Monica's Thoughts About 2011...or...Fires Don't Strike Twice in the Same Place, Do They?

Well.
Here I am getting all prepped for my night of blowing the rest of this year hanging with some really great friends...so I thought I would try to construct my thoughts about the transition into 2011 into something reasonable and cohesive. That having totally failed, I wrap up this year with eleven random thoughts...are they resolutions? Not really sure, more like a bizarre list of things I hope to do along with other thoughts about life, the universe and everything....the usual. So here you go:

Monica's Deep and Strange Thoughts About 2011 Countdown

11-Can someone PLEASE silence Miley Cyrus for me? Or at least give her some clothing larger than a washcloth?

10-I am a worship leader, jazz singer, songwriter, blues singer, average guitar player, writer, artist, rock singer, voice, piano and guitar teacher, and speaker. I AM having trouble deciding which one to focus on, if you know me and wouldn't mind; it would be VERY helpful if you could give me any input as to which I am great at, and which shouldn't be a priority, and which I stink to high heaven to the point where everyone around me wishes I would quit but no one will tell me, like a slowly decaying piece of spinach in my front teeth. You can FB message me. Thanks in advance.

9-About 60% of 2010 was sucked up by dealing with a major house fire, GREAT THANKS to all of you who helped us through that, I will NOT be scheduling one for 2011.

6- I AM supposed to be getting ready for a party right now, did I mention that?

7-I could really use a year WITHOUT a major catastrophe that requires us to work around the clock like we've been doing for a few years...I was diagnosed with exhaustion a year ago and due to circumstances still have not been able to do anything about it, except dump major amounts of caffeine into a bottomless pit- but 2011 looks good, SO FAR.......*hears fate snicker*

8-I feel more like myself than I have in years, and want to expand that in the new year. Being yourself is SO underrated and I will likely write an entire blog, if not a book, about why it is so important to own who you are. Yes, I am crazy, loud, acerbic, ADHD and obnoxious, and I am absolutely committed to expanding and honing these talents in the new year.

5-Seriously, I want to buy in my local community as much as possible, and avoid buying anything made in China as much as possible. In the tiny one-horse town I live in, (Waupaca, freezing-freaking cold WI) there are many wonderful people trying to make a living in a far more decent manner than so many of the suits sitting around corporate tables deciding what we 'need'. As far as China, we are just shooting ourselves in the foot, people. NO DOLLAR STORES. *rousing cheer from Mike*

4- This year I want to learn blues guitar and practice much more in ALL of my musical disciplines, and compose regularly. Starting in February, most of my week will be music work, can't wait!

3-I am STILL controller free. Well worth the steep extermination fee.

2-I am considering changing my first name to Monikka-simply because monikka.com is not taken already (DON'T YOU DARE GRAB IT BEFORE I DO!)

And Finally....
1-Feb 4, 2011 marks the third-year anniversary of us being dumped from the church that we had poured our energy, love, time, and resources into for ten years. It has been a hellish three years rebuilding our lives from ground zero--- at times having to work hard while biting back tears, and attempting to keep my head when personally faced with people I know to be complete back stabbers---but WE ARE STILL HERE. There is an old leadership adage stating that after three years, whatever problems you have in your organization or group - are YOUR creation and can no longer be blamed on the previous person.  This makes me happy on two fronts in 2011- one: the previous leadership we were under blamed us for all sorts of things, and though we can't control them blaming us, after three years that argument gets a bit silly; and two: we have built a LOT in three years. Mike has built a thriving recording studio, with a backload of VERY happy clients, he is playing all over the place and is absolutely skyrocketing in his talents now that the restraints of the old church are gone; I am now in three bands which I thoroughly enjoy, and just had my favorite Christmas Eve service EVER leading people that I genuinely love and care about and have a great relationship with.... my friends have become much closer, and I REALLY treasure the environment I am in right now. Honestly, as long as I can focus on the good (which as you know can be very hard, especially when I see people or hear about things going on in that other world I used to live in) but I Still. Press. Forward. Knowing my calling.

BELIEVING long after I thought I wouldn't.

So, grab your noisemakers my friend, and celebrate a new, free life with me.
You in?

