Is pissed-off a swear word?
This is just one of the many debates I have had with people over things that have come out of my mouth that some would call unseemly for a... 'Lady'. But who calls me that anyways?
Well, a guy did just yesterday. He was telling a story about a guy who had done something that I am almost POSITIVE will be reiterated on the Rick and Len morning show on WAPL in their "Small Town Crime Wave" segment. The story came to a part in which the individual involved was engaging in some rather nasty behavior, and he said "....well, I hate to say this with a LADY present"-- which I suppose was thoughtful, but every time someone says something like that I TOTALLY snicker to myself. Why?
Ever since I was a kid I have had a mouth and activity level that was wayyy more acceptable in boys than in girls. The boys would be loud, obnoxious, destructive, and wild; and people would just say "Boys will be boys." I would be loud, obnoxious, destructive and wild, and I got medicated. I would hear "oh that Monica," because, well; you see, girls just don't act that way.
It's INAPPROPRIATE.
SO. Here I am, as an adult now, still getting in trouble for saying things and doing things that-- if I were a man-- no one would even bat an eye at. I hold back A LOT in what I say and do, so when I saw a post this morning admonishing to "be yourself", I kinda snickered and thought, boy would THAT get me in trouble...
Please understand this, I love being a woman and am comfortable with my sex, don't worry, I am not going to be posting as Malcom Barden sporting a goatee next week or anything like that, that's not the point. What would be really cool is to really be myself, and I DO think I am getting closer to that... I think I may be one of those people that God placed on this earth to tweak the status quo; waking some up from their routine lives that they have become so firmly established in that even the Cleaver's would consider them a bit stodgy, I DO believe that a monkeywrench well thrown at times can do a LOT of good.
What I would REALLY like to see is for it to be okay to not fit the generalizations that are placed on men and women, either way. I am a woman who doesn't much like shopping, chick flicks, romance novels, staying at home, or anything flowery. I DO like power tools, weightlifting, being loud and rowdy, crass humor, and much, much more.
I think it is a dangerous thing to categorize people into ANY neat and tidy little categories in which we should fit all of the assumed criteria. How about we all be ourselves, knowing that these very aberrations in personality are what gives us people like George Sand, Marie Curie, Baryshnikov, Frederic Chopin, Joan of Arc, Deborah.... well THIS list could go on indefinitely; those who had personalities that totally blew apart traditional male/female stereotypes of the time; those who did something DIFFERENT and AMAZING and that's why you recognize their names...
So. Can we PLEASE just pitch the male/female stereotypes?
PLEASE?
Or am I pissing you off?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Okay, So maybe it was the right thing to do after all....
Matthew 6:33.
Yup, that's the one, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."
WOW what a COLOSSAL mistake THAT was.
Or was it?
Let's see, as I go back through my life, I recall figuring out that I first got up on stage to sing when I was six and pretty much decided that's what I loved and where I felt most comfortable.... fast forward to twenty, when I was on the college track to having a vocal jazz degree, and was a punky, sassy chick with plenty to say and a method of speaking it that would make an ex-con trucker blush. At that point I think I could make Chuck Norris blush.
Enter God.
I DID discover love, peace, joy, and healing for much of what I had been through, and I happily forfeited all of my own life, dreams and goals for....well, whatever it was God had in mind, though I had no clue what that would be. That is where the Matthew verse first came in, with me casting caution to the wind and pitching myself headlong into ministry work.
Was that a good idea?
Still not sure, I have now served in eight churches in five denominations and seem to have found a lot of the crap that I believed to have been left behind just as alive and well in the churches as it is outside. I found corrupt leadership, "friends" who would pretend to be so just to pump you for information, backstabbing on an ASTONISHING level --for crying out loud, the National Enquirer should hire some of the church people I have known; pride camouflaged as false humility, greed thinly veiled as "soul winning" that really means "more tithers", elder boards that the church body would be APPALLED to see in action... if they were ever allowed in to their clandestine and lengthy sessions, congregations that could chew up and spit out the best of wonderful men that were trying to lead them well; and much, much more.
What made me stay?
How is it that after the last, utterly life-devastating horrendously painful trauma inflicted on my entire family by the institution, I gave it just ONE MORE CHANCE?
Why am I still serving in a church at all?
The place I am serving right now was the Last Chance Saloon of churches; a place that I figured I might be able to sort so many years of spiritual garbage out... and I have sorted through some, not all; in what I consider to be a reality based, transparent and accepting environment. I'm not sure why it took me so long to find or identify, I am truly envious when I talk to others who just walked right in to a healthy spiritual environment. I think at this point though, I am truly thankful for the scars, which brings me up to this last point....
Oddly, over the last couple of years, as I walked through the WORST of the hurts the church had ever dished my way, I started to doubt. A lot. Things that once were terra firma became sludge under my feet, and I was slipping away from believing things I once considered solid. Oh, I have believed in, cried out to and even outright YELLED at God through all of that time, I believe, I just couldn't believe He let it end that way. I went through gobs of regret for having wasted so much of my life doing something that seemingly led NOWHERE. So much for the Matthew verse, shut the bible and shelve it......it's just not true. I lost everything, or at least I thought I had, and that was BEFORE the house fire.....
