I Must Be Crazy.....or Why I STILL Go To Church...

Here it is... my biiiig answer...

Why should ANYONE go to church? There has been so much damage that has come out of the institutional church over the years...heck, over the MILLENIA.....that I believe this is a perfectly reasonable question.

First of all, I don't think church is for everyone, I have seen people so entirely damaged by spiritual leaders, elders, and authority figures in the church that church is trauma to them... a spiritual Hiroshima after the bomb dropped... people who have blackened, charred skin after the harsh judging or condescending words of another, those who are STILL vomiting after all that was stuffed down their throats that turned out to be so toxic, even those who lay half-dead...aware that something may be going on spiritually but having sustained enough damage that there is no fight left....

If you think I'm being overly dramatic about the damage religious leaders can do, you need look no further than your nearest history book.....or just turn on today's news to see Elissa Wall talk about how she was forced -at 14- to marry her 19 yr old cousin because the Prophet of their church had determined that this was the will of God. On a smaller level, I have personally seen spiritual leaders do this... claim to know the will of God for another...many, many times, not necessarily at the level of creating a relationship that would put a 14 yr old through a horrific trauma, but definitely at the level where I have seen some serious damage done.

So why do I go?

It is really kind of surprising... when my husband was fired after his last 10-year worship pastor position, it was horribly painful... we had poured EVERYTHING into this ministry, only to have it turn up ashes....but this blog isn't about that church or what happened to us there...

This is about the magic that can, and still does happen, in a body of people who care about one another so much---let me back up:

At the time we were fired, Feb of 08, we were both without work (my husband was full time, but I had been volunteering  at the church heavily the whole time), without savings--having been told to have faith in God for these things, and having given all of my free time to the church instead of working, we both lived off of Mike's income, and having an 8 yr old girl and 11 yr old boy who had been homeschooled and now would have to abruptly go back to school. THERE IS NO UNEMPLOYMENT FOR YOU if you are let go from a church job, something we were totally unaware of.  We spent the first month or two in shock, then as the truth sank in, I realized I had to go back to work, and we entered the phase of our lives called You Will Both Work Your Butts Off As Many Hours As Possible Or Your Kids Will Have No Future. Then, two years later, just as we were starting to make some headway, our house burned down and we had to rebuild from the foundation and 3 walls. We are still in this phase of overwork, and it has taken a toll on the kids as we try to keep our heads above water. We made a lot of dumb decisions years back, and I'm not talking about things like furniture or a new car, it was ALWAYS about the church, but I can't go back now and un-do these things....we THOUGHT we were doing what was right at the time, it was what the church taught, but once the church left us behind.....and we went through this...WHY would I ever get involved again? Can't it just be enough to hang around with good friends? 

I VERY hesitantly went to a local gathering-Radiant Fellowship, which is a little, humble, mildly decaying brick building in town.... and began to heal. It still seems strange to me that in one body you can experience trauma and in another healing-though they all fall under the name "church", but it's true, just like people, different bodies of believers have their own idiosyncrasies, or own focus or specialty, or own sociopathy or other nice things or disorders. Radiant turned out to be a bit of a hospital for those who were spiritually hurt in some way, the pastor having been in  on elder's meetings since his teen years and being well aware of the ugliness that so often resides under the hood. It felt good to connect with other damaged and broken people who weren't afraid to share their hurts, it felt so much better than me hanging my head in shame at my faults while looking around at all of those who appeared to have it so much more together than me, which was my old church M.O.

