposed to listen to anything BUT Christian music, though at least I did discover black Gospel choir music (which I STILL love) so I kinda glommed onto that-- if I was gonna HAVE to listen to Christian music, it's gonna groove! I did wind up loving some of the music a lot, and it became very meaningful to me....HOWEVER, there was a large part of Christian music that Mike and I, as musicians, puzzled over. Why was the music so vanilla? Why did so many of the songs sound the same? Why was the music so behind the times? And WHY on God's green Earth would tone-deaf folks who were CLEARLY terrified still want to stand at the front of the church, uncomfortably holding a cassette insert with lyrics in one hand, a mic in the other, and butcher some poor Christian tune and make everyone present have to bite their lips to endure it? There are MANY questions I could address here, but I am focusing on only one in this blog.

WHY was it wrong to play in a secular band?

There were all sorts of verses thrown at us, and rest assured-if you are reading this and are determined to "fix" the fact that I enjoy and play secular music, keep in mind that I have already heard every argument under the sun against this, and have VERY fully studied this out, I have had no choice, as it is one of the only professions with this expectation. I gave up any kind of secular music for about ten years, and only rediscovered it after I had been out of the superlegalistic Holiness denomination for a while. Yet even among evangelicals, there were some that were REALLY offended as we started to do more and more secular music.

But here is the deal: Would you want a carpenter who had only built church furniture to build your house?
Would you prefer a surgeon who had limited experience because they would only operate on Christians, or one who had extensive experience on all sorts of people from all walks of life?
Would you really expect any businessman to shoot himself in the foot by taking ONLY work from Christians and no one else?

And even if they could, is that even how God wants us to live? Aren't we supposed to be salt and light, spreading good taste and brightness everywhere--not in a holy huddle, all covered up and coddled against a world we are supposed to be helping?

I remember Mike being constantly harassed by one person for listening to secular music; they could NOT understand why in the world he couldn't just listen to something Christian that was similar, and Mike came up with one off the best ways to explain this that I have ever heard; goes like this.

Let's say there's groups of Christian football players across the US, and they decide to have a Christian football division, let's call it the CFC. They play each other in Christian venues, for Christians, and the guys and the teams all know Christ and...great idea, right??

So... would you still watch the NFL?

I already know your answer, and here is why you would still watch it, regardless of whether the people on the teams are Christian or not.

NFL players have spent a lifetime on one skill. They are absolute experts in their field, having developed the precision and ability that only repeated, intense practice can bring. They are professionals, they are the BEST.

So why aren't musicians who happen to believe in Christ allowed to be that good--playing and practicing wherever and whenever possible, that when it DOES come time to play music that is specifically about God, it is GREAT music, and not lame?

I am in three bands right now, outside of leading god-songs at Radiant; the Justmann band which is a ten-piece band with a horn section, a jazz band called Uptown, and a classic rock band called Downtown; and I sing for anything else I can possibly sing for...why?  Because, when it comes time to sing music to and about God, I want to have invested my talents so thoroughly that I can create the best possible offering to my Creator.  There is no WAY I would be able to do what I do as well as I can without this experience, not that I'm so great, but I definitely would be worse without this experience.

The other thing some church people seem not to understand is that music, for myself and for Mike, is our JOB. It isn't our moonlighting, or something that we feel like doing on the weekends, or a hobby, THIS IS HOW WE FEED OUR FAMILY!  We MUST take every job we possibly can, because we have to support our family. That's how I wound up in so many bands, because we are both trying to make as much money as possible. We enjoy it, but it is WAY more work and harder than most people realize, there is picking out music, choosing keys and arrangements, rewriting, endless hours of listening (ever listen to a song over 100 times? I do when I learn new material, and by the time I play it I am usually sick to death of the recording) and endless hours of practice, rehearsals, buying equipment, hauling and setting up and tearing down said equipment, not to mention booking, marketing, advertising, websites, calendars, and getting people to show up. Don't get me wrong, once everything is set up and we have a halfway decent soundcheck, I DO love what I do. It's just that people seem to think that a secular band is some sort of hedonistic exploit, and I am letting you in on a little secret- it's a JOB just like any other, it's just a different kind of job, with different parts that are fun and different parts that are difficult. 

You see, everyone FREAKS when Mike sits down at a piano and plays. So, he learned all of those mad piano skills from a Christian teacher and Christian curriculum...right?

WRONG! He learned from the teachers that were GREAT TEACHERS. He went to a secular college for his undergrad and masters degree, and continues to use all of that phenomenal ability not only to play all over the state, but also to play at Radiant, a place that gives us great latitude as artists, with a pastor who can appreciate great art, whether it resides in secular or sacred music.

When Solomon was to build the temple, he hired the most skilled artisans-never even specifies if they believed in God, just that they were the best. All of that great craftsmanshop, regardless of who had done it, was going to be used to the glory of God, which brings me to my last point.

                               Soli Deo Gloria.

Thank God for J.S. Bach. In pictures where I am wearing sleeveless shirts, you will see a tattoo on my right shoulder that reads Soli Deo Gloria. I love it, it's latin, so NO ONE can read it. so why do I have this?  About ten years ago, when I was really struggling with...do I play secular music or not, I discovered that not only J.S. Bach, but many of his contemporaries AND many musicians throughout history, wrote and played music for the public, and for the church. J.S. Bach understood well that--no matter where or what he was playing for, and no matter who he was writing the music for, it ALL glorified God, because he was using his God-given talents as much as he could. At the end of his manuscripts, he wrote S.D.G. Soli Deo Gloria. Only to the glory of God. Likewise, whatever I do, and wherever I do it, and whatever I am playing, it is ALWAYS ultimately used for God. He gave me my voice, I will use it as much as I can-just as a surgeon will save whoever he can, no respecter of persons. I AM only to the glory of God, I love God. And there are some words and some songs you will never hear me sing, but that is out of my own personal conviction, not some rule that I believe should be blanketed over all musicians.