When the church becomes your "ex"

A week ago I was down.

REALLY down.

I mean devastatingly, how-will-I-make-it-through-the day, eyeing up the prescription meds and sharp knives depressed.  But why?
 
In order to continue, you probably need to know that I and my husband poured ten of the best years of our lives into building a ministry at a local church only to have a new pastor come in and fire us. We lost our support group and everything we had built for ten years on a Monday morning almost three years ago.  My husband was the pastor of worship as well as one of the elders, and preached there on a regular basis, I was a close to full time volunteer worship leader/arts director/programming person/whatever-other-crisis-comes-up person,  This church was our life, we thought we would be there forever.  But this blog is NOT about that church.  This is about how to survive when you either need to leave, or get kicked out of, an entity that has become your main support system. 
     For those who think I am overdramatizing, it is clear you have NOT been through this, so move along to some cute blog about making pumpkin soup out of used Jack-O-Lanterns. For those of you who know EXACTLY the kind of loss I am talking about, and have been rejected to the point where you're looking for high bridges to jump from, press on; I have walked through this valley and think I may have hit upon something helpful....
        Have any of you ever made the connection between the loss of a church family and a divorce?  As I walked through the valley of the shadow of an elder board I could not please, I conversed with close friends who stuck with me.

Friends who have been divorced.

And I discovered that; though few could relate to what was killing me inside, my divorced friends seemed to know EXACTLY what I was going through!  They had been through the unbelievable rejection, the loss of a major part of their lives and the daily habits familiar to them, having to rebuild their lives, the discomfort level when you have to be in the "ex's" house or deal with relatives who think your "ex" is the best thing since sliced bread, not wanting to even drive by their house, the obnoxiously lengthy recovery time; SO MANY things were parallel.....that when I found myself face to the ground feeling utterly useless and rejected once again because of an encounter that evoked a flood of memories last week, I tried searching for divorce help.  I found an article that helped me pull out of the latest round of depression over the loss of such a large part of my life, and would like to share it with you. If you have the tenacity to still be reading this, here it is:

MONICA'S TEN POINT SURVIVAL GUIDE TO YOUR CHURCH DIVORCE
* I will put the original info from www.thedailymind.com in quotations. And they will look like this.

Whether you left a church, were forced out, or just came home one day to find all of your stuff sitting on the curb and the door locked, here is my adaptation of ten tips that were originally written for the breakup of a marriage....

1. "See your ex as little as possible."
This was one I wish I would have learned sooner.  I had some really close friends that are still at the former church; as well as a few I was VERY close to who are very much in the inner circle of that church-still.  I tried to maintain those relationships at first, but it was just too painful to hear about all of the "great" things that were going on in a leadership that had soundly rejected me.  I had to stop spending time with ALL of these people, not easy when that was a church of 350 and I live in a town of 5000, but I did succeed in developing an entirely new support group. "Every time you see your ex you get a flood of emotions.You might realize you still love them.....or see how happy they are and feel angry and hurt. You don't need that at this time. You need to get over it and to get over it you need a clear head."  So true. I avoid contact whenever possible, it just throws me into a 'what if' spiral.  "Many people try to be friends with their ex because they do not want to admit that it is over. It is hard to be friends when you are grieving over a lost marriage. Don't do it while you are hurting." um, yeah. In the church world, this can seem insensitive, but you are on your own; they still have an entire church body to lean on. Don't sacrifice your sanity out of feeling sorry for them.  They are choosing to stay there.

2. "Remind yourself constantly of the positives"
You know, it's funny. The "old" place haunts my life, and yet if I visited there now and didn't know anybody there? I would be totally uninterested in that church. When you are free from a church you may have been overinvolved with, you get your life back. There are SO many positives for me-- I went from a place with rather conservative views about women and a hierarchical  view of the pastors and elders to an egalitarian church where I can be ordained, if I so desire. My husband, formerly under the thumb of said leadership, is enjoying his life as a recording engineer/professional world-class musician IMMENSELY. There is always something you can find that is positive about your "out", even if it's just not being around people who didn't want you anyways.

3."Reconnect with your passions"
Umm yeah, we're both doing what we WANT now instead of what someone else thinks we should do.