Fast forward to last night, when we went to Church at the Pub with Dave and Sue.... this is a ministry that is meant to get to know those in this community from all walks of life. It is designed to minister to others, last night it ministered to me. You see, we sat and talked over the faded bartop, goofing off and laughing and generally having a good time, with Sue showing me a magic trick I STILL can't figure out, even though she walked me through it twice.... but the real magic didn't happen until we were leaving,

You see, my son Isaac is 14 and has been extremely resilient through these last 3 1/2 years as we walk through all of this, both of my kids have been, they have had no choice but to walk through us being gone a majority of the time due to having to work so hard to keep the house, and we have to be pretty choosy about what they take--dance is too expensive, gymnastics a cheaper alternative.... every little fee and charge is weighed against the fact that we have to make a living as musicians who were too blind to read the writing on the church wall early enough to figure out that this wouldn't pay the bills...but Isaac had just ONE THING he wanted to do this summer. He wanted to build a Daft Punk helmet, the one with the LED's. The time with my kids is evaporating too rapidly, having been robbed of the last years from having to work so much, so I REALLY wanted to see this happen for him. So, we set out to do this, being foiled at every turn by not knowing anything about woodworking and the lack of tools. (Forgot we had a saw in the garage when it went up, oops....)

So anyways, here we are with Dave and Sue, who we met at Radiant, and somehow we get on the topic of this helmet Isaac wants to make.. "Well, bring him over and I'll see what we can do," were Dave's words. Dave has a wood shop, which I didn't know till last night.

Priceless.

These words were magic to me; through the interconnected Body, God made a way for this project, the ONE THING my son wanted to do this summer-to become a reality.
This is just one example of the kinds of things that happen on a regular basis in this group of followers. We are all broken people aspiring to live out the love of Jesus, and this fosters magic moments like these.

So why meet in a building at a regular time? So we know when (most) of us will be there, to have, to hold, to talk to at a reliable time. So we can visit, and chat, and hug, and connect, and know when that will happen. I am ALWAYS really excited about Sunday morning, and the chance to see Dave, and Sue, and my other 'extended' family, as I like to call the Body.

Why have a speaker? Well, there are two things that are unique to Radiant.... the speaker is not always the same person, and the pastor is not considered spiritually superior in some way. This egalitarian view changes the landscape of a group immensely.... instead of beating myself up for not being as good as the pastor or elders, we are friends who share our struggles. TOTALLY different.  And I really like hearing scripture presented-usually in an angular way at Radiant, causing me constantly to rethink through things and challenge old thought patterns... it's actually really, really fun to me to do that, playing Racquetball with my thoughts about life and never quite knowing where the ball will wind up, I love listening to great spiritual speaking, and Bob is a really great speaker.

Why have an offering? Why have paid positions?
I struggled with this after my previous church experience quite a bit before coming to my current conclusion... I think it is perfectly OK to pay someone for them to do something they do well. After just over a year, I became a worship director here, which is part-time paid. Since you just read my story, I don't need to tell you that there is NO WAY I could facilitate the music that happens here without being paid. I have a family to take care of, and it is the same way with our pastor, Bob, I think that the importance of leadership has largely been thrown under the bus recently, but I still think it's important, I am really grateful for all that Bob does, otherwise we wouldn't have this place to meet, speaking to hear, coffee to drink together, food to eat, tubing trips to get hailed on in... I could go on, but you get the point. At its best, paid church staff (ew, I said it out loud for everyone to hear!) is simply allowing someone to facilitate the body to help it become what it was created to be. If I wasn't doing what I do, these incredible musicians I work with would have to find some other venue in which to express their gifts, I personally LOVE to take a group of fine artists and help them unite and make beautiful things for our Creator, a form of creation in return... "Look Daddy, see what we made, TOGETHER!" And I love providing music for people to sing with, contemplating the aspects of our God, singing a rallying cry together, singing about God's love, and rejoicing together in song and music about our love for Him and our love for one another....

...but I can NOT afford to do it for free any more, like I did for 18 years. So, yes, we take an offering.

So, this story of Isaac getting to do his Daft Punk helmet is just a tiny little sliver of glass of the window into why it is I still am in a church.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that people HAVE to go to church, and it should never be out of obligation or guilt, just if you really, really love a gathering that you happen to find that seems to fit you well.

And, I totally believe  that many live out a follower's life without ever setting foot in a church.

And if this body changed, and went nasty in one of the many ways I have seen churches go nasty, I would leave.

But, since I've been asked, there's your answer.

See you Sunday at ten, if you dare!