So there you have it and now you know why I will likely always be both a secular and sacred musician.

Any requests?

Fundamentalism…. Religion of Drama Queens

Ahh, the days of yelling preachers and melodramatic altar calls. Miss them? I don’t.  It’s hard to believe that I ever sat amongst the other fundies, hanging on every gem poured forth from the seminary-trained, righteous, godly preacher-man. There was a time that I remember feeling an impending sense of doom, no matter HOW great things were going. The world was going to hell in a handbasket, and I had better be upset to the point of weeping and gnashing of teeth.  Allow me to explain….

 I became a believer in a panic-infested Holiness denomination, complete with the threat of a simple hair trim sending you straight to hell.  There were things about my upbringing  that prepared me well for listening to a lot of yelling and angst on a Sunday morning.  Aaaaaand Sunday night.  Aaaand Wednesday night.  Aaaand anytime a revival preacher came in.  Doors open, we were there. Throughout my Christian life, I went through several churches and even more preachers that were chock full o’drama. 

Turns out, if the leadership is considered to have ‘spiritual authority’ over the peasants that attend, there is no END to the drama that can be fished up, I mean heck, I think you could take ANYONE’s life and dig up enough dirt to render them ‘ungodly’, remember ALL of us are imperfect??  And I still haven’t sorted it all out yet, but there is something about fundamentalism that makes people, well, kinda drama queens.  Every fault needs to be fixed, every stone needs to be turned over to see if there’s some secret sin festering underneath. So, instead of having a group of people who are focusing on their strengths, growing organically, and helping each other through struggles out of love for God and each other; you have endless finger-pointing and drama with a capital D. The hierarchy is set up, and the leaders can call the shots for others until they themselves get toppled in favor of a new King of the Hill.

There’s something about having strict, black-and-white rules against things that totally ramps up the drama… now you have a solid ruler to measure people by, and you just KNOW when they are screwing up!  This has the tendency to bring out the worst in people, and is one reason Jesus got on the nerves of the spiritual leaders of His time.  It is interesting to me how differently Jesus handled each situation He came across, dealing with each individual as a unique person, varying widely in how each situation was treated; a far cry from the “one size fits all” mentality so prevalent in Christian books… this worked for us, so this is the rule for all time, always and forever.  Here’s your formula, take two and call me in the morning.  

But people are all different, and situations are all different, and lumping all situations together with one answer could not be MORE unlike Jesus, who dealt with individuals VERY differently, and had the nerve to kick loving God and loving others right to the top of the “how to follow God” list, trumping all other rules and regulations in one fell swoop of passion for humanity.  I don’t recall seeing  panic as a fruit of the Spirit, but with the way some churches live, you would think that were the case. Maybe this is part of why perfect love casts out all fear, when you are constantly acting out of love while serving a God who is love, there is little to be concerned over. You are living in trust that the love of God and love for one another will draw others to God (and it does), you are trusting the Spirit to change things that others struggle with, just as we trust the Spirit to transform ourselves. The judging stops, and SO DOES THE DRAMA.

I have now been living relatively drama-free for a few years, and I love it. You know, life is hard enough without us beating each other up or trying to please God with an endless list of do’s and don’ts that He never asked for. He far prefers your heart…. and as much as I LOVE theater, as much as I LOVE acting and LOVE movies,

I don’t miss the drama at ALL.

Why I Don't Like Men, But Think Guys Are Awesome.

Yeah, I know.
I'm already in trouble from the first five words, but I'm getting used to it.

     What problem could I possibly have with men?

Well, you see, it all started when I was born the youngest of 8 in a VERY patriarchal family, in which the men totally ruled the roost. I grew up observing my harried mother waiting on my dad  hand and foot, whilst he parked his butt in the La-Z-Boy and sipped his Manhattan. (Hey, they were in back then). Now, I do understand that he was a hardworking doctor when he was at work, but the part I saw was her, the planet, orbiting him, the sun. All of her hopes and dreams revolved around taking care of him. We were also Catholic and all of the important people were men: the Pope, cardinals, bishops, priests who wouldn't dare defile themselves by taking on *gasp* a wife. I also saw some of my four older sisters experience some horrifically damaging relationships with men, and there was also a strong view of woman as sex objects by the men I knew, which was reinforced heavily by some experiences I won't go into--and by then I had seen enough that I was no longer interested in anything men had to offer. So I made a decision at an early age:

      I  NEVER want to be married. Did you catch the NEVER?

I had absolutely NO interest in waiting on a man or spending my life insulating another person from the cares of the world, or bearing the brunt of their anger or irresponsibility or just plain playing second-class citizen for the rest of my life, so I went on to pursue the study of leadership and success at the ripe old age of 12, having decided that I would be CEO of a self-built corporation (OK you can stop snickering, I can hear ya from here.). I knew I was good at leading, and just wanted them to leave me the heck alone while I went out to build a company and do things that would make a difference in the world. Along the way, I decided to pursue music as well, and was nicely on the way to my carefully-laid-out life when something happened.  I met...