4. "Forget about getting back together"
"Don't hold on to some hope that you will get back together because that hope prevents you from finding your own individual happiness and moving on with your life." ummm yeah. The old place was such a big part of my life that it was incredibly hard to let go of some possibility of us going back- a new pastor, a change of heart in the leadership, whatever; it took a LONG time for me to realize that it really was OVER. I had to eventually write the old place off entirely and rebuild my life elsewhere. Tough, but necessary.

5. "Remember you are not the only one"
THANK YOU Free Believers, Bob Adams, Darin Hufford, Ted Haggard, Tamara, Kerry, That's Not My God, and too many others to list; many of whom I know only through Facebook. You have helped me more than you know. Yes, most  definitely find others who have walked this uniquely dark path; the good news is they are becoming much easier to find as more people than ever before are becoming disillusioned with the institutional church.

6. "Reconnect with family and friends"
Suffice it to say that once I was out, I started meeting all of these people I didn't even realize existed in our small community....I had been too much in the 'bubble' to realize they were there. Much more time for family, too.  My relationships are WAY more solid now that they are not based out of an institution, and I am way more involved with my community.

7. "Realize that you are allowed to be sad"
If you have "Christian" friends who tell you you should 'get over it' or that you are bitter, get rid of them. NOW. You need friends who will love you in the hard times. The institutional church trains hurt people to remain silent by labeling those who say they were hurt as "bitter" or "rebellious".  Don't fear the label, that's all it is, a cheap label to make them feel better.  "You have just gone through what is known to be one of the four hardest things a human being can go through. You have gotten a divorce." Don't punish yourself for having emotions about this; the divorced people I know said it took them 3-5 years to start feeling happy again. Give yourself time, space, and people who will listen with an empathetic ear.

8. "Think about impermanence"
"At the moment you are probably feeling like this depression is never going to go away. But it will. All thoughts are impermanent." Let time do its healing work. Every month gets better for me....if today sucks, just hold on for one more day....you never know when things may turn a corner.

9.  "Tell Tom Cruise to get *#$*ed!"
"We have all seen Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire utter the famous line 'You complete me'. In my opinion, that one line in that one movie has done more to damage healthy relationships..." Okay. THIS one is the underpinning concept of a book I am working on that will likely be called something like 'Codependent on the Church'.... You see, I would NEVER have gotten hurt so badly if we had left at the first big red flag, which happened a mere SIX MONTHS into our attendance at this place...ten years later these exact same issues were still there. However, my husband and I are both compliants, and tolerated, and tolerated, and tolerated, and ran interference, and excused, and enabled.... I in particular had a background of abuse, and felt like the church completed me. The church became WAYYY more in my life than it ever should have been.  The feelings of  'this is my life' are lies. No one and nothing completes you. YOU are YOU and you own your own life, a gift from God. Owning my own life was one of the best gifts I received as a result of getting out of this place.

10. "Don't sit around and watch your life fly away"
You have a limited amount of time in this world, time to forget the 'ex' and launch into what you are, who you are, what you want to do! Go forth and make that amazing impact in this world that only YOU can make!

I will add myself
11. Create new habits.
A part of what is so difficult for me at times is that I can remember so clearly.... my friends on the team sitting in the blue chairs, seeing the people I knew so well from the platform, struggling with the things they had to walk through (I genuinely loved these people), getting up at 4:45 every Sunday morning (um never mind don't miss that), rehearsal times, ALL of these are things of habit that need to be replaced with new habits... volunteer, join a band, do SOMETHING that will establish new habits that will replace the old ones. As humans, we are creatures of habit and maintaining habits will at the very least help with your sense of security in a time of turmoil.

So. There it is. I apologize to those of you who have gone through horrifying divorces that may dwarf what I am going through---but divorce is the closest I have been able to come to how I feel about my last church experience.  I hope this helps you in some way, PLEASE message if I can be of any assistance in YOUR church divorce, I am here to help.

You will be ok. I made it, you can too.

