Fundamentalism…. Religion of Drama Queens

Ahh, the days of yelling preachers and melodramatic altar calls. Miss them? I don’t.  It’s hard to believe that I ever sat amongst the other fundies, hanging on every gem poured forth from the seminary-trained, righteous, godly preacher-man. There was a time that I remember feeling an impending sense of doom, no matter HOW great things were going. The world was going to hell in a handbasket, and I had better be upset to the point of weeping and gnashing of teeth.  Allow me to explain….

 I became a believer in a panic-infested Holiness denomination, complete with the threat of a simple hair trim sending you straight to hell.  There were things about my upbringing  that prepared me well for listening to a lot of yelling and angst on a Sunday morning.  Aaaaaand Sunday night.  Aaaand Wednesday night.  Aaaand anytime a revival preacher came in.  Doors open, we were there. Throughout my Christian life, I went through several churches and even more preachers that were chock full o’drama. 

Turns out, if the leadership is considered to have ‘spiritual authority’ over the peasants that attend, there is no END to the drama that can be fished up, I mean heck, I think you could take ANYONE’s life and dig up enough dirt to render them ‘ungodly’, remember ALL of us are imperfect??  And I still haven’t sorted it all out yet, but there is something about fundamentalism that makes people, well, kinda drama queens.  Every fault needs to be fixed, every stone needs to be turned over to see if there’s some secret sin festering underneath. So, instead of having a group of people who are focusing on their strengths, growing organically, and helping each other through struggles out of love for God and each other; you have endless finger-pointing and drama with a capital D. The hierarchy is set up, and the leaders can call the shots for others until they themselves get toppled in favor of a new King of the Hill.

There’s something about having strict, black-and-white rules against things that totally ramps up the drama… now you have a solid ruler to measure people by, and you just KNOW when they are screwing up!  This has the tendency to bring out the worst in people, and is one reason Jesus got on the nerves of the spiritual leaders of His time.  It is interesting to me how differently Jesus handled each situation He came across, dealing with each individual as a unique person, varying widely in how each situation was treated; a far cry from the “one size fits all” mentality so prevalent in Christian books… this worked for us, so this is the rule for all time, always and forever.  Here’s your formula, take two and call me in the morning.  

But people are all different, and situations are all different, and lumping all situations together with one answer could not be MORE unlike Jesus, who dealt with individuals VERY differently, and had the nerve to kick loving God and loving others right to the top of the “how to follow God” list, trumping all other rules and regulations in one fell swoop of passion for humanity.  I don’t recall seeing  panic as a fruit of the Spirit, but with the way some churches live, you would think that were the case. Maybe this is part of why perfect love casts out all fear, when you are constantly acting out of love while serving a God who is love, there is little to be concerned over. You are living in trust that the love of God and love for one another will draw others to God (and it does), you are trusting the Spirit to change things that others struggle with, just as we trust the Spirit to transform ourselves. The judging stops, and SO DOES THE DRAMA.

I have now been living relatively drama-free for a few years, and I love it. You know, life is hard enough without us beating each other up or trying to please God with an endless list of do’s and don’ts that He never asked for. He far prefers your heart…. and as much as I LOVE theater, as much as I LOVE acting and LOVE movies,

I don’t miss the drama at ALL.

Why I Don't Like Men, But Think Guys Are Awesome.

Yeah, I know.
I'm already in trouble from the first five words, but I'm getting used to it.

     What problem could I possibly have with men?

Well, you see, it all started when I was born the youngest of 8 in a VERY patriarchal family, in which the men totally ruled the roost. I grew up observing my harried mother waiting on my dad  hand and foot, whilst he parked his butt in the La-Z-Boy and sipped his Manhattan. (Hey, they were in back then). Now, I do understand that he was a hardworking doctor when he was at work, but the part I saw was her, the planet, orbiting him, the sun. All of her hopes and dreams revolved around taking care of him. We were also Catholic and all of the important people were men: the Pope, cardinals, bishops, priests who wouldn't dare defile themselves by taking on *gasp* a wife. I also saw some of my four older sisters experience some horrifically damaging relationships with men, and there was also a strong view of woman as sex objects by the men I knew, which was reinforced heavily by some experiences I won't go into--and by then I had seen enough that I was no longer interested in anything men had to offer. So I made a decision at an early age:

      I  NEVER want to be married. Did you catch the NEVER?