                        A GUY!

      He was just a guy, hanging out after a concert, catching my sarcastic barbs and tossing them back with a good-natured underhand. What was this? He was nothing like the men I knew. He couldn't possibly be checking me out for my body, I was wearing a punk army-style trenchcoat. I could've had the four arms of Vishnu and a Yugo under there and he wouldn't have known.  He was....INTERESTING. Not full of stock lines, just, well, someone I wanted to talk to, and we would have great discussions about a plethora of topics, none of which were my chest or backside. So, we started hanging around together, and I met his college roommates, and a miracle! There were more of these... 'guys' around, and I became fast friends with his roommates too, who would ALSO have awesome intellectual and musical discussions with me that lasted into the wee hours of the morning.  They liked and respected me for me, not what I could do for them, and THIS.... this was an entirely new concept for me! You mean I can have friends....that are guys.....and they can actually just appreciate a brain and a good conversation? Awesome!

   So, over the years I have discovered that there are MEN and there are GUYS in my world.

    MEN view women as either subservient or sex objects or both, and become  frustrated with women who consider themselves equal to them in intelligence, or stature, or both. They are usually inordinately proud to be a man, and will say so at times. Sometimes they come in the form of fundamentalists who literally believe themselves superior in some way, sometimes as extreme as the group that uses corporal punishment on their wives, or polygamists, sometimes in far more deceptive or subtle ways that take a while to figure out. Some are just womanizers who have the audacity to ignore the obvious wedding ring, hoping still yet to get lucky.

GUYS view women as equals--we may have different parts, but they treat us as equally intelligent, important, and capable. Over the years, I have developed close and long lasting friendships with GUYS, and treasure the great discussions and fellowship I share with them. Every now and then I will come across someone who think it is risky behavior to be close friends with guys, and I want to make one thing clear. I have NO INTEREST in MEN, I made that clear from the beginning, that have any interest in me in that way, I consider that an insult to my intelligence and personality, and relegates me back to the kind of bimbo-sex-object status I hate so much in the first place.  How do you think female leaders such as Deborah, Hatshepsut (look it up), Catherine the Great, Joan of Arc and many, many other female leaders accomplished what they did? By only becoming friends with women? I am thinking not, I am thinking there is a place in life for the healthy platonic friendship. After 21 years of a great marriage, I believe I can speak of this with at least some authority. I love and appreciate my GUY friends, who treat me in a respectful, caring manner; they are brothers to me, walking through life as part of my support system, as I am part of theirs.  They have no need to worry either, I am interested in being friends, having great thoughtful discussion, and to cross that barrier would be an insult to them and our friendship. Does this make sense at all? So, I hate men but love guys. BTW, don't read too much into the men/guy wording, I was just having a little fun with semantics.

     Of course, the end of the story is that I DID wind up marrying that first real GUY I met after the concert, we just kept spending more and more time together, and decided somewhere along the line that we wanted to be together 24/7. End of my great life plan, anyways.  God threw the monkeywrench in my life that made me a musician instead of a CEO. I may not have the paycheck, but I have a GREAT life, an awesome marriage, and incredible kids--because Mike is a great GUY.

So anyways, here's to all you GUYS out there-- Thank you for treating me like a human being, you really are a fine example--hopefully someday the MEN will wake up and figure out how great you are.

Anyone up for a BIMBOS/LADIES blog?

Monica Barden, Version 2.0

Well, here it is.

This is a day I have waited a VERY long time for, 41 years, to be exact. Will it be perfect? No. Will it be easy? HECK no. Will I love it? Y E S!

You see, three years ago today, most of what I had done with my life vanished due to a pastor-and-elder-board move at a church I had poured my life into.  My husband's and my job was gone, many of my close friends were gone, the life I had known for 18 years straight was...GONE. I had to start over. I was a zombie for months, just void of anything within, empty. Mike and I gradually started to work, basically because we had to, doing whatever we could to get by. He developed a workshop, I went back to a hairstyling job I thought I had retired from to pursue full time ministry. We worked our freaking BUTTS off, doing whatever we could think of to keep our heads above water, but in the freedom from the previous environment, something funny happened.

We found ourselves.