WARNING-- STRONG PERSONAL OPINIONS!---41 things I have learned in 41 years

Consider yourself warned.  If you read this and are offended, it's your own darn fault.  Now I am older than half of you, and I am confident to disseminate the vast years of wisdom under my belt. You may, if you care to, peruse these utterly priceless bits of wisdom that I, in my vast arrogance--- have determined you cannot live without.....

1. You can end a sentence with a preposition without trashing your writing style if you really want to.

2. Keep any insanely trendy clothing, it WILL be back. Or be hilarious. Either way, it's useful. And send me any laughable pix, please.

3.  Don't waste ANY time or energy on anyone who has their name stamped on the handle of the knives sticking out of your back. Even if they're related. Obligational relationship is an oxymoron.

4. It is well worth finding out who these people are and unloading them from your life.

5. Sushi is amazing. There are hundreds of varieties, don't tell me you hate it unless you have tried ALL of them. And wasabi rocks. I'm turning Japanese......I really think so.

6. Religious people and institutions are capable of keeping people in a kind of bondage that nothing else is capable of because they can claim God's will and threaten hellfire and brimstone. 

7. It is okay with God that I am sarcastic and cynical. Really. I mean it.

8. Nerds always win in the end. Sorry jocks and cheerleaders. You are reading this on your computer or Blackberry and that is how I know I am right about this.

9. Many people lived out their glory days in high school, I just started mine a couple years ago.

10. What doesn't kill you really DOES make you stronger, but also more cynical.

11. Pink Floyd "Animals" is about corporations, but it could just as easily be about the institutional church.

12. I lose my phone several times a week.

13. The gay friends I have are some of the nicest, non-judgmental people I know.

14. Auto-tune can be used to induce vomiting.

15. No matter WHAT you do, there will always be people who hate you, and...

16. You NEED to have enemies. If you have no enemies, you stand for nothing.

17. My favorite music is the kind that MAKES you move, usually funk based, and YES I like disco, but I'm pretty picky about which songs.

18. You don't need most of the rules people think you need when raising young children.

19. I am hauling out the turntable again and buying some vinyl---it is aural Nirvana, even if you're not listening to the grunge band.

20. The fact that Scripture has always been translated in a patriarchal society has really messed things up for women.

21. I believe in polygamy. I think I need about 5 brother-husbands to wait on me and do the housework and laundry and such.

22. If you think the previous comment means that my marriage is in trouble, you probably shouldn't read my blogs. You are clearly not getting it. Refer to #7.

23. If you have a health problem, you should NEVER give up on finding a treatment-- took me almost 20 years for a proper diagnosis of MPS. DON'T GIVE UP

24. I am the same person I was when I was a kid, you change less in life than you may think.

25. Some of my friends I only talk to on Facebook are PRICELESS.

26. Having been through hell really helps when you sing the blues.  Or sing anything else, it just makes everything so gritty and real...

27. which is why Miley Cyrus sucks.

28. Being free of controllers---including church and pastoral control---is absolutely imperative to having an abundant and joyful life. This was the key to escaping depression for me.

29. I am a good writer, singer, and leader; and it is okay for me to know and say that. What are YOU? It's important to find out, then be confident in who you are.

30. Relationship and love is paramount, especially with God.

31. Focusing on your life direction and purpose is worth it, even if the dishes and laundry pile up in the process.

32. It is perfectly ok for people to remain single and/or childless, LEAVE THEM THE HECK ALONE!!!!

33. Older people tell their story and attitude by the lines in their face.

34. I am really surprised that you have read this far.

35. "Goth" and "Emo" kids are deeper than those who don't know what a dark thought is.

36. I have an intense connection with friends who have been through horrific despair, some to the point of being suicidal. These are some of the deepest people I know, and I love their depth.

37. There is nothing fun about fundamentalism. It strips personality away, leaving cookie-cutter images that no longer are colorful or interesting enough to accomplish much in this world. Look at the world-changers throughout history... how many were fundamentalists in their belief system? Progress is the result of change, and fundamentalism is its antithesis.

38. It is well worth studying the principles of power and war, even if you are a total peacemaker. If you stand for anything at all, some of these tactics will be used against you whether you like it or not, and you will need to know how to defend yourself.