But here's the funny thing, I am about two and a half years into "losing it all" and suddenly, just when I think what was once my "life verse" has completely evaporated....
I wake up to find that I have the EXACT kind of ministry I had always dreamed was possible, working for an amazing pastor (for those of you who even believe in such a concept as a "pastor", fine with me if you don't) play in 3 bands all of which I love, have spiritual freedom I didn't even know existed, an awesome husband, incredible kids, amazing close friendships, and A DREAM HOUSE I DIDN'T EVEN EVER ASK GOD FOR!!!!!!
So. Was it worth 20 years of hardship?
I guess if I die tomorrow it won't make much sense, but that's not what I am living for. It was NEVER about what I could get, it has ALWAYS been about what I can give and who needs help, with occasional desires for chocolate or a new pair of high heels for myself peppered in. I am human, after all. Not perfect enough for many of the places I have been in, but it would seem I have found my place in this world anyways, but what a crooked, unpredictable route it took. May your life be as weirdly blessed.
If you read this far, I'm really impressed with your tenacity.
Weirdo.
Come join the rest of us, we're having a blast.
Yup, that's the one, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."
WOW what a COLOSSAL mistake THAT was.
Or was it?
Let's see, as I go back through my life, I recall figuring out that I first got up on stage to sing when I was six and pretty much decided that's what I loved and where I felt most comfortable.... fast forward to twenty, when I was on the college track to having a vocal jazz degree, and was a punky, sassy chick with plenty to say and a method of speaking it that would make an ex-con trucker blush. At that point I think I could make Chuck Norris blush.
Enter God.
I DID discover love, peace, joy, and healing for much of what I had been through, and I happily forfeited all of my own life, dreams and goals for....well, whatever it was God had in mind, though I had no clue what that would be. That is where the Matthew verse first came in, with me casting caution to the wind and pitching myself headlong into ministry work.
Was that a good idea?
Still not sure, I have now served in eight churches in five denominations and seem to have found a lot of the crap that I believed to have been left behind just as alive and well in the churches as it is outside. I found corrupt leadership, "friends" who would pretend to be so just to pump you for information, backstabbing on an ASTONISHING level --for crying out loud, the National Enquirer should hire some of the church people I have known; pride camouflaged as false humility, greed thinly veiled as "soul winning" that really means "more tithers", elder boards that the church body would be APPALLED to see in action... if they were ever allowed in to their clandestine and lengthy sessions, congregations that could chew up and spit out the best of wonderful men that were trying to lead them well; and much, much more.
What made me stay?
How is it that after the last, utterly life-devastating horrendously painful trauma inflicted on my entire family by the institution, I gave it just ONE MORE CHANCE?
Why am I still serving in a church at all?
The place I am serving right now was the Last Chance Saloon of churches; a place that I figured I might be able to sort so many years of spiritual garbage out... and I have sorted through some, not all; in what I consider to be a reality based, transparent and accepting environment. I'm not sure why it took me so long to find or identify, I am truly envious when I talk to others who just walked right in to a healthy spiritual environment. I think at this point though, I am truly thankful for the scars, which brings me up to this last point....
Oddly, over the last couple of years, as I walked through the WORST of the hurts the church had ever dished my way, I started to doubt. A lot. Things that once were terra firma became sludge under my feet, and I was slipping away from believing things I once considered solid. Oh, I have believed in, cried out to and even outright YELLED at God through all of that time, I believe, I just couldn't believe He let it end that way. I went through gobs of regret for having wasted so much of my life doing something that seemingly led NOWHERE. So much for the Matthew verse, shut the bible and shelve it......it's just not true. I lost everything, or at least I thought I had, and that was BEFORE the house fire.....
But here's the funny thing, I am about two and a half years into "losing it all" and suddenly, just when I think what was once my "life verse" has completely evaporated....
I wake up to find that I have the EXACT kind of ministry I had always dreamed was possible, working for an amazing pastor (for those of you who even believe in such a concept as a "pastor", fine with me if you don't) play in 3 bands all of which I love, have spiritual freedom I didn't even know existed, an awesome husband, incredible kids, amazing close friendships, and A DREAM HOUSE I DIDN'T EVEN EVER ASK GOD FOR!!!!!!
So. Was it worth 20 years of hardship?
I guess if I die tomorrow it won't make much sense, but that's not what I am living for. It was NEVER about what I could get, it has ALWAYS been about what I can give and who needs help, with occasional desires for chocolate or a new pair of high heels for myself peppered in. I am human, after all. Not perfect enough for many of the places I have been in, but it would seem I have found my place in this world anyways, but what a crooked, unpredictable route it took. May your life be as weirdly blessed.