After soo-oo-oo long of living out what we THOUGHT was God's will- doing what others desired with our lives, squashing talent so as to not be "prideful" or "fleshy"or "draw attention to oneself", listening to whatever the church decided was important, we were Fired. Cast out. Done. At the time, I thought our lives had ended-- but it was only the beginning. You see, we both rediscovered long-buried gifts. Mike at one point came to the conclusion that the best way for him to make money was to simply be a musician and recording engineer, and he has been successful with both. How can you be Mike Barden and NOT do fabulously well with all things music? If you know him, it's just who he is!
    Likewise for me, it took a bit longer, but at long last, I got it. I wrote down six words on a sheet of paper last week. The words were: Lead Vocalist, Performer, Leader, Writer, Thinker, Artist. This is who I am. It took three years of starting from ground zero, but SO worth it. I know who I am! I know what I am supposed to do! It is an incredible feeling, like being an eagle feeling the updraft of warm air that will effortlessly take you higher, higher yet and all you have to do is spread your wings and GLIDE...
      You see, my schedule changed this week and I am FINALLY full-time music. I had always thought that God wanted me to put all of my time and effort into the church I was at at the time, whatever was needed, that's what I was, and that's all I would ever be, and I was willing to do only that...
  It's so different now. There's more to who I am, and the scope is much larger than what I had thought when I was just a "church lady". I am in three bands, all of which have really taken off, and lead god-songs with other musicians I love in a gathering of people that are so wonderful and close, and FUN... I literally had no idea life could be like this.
    It would seem the only way I discovered myself is if everything got taken away and I had to start over....naked, stripped down, broken, undone. The only thing left was my being, and I pretty much had to just start being me again.
     So why is today such a big deal? There was a huge shift in my life this week, moving from the triage of the last three years into the regular everyday schedule that creates a life. For the first time since before the institutional church entered my life 21 years ago, EVERYTHING in my regular schedule is there by my choice, nothing short of a miracle for a person who was once fully made up of what everyone else wanted her to be! There is only the future before me, and the pain of the past is informing and creating my future before my eyes. Who knew it wouldn't come together until I was 41? And yet it is so appropriate, who can sing the blues or understand the heart of God without first understanding deep, life-altering pain? So, I can honestly say today that being fired was one of the best things that has ever happened to me..... not pleasant, but it DID break me of a lifetime of compliance-- when you do all that you possibly can to please someone and get kicked out anyways? THAT is what finally broke my dance of compliance. It's over, finally over, and. I now can fully forgive the board and pastor who hurt me so deeply. I will never think that it was right, I don't trust them, and I don't have to spend time with them or comply,  but I simply choose to let go of the past and walk into my future, knowing that it would ruin me and any good I can do in this world to drag the carcass of an old life into my new life.
     I was in the middle of working on a CD called Broken Pieces when we were fired, I am posting these songs for free download.... Broken Pieces was written three years ago, and I'm really no longer in that place--- but it's a last look back before I move forward; a window into that period of my life. I am free now, my voice is free, and I sound different now; but as I say goodbye to the past, I am putting it out there one more time. There is one song that doesn't explain itself-020408- this is the date we were fired, unbeknownst to me at the time, it is also the day that I came to life. I really hope that this inspires some of you to walk into who you are, leaving behind what others have wanted you to become, it is truly a joyous place to be, and you can do FAR more good in this world when you are exactly who you were created to be, no apologies.
    So, along with this blog, you will be seeing LOTS more music and words outta me...hey, we're all in this together and if I can help any of you get through the day and come closer to who YOU are, or grow spiritually deeper, it's all worth it.
So today starts Monica Barden 2.0

/run program/

Dancing at the Cliffside

     Have you ever seen what happens when you allow a four-year old free reign in a store? 

Unless you have one of those "compliant" children who look like you maybe should check to see if they have a pulse, in which case I hate you, but for the rest of us; yeah.  My two had the frustrating habit around this age of running gleefully in opposite directions, ready to experience all of the baubles and mysteries and breakable items on shelf after endless shelf... it was a beautiful expanse of freedom in whatever store we happened to be at; then I would eventually lasso and corral them into a cart so they could commence asking questions about why I was putting them in the section that the little diagram on the seat CLEARLY tells you is going to cause some horrific accident. Sorry, too late to call Social Services on me, they are teens now and have a new and improved version of the game "Let's Make Mom's Hair Grey". 
     Anyways, one of the things I have noticed about some churches and religious folk is this propensity for rules... don't do this, don't do that, behave, follow the cookie-cutter rules and you shall lead an "abundant" life.
  
Yeah, right.


For those of you who have tried to live with this "come-to-church-let-us-fix-you" mentality, you know how difficult it is to feel that you are never good enough, no matter how you try, it is incredibly difficult-not to mention depressing- to live this way, but THAT is for another blog, on another snowy day when my toes are too numb to do anything else (Yes, I am inside. But it's Wisconsin in January, I'm pretty much up a creek. A frozen one. With skaters, how pretty. OH NO I'M HALLUCINATING IT MUST BE HYPOTHERMIA!)  Today, I am considering those who escape all of the rules and regulations, how they run freely- wind in the hair flying freely behind them, sun on their backs, stopping only to smell what sweet things they may choose, and dancing, DANCING on the forbidden cliffside, not caring any longer about the glaring tsk-tsks of their critics.  I am talking about how I have felt, and maybe some of you have, since leaving behind the oppressive belief system that says that there is a pastor or a church board that should order my life and personality; that keeps tabs on me and when they think I may be out of line, etcetera...
     I suppose in my case it was partly my fault; being the youngest of eight in a Polish-Catholic patriarchal family, I LIVED to try to make my dad proud of me---which only later translated into making a pastor proud of me, and and elder board.... but even THAT is not my point.
 
      I am thinking more of the "city dog" versus the "country dog" that Darin Hufford talked about the last time he spoke here; the illustration is something that has really stuck with me. We had a city dog when we were growing up, he got out every chance he could, and he would tear around like a freak on acid until we would go through a pack of hot dogs bribing him back in the car.  The country dogs? The ones that go outside whenever they like? They just hang out on the porch, they love their family, and know where home is.  It is a beautiful picture of the contrast between someone made to follow a religious system, versus someone who is free in Christ.
....which brings me to my question, and FINALLY the point (See, I did get there!)...


What does a city dog look like when it is making the transition to living a free life in the country?