39. ALWAYS attempt to stop abuse when you see it. If compliants never stand up to abusers, it just continues.....

40. Your life belongs to YOU- do not let others run it for you.

and finally,
41. BE YOURSELF. Not a sanitized version of yourself, but the you that you WANT to be, with it's warts and beauty, loud or quietness, nonconformity or OCD,  neuroses or levelheadedness, tall, short, fat, skinny, obnoxious, reserved, whatever you are THAT IS YOU and don't change it!

SO. There's my 41 thoughts, now can I hear yours?

Dear Controller

Dear Controller,
    I have decided to leave you. I once thought I needed you in my life, but now my eyes have been opened to the damage that you inflict upon myself, my personality, and the lives of those around you, though they rarely realize it.  I know you think you are “helping”; you are not.


I am through with running interference for you, you can clean up your own messes from now on.  I will NOT be available at your beck and call day and night, and it is perfectly okay, even right, that I no longer allow you in my life.
You caused me so much pain, and I tolerated it for such a long time, not knowing the joy I would find in being free from your grip. I no longer feel like I am under someone’s thumb; and I really don’t care what kind of arbitrary rules you think I should be following.  I will not dress, act, think, respond, speak, or run my life as you think I should any longer.


You see, God gave me this beautiful gift.


It is called MY LIFE.
Did you catch the MY part?


My life is my own and no one else’s; my mistakes are my own to make. My history and my feelings are also mine, and I can talk about them as I wish.  For so long I kowtowed and pandered to your whims, thinking I was pleasing God by doing so, but then I realized that God created me to have certain qualities that don’t necessarily please you.


I don’t care anymore. I am me, and I love God, and I know He made me this way for a REASON. You can call me arrogant, snobbish, selfish, full of myself, or whatever else.  You never bothered to find out what is in my heart, you were too interested in your agenda for my life, so you don’t even know me, but my God knows, and my friends know, and they love me anyways.


I wish I had figured this out a long time ago- but now that I have, my thinking has been stretched beyond my old beliefs. I can’t, and WON’T, go back.


I know you are sad, but you are sad because those you control are leaving, one by one, and you really can’t live with yourself, with no one to control. That’s why you can’t leave me alone.  You controlled me at one time, and now you don’t, and you miss that, don’t you?  Well guess what?  Now that all of the energy I once spent pleasing YOU and doing everything for YOU is being spent on my own life, my life is flourishing!  I am doing great, and I have close friends, and my family is amazing.  I had no idea my life could be so fun and wonderful.  I am free, and you can’t take that away from me.  I am free, and you can’t touch my freedom. YOU CAN’T HURT ME ANYMORE, and I’m NEVER going back.


 So long, I won’t miss you, I am too busy enjoying my abundant life!
-Monica

Eight Churches. Six Denominations. One Cynical Woman. (edited version)

OKAY.
Here it is.
I refer often to being involved in eight churches in six denominations, and thought you might want to know what the hey they were... so in case you were wondering, this is WHAT THEY WERE...

 1) For starters: I was raised in a Polish Catholic family, complete with the full dose of guilt and kneeling for punishment. I remember staring around at all of the stained glass and statues and just KNOWING that I was interested in God, but wasn't gonna find him there...I was also briefly involved in an ultra-charismatic church when I was 17. Other than this 6 months or so, which I think just confused me, I believed in God but lacked real connection...

 2) United Pentecostal Church, WI---Right out of the starting gate of believing God was real and that I loved Him and actually WANTED a relationship with Him.....well, you see, the person that had shared God with us was from this delightful Holiness denomination that suddenly stripped me of the rather colorful personality I was born with... goodbye to pants, makeup and FUN....

 3) United Pentecostal Church, IL---As my husband went down to Champaign-Urbana to get his master's in music, OF COURSE we had to find a church in our "correct" denom; this place had an utterly OBNOXIOUS pastor who was extremely heirarchical... this place took holiness church to a whole new level of bondage. Stripped my personality even further at this joint.

