Matthew 6:33.
Yup, that's the one, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."
WOW what a COLOSSAL mistake THAT was.
Or was it?
Let's see, as I go back through my life, I recall figuring out that I first got up on stage to sing when I was six and pretty much decided that's what I loved and where I felt most comfortable.... fast forward to twenty, when I was on the college track to having a vocal jazz degree, and was a punky, sassy chick with plenty to say and a method of speaking it that would make an ex-con trucker blush. At that point I think I could make Chuck Norris blush.
Enter God.
I DID discover love, peace, joy, and healing for much of what I had been through, and I happily forfeited all of my own life, dreams and goals for....well, whatever it was God had in mind, though I had no clue what that would be. That is where the Matthew verse first came in, with me casting caution to the wind and pitching myself headlong into ministry work.
Was that a good idea?
Still not sure, I have now served in eight churches in five denominations and seem to have found a lot of the crap that I believed to have been left behind just as alive and well in the churches as it is outside. I found corrupt leadership, "friends" who would pretend to be so just to pump you for information, backstabbing on an ASTONISHING level --for crying out loud, the National Enquirer should hire some of the church people I have known; pride camouflaged as false humility, greed thinly veiled as "soul winning" that really means "more tithers", elder boards that the church body would be APPALLED to see in action... if they were ever allowed in to their clandestine and lengthy sessions, congregations that could chew up and spit out the best of wonderful men that were trying to lead them well; and much, much more.
What made me stay?
How is it that after the last, utterly life-devastating horrendously painful trauma inflicted on my entire family by the institution, I gave it just ONE MORE CHANCE?
Why am I still serving in a church at all?
The place I am serving right now was the Last Chance Saloon of churches; a place that I figured I might be able to sort so many years of spiritual garbage out... and I have sorted through some, not all; in what I consider to be a reality based, transparent and accepting environment. I'm not sure why it took me so long to find or identify, I am truly envious when I talk to others who just walked right in to a healthy spiritual environment. I think at this point though, I am truly thankful for the scars, which brings me up to this last point....
Oddly, over the last couple of years, as I walked through the WORST of the hurts the church had ever dished my way, I started to doubt. A lot. Things that once were terra firma became sludge under my feet, and I was slipping away from believing things I once considered solid. Oh, I have believed in, cried out to and even outright YELLED at God through all of that time, I believe, I just couldn't believe He let it end that way. I went through gobs of regret for having wasted so much of my life doing something that seemingly led NOWHERE. So much for the Matthew verse, shut the bible and shelve it......it's just not true. I lost everything, or at least I thought I had, and that was BEFORE the house fire.....
But here's the funny thing, I am about two and a half years into "losing it all" and suddenly, just when I think what was once my "life verse" has completely evaporated....
I wake up to find that I have the EXACT kind of ministry I had always dreamed was possible, working for an amazing pastor (for those of you who even believe in such a concept as a "pastor", fine with me if you don't) play in 3 bands all of which I love, have spiritual freedom I didn't even know existed, an awesome husband, incredible kids, amazing close friendships, and A DREAM HOUSE I DIDN'T EVEN EVER ASK GOD FOR!!!!!!
So. Was it worth 20 years of hardship?
I guess if I die tomorrow it won't make much sense, but that's not what I am living for. It was NEVER about what I could get, it has ALWAYS been about what I can give and who needs help, with occasional desires for chocolate or a new pair of high heels for myself peppered in. I am human, after all. Not perfect enough for many of the places I have been in, but it would seem I have found my place in this world anyways, but what a crooked, unpredictable route it took. May your life be as weirdly blessed.
If you read this far, I'm really impressed with your tenacity.
Weirdo.
Come join the rest of us, we're having a blast.
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