You see, this has been my journey since Feb of 2008, and I have some observations. First, if YOU are the one has finally found freedom, and are dancing on the cliffside you were always warned about simply because now you can, expect some criticism, and let some of it inform you who REALLY loves you. Consider this a great time to establish new (genuine) friendships with people who love you and accept you for who YOU are, and clean out those who don't (If you have lived in a cookie-cutter system of any sort, even if it was just a clique, you NEED to get away from people who keep trying to "fix" you. You are worth more than that!).  Understand, also, that this is a phase in life--don't get too down on yourself if you go on a bender or do some things that you don't normally do, this is the human version of Fido tearing up the back 40 only to find out that maybe he doesn't enjoy being sprayed by a skunk after all.  You see, my experience over the last three years (which may be different from yours, I was rejected from the institution which I would think would change a few things) went from shock, to zombie-like numbness that lasted a few months, to at times suicidal depression, to anger, and even a struggle as to whether I should pitch it all and go athiest....but then something funny along the way happened and I realized I was finally free, the LEASH WAS GONE... so I continued on to experiment in this newfound freedom... started another band, found amazing new friends and realized that some of my old and dear friends were gonna love me no matter what and got even closer to them, had some really good times, and a funny thing happened.  I realized that I still REALLY love God with all of my being, just like I always did.  I will admit something that I have NOT told anyone except Mike before. You see, I was EXTREMELY mad at God when this all happened, and I shelved my bible.

For over two years.

...previously having been one of those read-through-several-times-obsessed-over, have-many-dog-eared-highlighted-copies-of-many-versions-people...Now, before you judge me too harshly, realize that people had used those very words of scripture against me in some of my previous experiences, words meant to edify twisted instead to annihilate the ministry I had built. 
   The thing is, now I am settling into being a country dog--- I once again, like Mary, sit at the feet of a Jesus who I discovered through all of my dancing at the cliffside over the last few years is WAY more loving and kind and accepting than I ever could have dreamed.  My relationship with my Creator is renewed, the floodgates of the music that was always in me have been blown open, I own my life now and don't allow in people bent on changing the essence of who God has made me. This brings me to my second point.  If you know someone who is just starting to discover freedom in Christ, PLEASE don't judge them too quickly; they, like me, are likely just running free and wild, barefoot and dancing by the cliffside they were told never to go near.  They'll likely be back, just as I am. They need to find themselves, and may offend you in some of their new freedom, but you probably offend them in some way too. We all need to be different, and all of our living our personal lives in the Spirit is going to look somewhat different, wouldn't it be amazing if we could ask questions, and investigate, and learn from our differences instead of snubbing one another and looking down the long nose of judgement at someone who may be enjoying freedom for the first time and hasn't quite established where their porch-home even is yet? 

Sometimes the best thing to do with someone who is dancing on the cliffside is to dance with them, so they're NOT alone and have someone to help them find home. I will name some people when I post this, who helped me come into my own, without judgement, rules or condemnation.  IT CAN BE DONE.

And if YOU are dancing on the cliffside, not quite sure of anything anymore, I am here and willing to dance with you....and hopefully, help you find your way home as well.

Happy dancing!

Monica's Thoughts About 2011...or...Fires Don't Strike Twice in the Same Place, Do They?

Well.
Here I am getting all prepped for my night of blowing the rest of this year hanging with some really great friends...so I thought I would try to construct my thoughts about the transition into 2011 into something reasonable and cohesive. That having totally failed, I wrap up this year with eleven random thoughts...are they resolutions? Not really sure, more like a bizarre list of things I hope to do along with other thoughts about life, the universe and everything....the usual. So here you go:

Monica's Deep and Strange Thoughts About 2011 Countdown

11-Can someone PLEASE silence Miley Cyrus for me? Or at least give her some clothing larger than a washcloth?

10-I am a worship leader, jazz singer, songwriter, blues singer, average guitar player, writer, artist, rock singer, voice, piano and guitar teacher, and speaker. I AM having trouble deciding which one to focus on, if you know me and wouldn't mind; it would be VERY helpful if you could give me any input as to which I am great at, and which shouldn't be a priority, and which I stink to high heaven to the point where everyone around me wishes I would quit but no one will tell me, like a slowly decaying piece of spinach in my front teeth. You can FB message me. Thanks in advance.

9-About 60% of 2010 was sucked up by dealing with a major house fire, GREAT THANKS to all of you who helped us through that, I will NOT be scheduling one for 2011.

6- I AM supposed to be getting ready for a party right now, did I mention that?

7-I could really use a year WITHOUT a major catastrophe that requires us to work around the clock like we've been doing for a few years...I was diagnosed with exhaustion a year ago and due to circumstances still have not been able to do anything about it, except dump major amounts of caffeine into a bottomless pit- but 2011 looks good, SO FAR.......*hears fate snicker*

8-I feel more like myself than I have in years, and want to expand that in the new year. Being yourself is SO underrated and I will likely write an entire blog, if not a book, about why it is so important to own who you are. Yes, I am crazy, loud, acerbic, ADHD and obnoxious, and I am absolutely committed to expanding and honing these talents in the new year.

5-Seriously, I want to buy in my local community as much as possible, and avoid buying anything made in China as much as possible. In the tiny one-horse town I live in, (Waupaca, freezing-freaking cold WI) there are many wonderful people trying to make a living in a far more decent manner than so many of the suits sitting around corporate tables deciding what we 'need'. As far as China, we are just shooting ourselves in the foot, people. NO DOLLAR STORES. *rousing cheer from Mike*

4- This year I want to learn blues guitar and practice much more in ALL of my musical disciplines, and compose regularly. Starting in February, most of my week will be music work, can't wait!

3-I am STILL controller free. Well worth the steep extermination fee.

2-I am considering changing my first name to Monikka-simply because monikka.com is not taken already (DON'T YOU DARE GRAB IT BEFORE I DO!)

