THE PERSISTENCE OF THE PAST
Well here I am surrounded by everything I have ever dreamed of….
The house I live in is ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE, my 2 children are amazing and I have a great relationship with them, I have a caring, loving, unbelievably talented and smart husband with an incredible successful business; my voice is FINALLY honed to the degree I have wanted it since I was six, I lead worship at the EXACT kind of church I have always dreamed of with a pastor who is about as wonderful to work for as he could possibly be, and an amazing friend to boot; not to mention a PHENOMENALLY talented and family-close worship team. I am in three successful bands, and I still get to work at Studio 212 with people I have known and loved for many, many years. I have the very best friends a person could have, and at this point I wake up every day and walk out to an incredible panoramic view of God’s country at its best. So. What’s the problem? The problem is that in spite of all of the success and wonderful circumstances, there it STILL is….
The pain of the past. The memories, the victim mentality, the insecurity, IT IS ALL STILL THERE. We are talking stuff that started in early childhood....Why doesn’t it resolve? Why doesn’t it go away? No, no NOOOOOO….. It lives on as a nagging sadness in the pit of my stomach. Will it always be there? I have prayed, fasted, been prayed over, gone through counseling-- some of which was great and some of which made it worse…. But why does it stay? Why can’t I forget the pain? Physical pain is easy; having experienced severe pain, it is so much easier to forget than the deeper scars of emotional damage.
The questions remain….
Will I ever forget? Even for a while?
Does what goes around REALLY come around, or is that just told to us so we can feel better about being hurt by others?
Why do some have it so easy, and others have to go though so much?
When you can’t do anything about injustice, do you just play the game until you are in the position to do something about it?
Why does it feel in life like I am looking at a fishbowl with the "good" people in it who get most of it right, while I am on the outside and all I can do is see it all....yet I am absolutely unable to live in that antiseptic world...?
In the meantime, I guess the silver lining in all of this is that I do have a VERY strong desire to do good and bring joy to those around me; I never want to see people suffer; not even enemies.
The fact is. EVERYTHING we go through creates and becomes who we are, and I still idealistically believe that all of that mess can be used-- whether for good or not is up to us.
AND I guess that I apparently have developed a really strong intuition about singing the blues, everything I sing is a bit tinged with blues...
Maybe it’s right that you have to feel the deep, dark sorts of pain to really sing the blues.
They call it Stormy Monday, but Tuesday’s just as bad…..
At least for those like me.
it is well for Christians to look back on what they once were. It will produce:
ReplyDelete(a) humility,
(b) gratitude,
(c) a deep sense of the sovereign mercy of God,
(d) an earnest desire that others may be recovered and saved in like manner; compare Ephesians 2:1, Ephesians 2:2; Ephesians 5:8; Colossians 3:7; Titus 3:3, Titus 3:6 - The design of this is to remind them of what they were, and to show them that they were now under obligation to lead better lives - by all the mercy which God had shown in recovering them from sins so degrading, and from a condition so dreadful.
monica i dont normaly read blogs but i thought id give it a shot. there are a couple of points that you bring up which stuck out and here is my little bit of wisdom weather wrong or right lol
ReplyDelete"feel the deep, dark sorts of pain to really sing the blues" my understanding is we dont have to sing the blues just be aware that it is there" acknowledge the blues kinda just dont need to sing them...
Monica~ We have not met, but I understand the pain of your past. The childhood memories are always there and a few from my adulthood as well.
ReplyDeleteI also write a blog, mostly about living in adversity; that place where God enters into our pain, the very fiber of our lives; a place where He is all too familiar with what we are going through.
Some days it is hard for me to say, "what better way to know God than to experience the weight of His sorrows borne for me on the cross?", and I still struggle in His arms.
Sing the blues, Monica! They have made you who you are. For in them shines the strength of the Savior made perfect in our weakness.
I'll be following along and I'm looking forward to sharing the teatime of the soul with you:)
Hey I LIKE singing the blues, Ian. It's a big part of who I am, and if you have heard me sing, blues style is an integral part of EVERYTHING I sing.
ReplyDeletesinging the blues is good i meant that you didnt have to "feel" the blues so to speak just saying that you dont have to be starving to death to know what starving is...
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