I had absolutely NO interest in waiting on a man or spending my life insulating another person from the cares of the world, or bearing the brunt of their anger or irresponsibility or just plain playing second-class citizen for the rest of my life, so I went on to pursue the study of leadership and success at the ripe old age of 12, having decided that I would be CEO of a self-built corporation (OK you can stop snickering, I can hear ya from here.). I knew I was good at leading, and just wanted them to leave me the heck alone while I went out to build a company and do things that would make a difference in the world. Along the way, I decided to pursue music as well, and was nicely on the way to my carefully-laid-out life when something happened.  I met...

                        A GUY!

      He was just a guy, hanging out after a concert, catching my sarcastic barbs and tossing them back with a good-natured underhand. What was this? He was nothing like the men I knew. He couldn't possibly be checking me out for my body, I was wearing a punk army-style trenchcoat. I could've had the four arms of Vishnu and a Yugo under there and he wouldn't have known.  He was....INTERESTING. Not full of stock lines, just, well, someone I wanted to talk to, and we would have great discussions about a plethora of topics, none of which were my chest or backside. So, we started hanging around together, and I met his college roommates, and a miracle! There were more of these... 'guys' around, and I became fast friends with his roommates too, who would ALSO have awesome intellectual and musical discussions with me that lasted into the wee hours of the morning.  They liked and respected me for me, not what I could do for them, and THIS.... this was an entirely new concept for me! You mean I can have friends....that are guys.....and they can actually just appreciate a brain and a good conversation? Awesome!

   So, over the years I have discovered that there are MEN and there are GUYS in my world.

    MEN view women as either subservient or sex objects or both, and become  frustrated with women who consider themselves equal to them in intelligence, or stature, or both. They are usually inordinately proud to be a man, and will say so at times. Sometimes they come in the form of fundamentalists who literally believe themselves superior in some way, sometimes as extreme as the group that uses corporal punishment on their wives, or polygamists, sometimes in far more deceptive or subtle ways that take a while to figure out. Some are just womanizers who have the audacity to ignore the obvious wedding ring, hoping still yet to get lucky.

GUYS view women as equals--we may have different parts, but they treat us as equally intelligent, important, and capable. Over the years, I have developed close and long lasting friendships with GUYS, and treasure the great discussions and fellowship I share with them. Every now and then I will come across someone who think it is risky behavior to be close friends with guys, and I want to make one thing clear. I have NO INTEREST in MEN, I made that clear from the beginning, that have any interest in me in that way, I consider that an insult to my intelligence and personality, and relegates me back to the kind of bimbo-sex-object status I hate so much in the first place.  How do you think female leaders such as Deborah, Hatshepsut (look it up), Catherine the Great, Joan of Arc and many, many other female leaders accomplished what they did? By only becoming friends with women? I am thinking not, I am thinking there is a place in life for the healthy platonic friendship. After 21 years of a great marriage, I believe I can speak of this with at least some authority. I love and appreciate my GUY friends, who treat me in a respectful, caring manner; they are brothers to me, walking through life as part of my support system, as I am part of theirs.  They have no need to worry either, I am interested in being friends, having great thoughtful discussion, and to cross that barrier would be an insult to them and our friendship. Does this make sense at all? So, I hate men but love guys. BTW, don't read too much into the men/guy wording, I was just having a little fun with semantics.

     Of course, the end of the story is that I DID wind up marrying that first real GUY I met after the concert, we just kept spending more and more time together, and decided somewhere along the line that we wanted to be together 24/7. End of my great life plan, anyways.  God threw the monkeywrench in my life that made me a musician instead of a CEO. I may not have the paycheck, but I have a GREAT life, an awesome marriage, and incredible kids--because Mike is a great GUY.

So anyways, here's to all you GUYS out there-- Thank you for treating me like a human being, you really are a fine example--hopefully someday the MEN will wake up and figure out how great you are.

Anyone up for a BIMBOS/LADIES blog?

Monica Barden, Version 2.0

Well, here it is.

This is a day I have waited a VERY long time for, 41 years, to be exact. Will it be perfect? No. Will it be easy? HECK no. Will I love it? Y E S!