And Finally....
1-Feb 4, 2011 marks the third-year anniversary of us being dumped from the church that we had poured our energy, love, time, and resources into for ten years. It has been a hellish three years rebuilding our lives from ground zero--- at times having to work hard while biting back tears, and attempting to keep my head when personally faced with people I know to be complete back stabbers---but WE ARE STILL HERE. There is an old leadership adage stating that after three years, whatever problems you have in your organization or group - are YOUR creation and can no longer be blamed on the previous person.  This makes me happy on two fronts in 2011- one: the previous leadership we were under blamed us for all sorts of things, and though we can't control them blaming us, after three years that argument gets a bit silly; and two: we have built a LOT in three years. Mike has built a thriving recording studio, with a backload of VERY happy clients, he is playing all over the place and is absolutely skyrocketing in his talents now that the restraints of the old church are gone; I am now in three bands which I thoroughly enjoy, and just had my favorite Christmas Eve service EVER leading people that I genuinely love and care about and have a great relationship with.... my friends have become much closer, and I REALLY treasure the environment I am in right now. Honestly, as long as I can focus on the good (which as you know can be very hard, especially when I see people or hear about things going on in that other world I used to live in) but I Still. Press. Forward. Knowing my calling.

BELIEVING long after I thought I wouldn't.

So, grab your noisemakers my friend, and celebrate a new, free life with me.
You in?

When the church becomes your "ex"

A week ago I was down.

REALLY down.

I mean devastatingly, how-will-I-make-it-through-the day, eyeing up the prescription meds and sharp knives depressed.  But why?
 
In order to continue, you probably need to know that I and my husband poured ten of the best years of our lives into building a ministry at a local church only to have a new pastor come in and fire us. We lost our support group and everything we had built for ten years on a Monday morning almost three years ago.  My husband was the pastor of worship as well as one of the elders, and preached there on a regular basis, I was a close to full time volunteer worship leader/arts director/programming person/whatever-other-crisis-comes-up person,  This church was our life, we thought we would be there forever.  But this blog is NOT about that church.  This is about how to survive when you either need to leave, or get kicked out of, an entity that has become your main support system. 
     For those who think I am overdramatizing, it is clear you have NOT been through this, so move along to some cute blog about making pumpkin soup out of used Jack-O-Lanterns. For those of you who know EXACTLY the kind of loss I am talking about, and have been rejected to the point where you're looking for high bridges to jump from, press on; I have walked through this valley and think I may have hit upon something helpful....
        Have any of you ever made the connection between the loss of a church family and a divorce?  As I walked through the valley of the shadow of an elder board I could not please, I conversed with close friends who stuck with me.

Friends who have been divorced.

And I discovered that; though few could relate to what was killing me inside, my divorced friends seemed to know EXACTLY what I was going through!  They had been through the unbelievable rejection, the loss of a major part of their lives and the daily habits familiar to them, having to rebuild their lives, the discomfort level when you have to be in the "ex's" house or deal with relatives who think your "ex" is the best thing since sliced bread, not wanting to even drive by their house, the obnoxiously lengthy recovery time; SO MANY things were parallel.....that when I found myself face to the ground feeling utterly useless and rejected once again because of an encounter that evoked a flood of memories last week, I tried searching for divorce help.  I found an article that helped me pull out of the latest round of depression over the loss of such a large part of my life, and would like to share it with you. If you have the tenacity to still be reading this, here it is:

MONICA'S TEN POINT SURVIVAL GUIDE TO YOUR CHURCH DIVORCE
* I will put the original info from www.thedailymind.com in quotations. And they will look like this.

Whether you left a church, were forced out, or just came home one day to find all of your stuff sitting on the curb and the door locked, here is my adaptation of ten tips that were originally written for the breakup of a marriage....

1. "See your ex as little as possible."
This was one I wish I would have learned sooner.  I had some really close friends that are still at the former church; as well as a few I was VERY close to who are very much in the inner circle of that church-still.  I tried to maintain those relationships at first, but it was just too painful to hear about all of the "great" things that were going on in a leadership that had soundly rejected me.  I had to stop spending time with ALL of these people, not easy when that was a church of 350 and I live in a town of 5000, but I did succeed in developing an entirely new support group. "Every time you see your ex you get a flood of emotions.You might realize you still love them.....or see how happy they are and feel angry and hurt. You don't need that at this time. You need to get over it and to get over it you need a clear head."  So true. I avoid contact whenever possible, it just throws me into a 'what if' spiral.  "Many people try to be friends with their ex because they do not want to admit that it is over. It is hard to be friends when you are grieving over a lost marriage. Don't do it while you are hurting." um, yeah. In the church world, this can seem insensitive, but you are on your own; they still have an entire church body to lean on. Don't sacrifice your sanity out of feeling sorry for them.  They are choosing to stay there.

2. "Remind yourself constantly of the positives"
You know, it's funny. The "old" place haunts my life, and yet if I visited there now and didn't know anybody there? I would be totally uninterested in that church. When you are free from a church you may have been overinvolved with, you get your life back. There are SO many positives for me-- I went from a place with rather conservative views about women and a hierarchical  view of the pastors and elders to an egalitarian church where I can be ordained, if I so desire. My husband, formerly under the thumb of said leadership, is enjoying his life as a recording engineer/professional world-class musician IMMENSELY. There is always something you can find that is positive about your "out", even if it's just not being around people who didn't want you anyways.