 4) Independent Pentecostal Church, WI--- We returned to WI of COURSE because that's where our original "church family" was and that's what you  "should" do... but the pastor left the UPC and we went from being UPCers to being ex UPCers in an independent pentecostal mess of random doctrine---and then that pastor resigned and the pastor that took over sold this church and put the $ into a church right here where I live now in Waupaca. It was VERY mushy and things got VERY weird, as if they weren't weird enough in UPC anyhow...so we decided it was time for a move to....

 5) Charismatic Camp! NC -----Down to the Deep South where they still have Dixie on the jukebox, after all of the charismaniac in-freaking-sanity of the previous place, we THOUGHT we were signing up for a normal Christian camp but we were actually signing up for half a summer of living in a rotting Airstream whilst charismatic weirdness reigned supreme....

 6)Baptist Church/Masters Seminary, L.A.--- Desperately seeking solidity and terra firma beneath our feet, we packed it all up and moved to sunny CA for the specific cause of Mike attending Master's Seminary; which was John MacArthur's brain child of the ultimate doctrinally sound seminary. We found it to be completely dry, dead, unbelievably patriarchal and absolutely loveless. Once we got to LA, the Baptist church was paying Mike less than half what they said they would, and the baptist church turned out to be a highly political, nasty group of older folks who were more than willing to rip the pastor to shreds. Six weeks in, I found out I was pregnant--- I had horrendous endometriosis and was considered totally infertile, it was ENTIRELY impossible and unexpected. All we could do was move back to my sister's basement in WI where she was willing to allow us to stay. My first child was born while we were living in her basement.


7)Evangelical Free Church, WI----  We were here for ten years and thought this would be the church where we ministered the rest of our lives.  This was initially exciting because there was a pastor who passionately preached the love of Jesus, and THAT is what we were looking for. Bought the whole package, and in time, my husband became the pastor of worship, with me being the main worship leader. Had some really good years here, although the constant pressure of some of the more conservative people and the way it was run like a business made us frustrated at times. Then the original pastor was gone..... went without a pastor for a year, then the youth pastor became the lead pastor.  At this time, my husband was working there full time and I was volunteering close to full time.  I tried as hard as I could to do everything that was asked of me, although at times I disagreed sharply with what was being asked and the changes that were being imposed on the worship department.  I did start to sense that this was not the best place for us to be, but we still had what I thought was a successful, thriving ministry and I especially considered the members of the worship team and the staff to be my close personal friends.  Then, on a  Monday morning in Feb of 2008 my husband was abruptly fired. I lost my ministry and my support network on that day; and since I had given up my paying job to volunteer more at the church, and were both relying on my husbands income, we lost all our income as well.  We did receive a decent severance, at the end of which we found out---guess what? There is no unemployment compensation for clergy positions. OUCH!   Our disillusionment reached a new all-time high and I almost pitched it entirely except for...


8) Radiant Fellowship, WI; A of G
This is where we are now... a grace-based church that functions as a non-denom. At this point I should have given up, right?? Prob would NOT attend church at this point, except for a guy named Bob Adams who decided to start what I may call a hospital for hurting believers; I found the freedom to BE MYSELF here at long last; even when we disagree it's ok to do so. SO here is my oasis for the moment.

So. If you include my intensely Catholic upbringing, this is 8 churches in 6 denominations. Now you know why I am cynical, I have seen abuses and ugliness across the board.

I have also seen people loved, supported, and helped, and find God, and THAT is why I am still involved with the gathering at Radiant, even though I pretty much hate the trappings of church at this point.  I hope you have enjoyed the history of my church life; please message me with any questions you may have, ESP if you can relate to any of this and think you could use a friend. 

Thank you for listening, and good night.

Don't let the church folk bite.

INAPPROPRIATE

Is pissed-off a swear word?

This is just one of the many debates I have had with people over things that have come out of my mouth that some would call unseemly for a... 'Lady'.  But who calls me that anyways?

Well, a guy did just yesterday.  He was telling a story about a guy who had done something that I am almost POSITIVE will be reiterated on the Rick and Len morning show on WAPL in their "Small Town Crime Wave" segment. The story came to a part in which the individual involved was engaging in some rather nasty behavior, and he said "....well, I hate to say this with a LADY present"-- which I suppose was thoughtful, but every time someone says something like that I TOTALLY snicker to myself. Why?