You see, three years ago today, most of what I had done with my life vanished due to a pastor-and-elder-board move at a church I had poured my life into.  My husband's and my job was gone, many of my close friends were gone, the life I had known for 18 years straight was...GONE. I had to start over. I was a zombie for months, just void of anything within, empty. Mike and I gradually started to work, basically because we had to, doing whatever we could to get by. He developed a workshop, I went back to a hairstyling job I thought I had retired from to pursue full time ministry. We worked our freaking BUTTS off, doing whatever we could think of to keep our heads above water, but in the freedom from the previous environment, something funny happened.

We found ourselves.

After soo-oo-oo long of living out what we THOUGHT was God's will- doing what others desired with our lives, squashing talent so as to not be "prideful" or "fleshy"or "draw attention to oneself", listening to whatever the church decided was important, we were Fired. Cast out. Done. At the time, I thought our lives had ended-- but it was only the beginning. You see, we both rediscovered long-buried gifts. Mike at one point came to the conclusion that the best way for him to make money was to simply be a musician and recording engineer, and he has been successful with both. How can you be Mike Barden and NOT do fabulously well with all things music? If you know him, it's just who he is!
    Likewise for me, it took a bit longer, but at long last, I got it. I wrote down six words on a sheet of paper last week. The words were: Lead Vocalist, Performer, Leader, Writer, Thinker, Artist. This is who I am. It took three years of starting from ground zero, but SO worth it. I know who I am! I know what I am supposed to do! It is an incredible feeling, like being an eagle feeling the updraft of warm air that will effortlessly take you higher, higher yet and all you have to do is spread your wings and GLIDE...
      You see, my schedule changed this week and I am FINALLY full-time music. I had always thought that God wanted me to put all of my time and effort into the church I was at at the time, whatever was needed, that's what I was, and that's all I would ever be, and I was willing to do only that...
  It's so different now. There's more to who I am, and the scope is much larger than what I had thought when I was just a "church lady". I am in three bands, all of which have really taken off, and lead god-songs with other musicians I love in a gathering of people that are so wonderful and close, and FUN... I literally had no idea life could be like this.
    It would seem the only way I discovered myself is if everything got taken away and I had to start over....naked, stripped down, broken, undone. The only thing left was my being, and I pretty much had to just start being me again.
     So why is today such a big deal? There was a huge shift in my life this week, moving from the triage of the last three years into the regular everyday schedule that creates a life. For the first time since before the institutional church entered my life 21 years ago, EVERYTHING in my regular schedule is there by my choice, nothing short of a miracle for a person who was once fully made up of what everyone else wanted her to be! There is only the future before me, and the pain of the past is informing and creating my future before my eyes. Who knew it wouldn't come together until I was 41? And yet it is so appropriate, who can sing the blues or understand the heart of God without first understanding deep, life-altering pain? So, I can honestly say today that being fired was one of the best things that has ever happened to me..... not pleasant, but it DID break me of a lifetime of compliance-- when you do all that you possibly can to please someone and get kicked out anyways? THAT is what finally broke my dance of compliance. It's over, finally over, and. I now can fully forgive the board and pastor who hurt me so deeply. I will never think that it was right, I don't trust them, and I don't have to spend time with them or comply,  but I simply choose to let go of the past and walk into my future, knowing that it would ruin me and any good I can do in this world to drag the carcass of an old life into my new life.
     I was in the middle of working on a CD called Broken Pieces when we were fired, I am posting these songs for free download.... Broken Pieces was written three years ago, and I'm really no longer in that place--- but it's a last look back before I move forward; a window into that period of my life. I am free now, my voice is free, and I sound different now; but as I say goodbye to the past, I am putting it out there one more time. There is one song that doesn't explain itself-020408- this is the date we were fired, unbeknownst to me at the time, it is also the day that I came to life. I really hope that this inspires some of you to walk into who you are, leaving behind what others have wanted you to become, it is truly a joyous place to be, and you can do FAR more good in this world when you are exactly who you were created to be, no apologies.
    So, along with this blog, you will be seeing LOTS more music and words outta me...hey, we're all in this together and if I can help any of you get through the day and come closer to who YOU are, or grow spiritually deeper, it's all worth it.
So today starts Monica Barden 2.0

/run program/