3."Reconnect with your passions"
Umm yeah, we're both doing what we WANT now instead of what someone else thinks we should do.

4. "Forget about getting back together"
"Don't hold on to some hope that you will get back together because that hope prevents you from finding your own individual happiness and moving on with your life." ummm yeah. The old place was such a big part of my life that it was incredibly hard to let go of some possibility of us going back- a new pastor, a change of heart in the leadership, whatever; it took a LONG time for me to realize that it really was OVER. I had to eventually write the old place off entirely and rebuild my life elsewhere. Tough, but necessary.

5. "Remember you are not the only one"
THANK YOU Free Believers, Bob Adams, Darin Hufford, Ted Haggard, Tamara, Kerry, That's Not My God, and too many others to list; many of whom I know only through Facebook. You have helped me more than you know. Yes, most  definitely find others who have walked this uniquely dark path; the good news is they are becoming much easier to find as more people than ever before are becoming disillusioned with the institutional church.

6. "Reconnect with family and friends"
Suffice it to say that once I was out, I started meeting all of these people I didn't even realize existed in our small community....I had been too much in the 'bubble' to realize they were there. Much more time for family, too.  My relationships are WAY more solid now that they are not based out of an institution, and I am way more involved with my community.

7. "Realize that you are allowed to be sad"
If you have "Christian" friends who tell you you should 'get over it' or that you are bitter, get rid of them. NOW. You need friends who will love you in the hard times. The institutional church trains hurt people to remain silent by labeling those who say they were hurt as "bitter" or "rebellious".  Don't fear the label, that's all it is, a cheap label to make them feel better.  "You have just gone through what is known to be one of the four hardest things a human being can go through. You have gotten a divorce." Don't punish yourself for having emotions about this; the divorced people I know said it took them 3-5 years to start feeling happy again. Give yourself time, space, and people who will listen with an empathetic ear.

8. "Think about impermanence"
"At the moment you are probably feeling like this depression is never going to go away. But it will. All thoughts are impermanent." Let time do its healing work. Every month gets better for me....if today sucks, just hold on for one more day....you never know when things may turn a corner.

9.  "Tell Tom Cruise to get *#$*ed!"
"We have all seen Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire utter the famous line 'You complete me'. In my opinion, that one line in that one movie has done more to damage healthy relationships..." Okay. THIS one is the underpinning concept of a book I am working on that will likely be called something like 'Codependent on the Church'.... You see, I would NEVER have gotten hurt so badly if we had left at the first big red flag, which happened a mere SIX MONTHS into our attendance at this place...ten years later these exact same issues were still there. However, my husband and I are both compliants, and tolerated, and tolerated, and tolerated, and ran interference, and excused, and enabled.... I in particular had a background of abuse, and felt like the church completed me. The church became WAYYY more in my life than it ever should have been.  The feelings of  'this is my life' are lies. No one and nothing completes you. YOU are YOU and you own your own life, a gift from God. Owning my own life was one of the best gifts I received as a result of getting out of this place.

10. "Don't sit around and watch your life fly away"
You have a limited amount of time in this world, time to forget the 'ex' and launch into what you are, who you are, what you want to do! Go forth and make that amazing impact in this world that only YOU can make!

I will add myself
11. Create new habits.
A part of what is so difficult for me at times is that I can remember so clearly.... my friends on the team sitting in the blue chairs, seeing the people I knew so well from the platform, struggling with the things they had to walk through (I genuinely loved these people), getting up at 4:45 every Sunday morning (um never mind don't miss that), rehearsal times, ALL of these are things of habit that need to be replaced with new habits... volunteer, join a band, do SOMETHING that will establish new habits that will replace the old ones. As humans, we are creatures of habit and maintaining habits will at the very least help with your sense of security in a time of turmoil.

So. There it is. I apologize to those of you who have gone through horrifying divorces that may dwarf what I am going through---but divorce is the closest I have been able to come to how I feel about my last church experience.  I hope this helps you in some way, PLEASE message if I can be of any assistance in YOUR church divorce, I am here to help.

You will be ok. I made it, you can too.

WARNING-- STRONG PERSONAL OPINIONS!---41 things I have learned in 41 years

Consider yourself warned.  If you read this and are offended, it's your own darn fault.  Now I am older than half of you, and I am confident to disseminate the vast years of wisdom under my belt. You may, if you care to, peruse these utterly priceless bits of wisdom that I, in my vast arrogance--- have determined you cannot live without.....

1. You can end a sentence with a preposition without trashing your writing style if you really want to.

2. Keep any insanely trendy clothing, it WILL be back. Or be hilarious. Either way, it's useful. And send me any laughable pix, please.

3.  Don't waste ANY time or energy on anyone who has their name stamped on the handle of the knives sticking out of your back. Even if they're related. Obligational relationship is an oxymoron.

4. It is well worth finding out who these people are and unloading them from your life.

5. Sushi is amazing. There are hundreds of varieties, don't tell me you hate it unless you have tried ALL of them. And wasabi rocks. I'm turning Japanese......I really think so.

6. Religious people and institutions are capable of keeping people in a kind of bondage that nothing else is capable of because they can claim God's will and threaten hellfire and brimstone. 

7. It is okay with God that I am sarcastic and cynical. Really. I mean it.

8. Nerds always win in the end. Sorry jocks and cheerleaders. You are reading this on your computer or Blackberry and that is how I know I am right about this.