Ever since I was a kid I have had a mouth and activity level that was wayyy more acceptable in boys than in girls.  The boys would be loud, obnoxious, destructive, and wild; and people would just say "Boys will be boys." I would be loud, obnoxious, destructive and wild, and I got medicated. I would hear "oh that Monica," because, well; you see, girls just don't act that way.

 It's INAPPROPRIATE.

SO. Here I am, as an adult now, still getting in trouble for saying things and doing things that-- if I were a man-- no one would even bat an eye at.  I hold back A LOT in what I say and do, so when I saw a post this morning admonishing to "be yourself",  I kinda snickered and thought, boy would THAT get me in trouble...
Please understand this, I love being a woman and am comfortable with my sex, don't worry, I am not going to be posting as Malcom Barden sporting a goatee next week or anything like that, that's not the point.  What would be really cool is to really be myself, and I DO think I am getting closer to that... I think I may be one of those people that God placed on this earth to tweak the status quo; waking some up from their routine lives that they have become so firmly established in that even the Cleaver's would consider them a bit stodgy, I DO believe that a monkeywrench well thrown at times can do a LOT of good.

What I would REALLY like to see is for it to be okay to not fit the generalizations that are placed on men and women, either way. I am a woman who doesn't much like shopping, chick flicks, romance novels, staying at home, or anything flowery.  I DO like power tools, weightlifting, being loud and rowdy, crass humor, and much, much more.

I think it is a dangerous thing to categorize people into ANY neat and tidy little categories in which we should fit all of the assumed criteria.  How about we all be ourselves, knowing that these very aberrations in personality are what gives us people like George Sand, Marie Curie, Baryshnikov, Frederic Chopin, Joan of Arc, Deborah.... well THIS list could go on indefinitely; those who had personalities that totally blew apart traditional male/female stereotypes of the time; those who did something DIFFERENT and AMAZING and that's why you recognize their names...

So. Can we PLEASE just pitch the male/female stereotypes?
PLEASE?

Or am I pissing you off?

Okay, So maybe it was the right thing to do after all....

Matthew 6:33.

Yup, that's the one, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."

WOW what a COLOSSAL mistake THAT was.
Or was it?

Let's see, as I go back through my life, I recall figuring out that I first got up on stage to sing when I was six and pretty much decided that's what I loved and where I felt most comfortable.... fast forward to twenty, when I was on the college track to having a vocal jazz degree, and was a punky, sassy chick with plenty to say and a method of speaking it that would make an ex-con trucker blush. At that point I think I could make Chuck Norris blush.

Enter God.

I DID discover love, peace, joy, and healing for much of what I had been through, and I happily forfeited all of my own life, dreams and goals for....well, whatever it was God had in mind, though I had no clue what that would be. That is where the Matthew verse first came in, with me casting caution to the wind and pitching myself headlong into ministry work.
Was that a good idea?
Still not sure, I have now served in eight churches in five denominations and seem to have found a lot of the crap that I believed to have been left behind just as alive and well in the churches as it is outside. I found corrupt leadership, "friends" who would pretend to be so just to pump you for information, backstabbing on an ASTONISHING level --for crying out loud, the National Enquirer should hire some of the church people I have known; pride camouflaged as false humility, greed thinly veiled as "soul winning" that really means "more tithers", elder boards that the church body would be APPALLED to see in action... if they were ever allowed in to their clandestine and lengthy sessions, congregations that could chew up and spit out the best of wonderful men that were trying to lead them well; and much, much more.

What made me stay?
How is it that after the last, utterly life-devastating horrendously painful trauma inflicted on my entire family by the institution, I gave it just ONE MORE CHANCE?

Why am I still serving in a church at all?
The place I am serving right now was the Last Chance Saloon of churches; a place that I figured I might be able to sort so many years of spiritual garbage out... and I have sorted through some, not all; in what I consider to be a reality based, transparent and accepting environment. I'm not sure why it took me so long to find or identify, I am truly envious when I talk to others who just walked right in to a healthy spiritual environment. I think at this point though, I am truly thankful for the scars, which brings me up to this last point....