If you read this far, I'm really impressed with your tenacity.
Weirdo.
Come join the rest of us, we're having a blast.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Where's the erase button on my past? (TRANSPARENCY ALERT)
THE PERSISTENCE OF THE PAST
Well here I am surrounded by everything I have ever dreamed of….
The house I live in is ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE, my 2 children are amazing and I have a great relationship with them, I have a caring, loving, unbelievably talented and smart husband with an incredible successful business; my voice is FINALLY honed to the degree I have wanted it since I was six, I lead worship at the EXACT kind of church I have always dreamed of with a pastor who is about as wonderful to work for as he could possibly be, and an amazing friend to boot; not to mention a PHENOMENALLY talented and family-close worship team. I am in three successful bands, and I still get to work at Studio 212 with people I have known and loved for many, many years. I have the very best friends a person could have, and at this point I wake up every day and walk out to an incredible panoramic view of God’s country at its best. So. What’s the problem? The problem is that in spite of all of the success and wonderful circumstances, there it STILL is….
The pain of the past. The memories, the victim mentality, the insecurity, IT IS ALL STILL THERE. We are talking stuff that started in early childhood....Why doesn’t it resolve? Why doesn’t it go away? No, no NOOOOOO….. It lives on as a nagging sadness in the pit of my stomach. Will it always be there? I have prayed, fasted, been prayed over, gone through counseling-- some of which was great and some of which made it worse…. But why does it stay? Why can’t I forget the pain? Physical pain is easy; having experienced severe pain, it is so much easier to forget than the deeper scars of emotional damage.
The questions remain….
Will I ever forget? Even for a while?
Does what goes around REALLY come around, or is that just told to us so we can feel better about being hurt by others?
Why do some have it so easy, and others have to go though so much?
When you can’t do anything about injustice, do you just play the game until you are in the position to do something about it?
Why does it feel in life like I am looking at a fishbowl with the "good" people in it who get most of it right, while I am on the outside and all I can do is see it all....yet I am absolutely unable to live in that antiseptic world...?
In the meantime, I guess the silver lining in all of this is that I do have a VERY strong desire to do good and bring joy to those around me; I never want to see people suffer; not even enemies.
The fact is. EVERYTHING we go through creates and becomes who we are, and I still idealistically believe that all of that mess can be used-- whether for good or not is up to us.
AND I guess that I apparently have developed a really strong intuition about singing the blues, everything I sing is a bit tinged with blues...
Maybe it’s right that you have to feel the deep, dark sorts of pain to really sing the blues.
They call it Stormy Monday, but Tuesday’s just as bad…..
At least for those like me.
Well here I am surrounded by everything I have ever dreamed of….
The house I live in is ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE, my 2 children are amazing and I have a great relationship with them, I have a caring, loving, unbelievably talented and smart husband with an incredible successful business; my voice is FINALLY honed to the degree I have wanted it since I was six, I lead worship at the EXACT kind of church I have always dreamed of with a pastor who is about as wonderful to work for as he could possibly be, and an amazing friend to boot; not to mention a PHENOMENALLY talented and family-close worship team. I am in three successful bands, and I still get to work at Studio 212 with people I have known and loved for many, many years. I have the very best friends a person could have, and at this point I wake up every day and walk out to an incredible panoramic view of God’s country at its best. So. What’s the problem? The problem is that in spite of all of the success and wonderful circumstances, there it STILL is….
The pain of the past. The memories, the victim mentality, the insecurity, IT IS ALL STILL THERE. We are talking stuff that started in early childhood....Why doesn’t it resolve? Why doesn’t it go away? No, no NOOOOOO….. It lives on as a nagging sadness in the pit of my stomach. Will it always be there? I have prayed, fasted, been prayed over, gone through counseling-- some of which was great and some of which made it worse…. But why does it stay? Why can’t I forget the pain? Physical pain is easy; having experienced severe pain, it is so much easier to forget than the deeper scars of emotional damage.
The questions remain….
Will I ever forget? Even for a while?
Does what goes around REALLY come around, or is that just told to us so we can feel better about being hurt by others?
Why do some have it so easy, and others have to go though so much?
When you can’t do anything about injustice, do you just play the game until you are in the position to do something about it?
Why does it feel in life like I am looking at a fishbowl with the "good" people in it who get most of it right, while I am on the outside and all I can do is see it all....yet I am absolutely unable to live in that antiseptic world...?
In the meantime, I guess the silver lining in all of this is that I do have a VERY strong desire to do good and bring joy to those around me; I never want to see people suffer; not even enemies.
The fact is. EVERYTHING we go through creates and becomes who we are, and I still idealistically believe that all of that mess can be used-- whether for good or not is up to us.
AND I guess that I apparently have developed a really strong intuition about singing the blues, everything I sing is a bit tinged with blues...
Maybe it’s right that you have to feel the deep, dark sorts of pain to really sing the blues.
They call it Stormy Monday, but Tuesday’s just as bad…..
At least for those like me.
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