9. Many people lived out their glory days in high school, I just started mine a couple years ago.

10. What doesn't kill you really DOES make you stronger, but also more cynical.

11. Pink Floyd "Animals" is about corporations, but it could just as easily be about the institutional church.

12. I lose my phone several times a week.

13. The gay friends I have are some of the nicest, non-judgmental people I know.

14. Auto-tune can be used to induce vomiting.

15. No matter WHAT you do, there will always be people who hate you, and...

16. You NEED to have enemies. If you have no enemies, you stand for nothing.

17. My favorite music is the kind that MAKES you move, usually funk based, and YES I like disco, but I'm pretty picky about which songs.

18. You don't need most of the rules people think you need when raising young children.

19. I am hauling out the turntable again and buying some vinyl---it is aural Nirvana, even if you're not listening to the grunge band.

20. The fact that Scripture has always been translated in a patriarchal society has really messed things up for women.

21. I believe in polygamy. I think I need about 5 brother-husbands to wait on me and do the housework and laundry and such.

22. If you think the previous comment means that my marriage is in trouble, you probably shouldn't read my blogs. You are clearly not getting it. Refer to #7.

23. If you have a health problem, you should NEVER give up on finding a treatment-- took me almost 20 years for a proper diagnosis of MPS. DON'T GIVE UP

24. I am the same person I was when I was a kid, you change less in life than you may think.

25. Some of my friends I only talk to on Facebook are PRICELESS.

26. Having been through hell really helps when you sing the blues.  Or sing anything else, it just makes everything so gritty and real...

27. which is why Miley Cyrus sucks.

28. Being free of controllers---including church and pastoral control---is absolutely imperative to having an abundant and joyful life. This was the key to escaping depression for me.

29. I am a good writer, singer, and leader; and it is okay for me to know and say that. What are YOU? It's important to find out, then be confident in who you are.

30. Relationship and love is paramount, especially with God.

31. Focusing on your life direction and purpose is worth it, even if the dishes and laundry pile up in the process.

32. It is perfectly ok for people to remain single and/or childless, LEAVE THEM THE HECK ALONE!!!!

33. Older people tell their story and attitude by the lines in their face.

34. I am really surprised that you have read this far.

35. "Goth" and "Emo" kids are deeper than those who don't know what a dark thought is.

36. I have an intense connection with friends who have been through horrific despair, some to the point of being suicidal. These are some of the deepest people I know, and I love their depth.

37. There is nothing fun about fundamentalism. It strips personality away, leaving cookie-cutter images that no longer are colorful or interesting enough to accomplish much in this world. Look at the world-changers throughout history... how many were fundamentalists in their belief system? Progress is the result of change, and fundamentalism is its antithesis.

38. It is well worth studying the principles of power and war, even if you are a total peacemaker. If you stand for anything at all, some of these tactics will be used against you whether you like it or not, and you will need to know how to defend yourself.

39. ALWAYS attempt to stop abuse when you see it. If compliants never stand up to abusers, it just continues.....

40. Your life belongs to YOU- do not let others run it for you.

and finally,
41. BE YOURSELF. Not a sanitized version of yourself, but the you that you WANT to be, with it's warts and beauty, loud or quietness, nonconformity or OCD,  neuroses or levelheadedness, tall, short, fat, skinny, obnoxious, reserved, whatever you are THAT IS YOU and don't change it!

SO. There's my 41 thoughts, now can I hear yours?

Dear Controller

Dear Controller,
    I have decided to leave you. I once thought I needed you in my life, but now my eyes have been opened to the damage that you inflict upon myself, my personality, and the lives of those around you, though they rarely realize it.  I know you think you are “helping”; you are not.


I am through with running interference for you, you can clean up your own messes from now on.  I will NOT be available at your beck and call day and night, and it is perfectly okay, even right, that I no longer allow you in my life.
You caused me so much pain, and I tolerated it for such a long time, not knowing the joy I would find in being free from your grip. I no longer feel like I am under someone’s thumb; and I really don’t care what kind of arbitrary rules you think I should be following.  I will not dress, act, think, respond, speak, or run my life as you think I should any longer.


You see, God gave me this beautiful gift.


It is called MY LIFE.
Did you catch the MY part?


My life is my own and no one else’s; my mistakes are my own to make. My history and my feelings are also mine, and I can talk about them as I wish.  For so long I kowtowed and pandered to your whims, thinking I was pleasing God by doing so, but then I realized that God created me to have certain qualities that don’t necessarily please you.


I don’t care anymore. I am me, and I love God, and I know He made me this way for a REASON. You can call me arrogant, snobbish, selfish, full of myself, or whatever else.  You never bothered to find out what is in my heart, you were too interested in your agenda for my life, so you don’t even know me, but my God knows, and my friends know, and they love me anyways.


I wish I had figured this out a long time ago- but now that I have, my thinking has been stretched beyond my old beliefs. I can’t, and WON’T, go back.


I know you are sad, but you are sad because those you control are leaving, one by one, and you really can’t live with yourself, with no one to control. That’s why you can’t leave me alone.  You controlled me at one time, and now you don’t, and you miss that, don’t you?  Well guess what?  Now that all of the energy I once spent pleasing YOU and doing everything for YOU is being spent on my own life, my life is flourishing!  I am doing great, and I have close friends, and my family is amazing.  I had no idea my life could be so fun and wonderful.  I am free, and you can’t take that away from me.  I am free, and you can’t touch my freedom. YOU CAN’T HURT ME ANYMORE, and I’m NEVER going back.


 So long, I won’t miss you, I am too busy enjoying my abundant life!
-Monica