Oddly, over the last couple of years, as I walked through the WORST of the hurts the church had ever dished my way, I started to doubt. A lot. Things that once were terra firma became sludge under my feet, and I was slipping away from believing things I once considered solid.  Oh, I have believed in, cried out to and even outright YELLED at God through all of that time, I believe, I just couldn't believe He let it end that way. I went through gobs of regret for having wasted so much of my life doing something that seemingly led NOWHERE.  So much for the Matthew verse, shut the bible and shelve it......it's just not true. I lost everything, or at least I thought I had, and that was BEFORE the house fire.....

But here's the funny thing, I am about two and a half years into "losing it all" and suddenly, just when I think what was once my "life verse" has completely evaporated....

I wake up to find that I have the EXACT kind of ministry I had always dreamed was possible, working for an amazing pastor (for those of you who even believe in such a concept as a "pastor", fine with me if you don't) play in 3 bands all of which I love, have spiritual freedom I didn't even know existed, an awesome husband, incredible kids, amazing close friendships, and A DREAM HOUSE I DIDN'T EVEN EVER ASK GOD FOR!!!!!!

So. Was it worth 20 years of hardship?

I guess if I die tomorrow it won't make much sense, but that's not what I am living for. It was NEVER about what I could get, it has ALWAYS been about what I can give and who needs help, with occasional desires for chocolate or a new pair of high heels for myself peppered in. I am human, after all. Not perfect enough for many of the places I have been in, but it would seem I have found my place in this world anyways, but what a crooked, unpredictable route it took. May your life be as weirdly blessed.

If you read this far, I'm really impressed with your tenacity.

Weirdo.

Come join the rest of us, we're having a blast.

Where's the erase button on my past? (TRANSPARENCY ALERT)

THE PERSISTENCE OF THE PAST

Well here I am surrounded by everything I have ever dreamed of….

The house I live in is ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE, my 2 children are amazing and I have a great relationship with them, I have a caring, loving, unbelievably talented and smart husband with an incredible successful business; my voice is FINALLY honed to the degree I have wanted it since I was six, I lead worship at the EXACT kind of church I have always dreamed of with a pastor who is about as wonderful to work for as he could possibly be, and an amazing friend to boot;  not to mention a PHENOMENALLY talented and family-close worship team. I am in three successful bands, and I still get to work at Studio 212 with people I have known and loved for many, many years. I have the very best friends a person could have, and at this point I wake up every day and walk out to an incredible panoramic view of God’s country at its best. So. What’s the problem? The problem is that in spite of all of the success and wonderful circumstances, there it STILL is….

The pain of the past. The memories, the victim mentality, the insecurity, IT IS ALL STILL THERE. We are talking stuff that started in early childhood....Why doesn’t it resolve? Why doesn’t it go away? No, no NOOOOOO….. It lives on as a nagging sadness in the pit of my stomach. Will it always be there?  I have prayed, fasted, been prayed over, gone through counseling-- some of which was great and some of which made it worse…. But why does it stay? Why can’t I forget the pain? Physical pain is easy; having experienced severe pain, it is so much easier to forget than the deeper scars of emotional damage.

The questions remain….

Will I ever forget? Even for a while?
Does what goes around REALLY come around, or is that just told to us so we can feel better about being hurt by others?
Why do some have it so easy, and others have to go though so much?
When you can’t do anything about injustice, do you just play the game until you are in the position to do something about it?
Why does it feel in life like I am looking at a fishbowl with the "good" people in it who get most of it right, while I am on the outside and all I can do is see it all....yet I am absolutely unable to live in that antiseptic world...?

 In the meantime, I guess the silver lining in all of this  is that I do  have a VERY strong desire to do good and bring joy to those around me; I never want to see people suffer; not even enemies.

The fact is. EVERYTHING we go through creates and becomes who we are, and I still idealistically believe that all of that mess can be used-- whether for good or not is up to us. 

AND I guess that I apparently have developed a really strong intuition about singing the blues, everything I sing is a bit tinged with blues...

Maybe it’s right that you have to feel the deep, dark sorts of pain to really sing the blues.

They call it Stormy Monday, but Tuesday’s just as bad…..
At least for those like me.