Monica Barden, Version 2.0

Well, here it is.

This is a day I have waited a VERY long time for, 41 years, to be exact. Will it be perfect? No. Will it be easy? HECK no. Will I love it? Y E S!

You see, three years ago today, most of what I had done with my life vanished due to a pastor-and-elder-board move at a church I had poured my life into.  My husband's and my job was gone, many of my close friends were gone, the life I had known for 18 years straight was...GONE. I had to start over. I was a zombie for months, just void of anything within, empty. Mike and I gradually started to work, basically because we had to, doing whatever we could to get by. He developed a workshop, I went back to a hairstyling job I thought I had retired from to pursue full time ministry. We worked our freaking BUTTS off, doing whatever we could think of to keep our heads above water, but in the freedom from the previous environment, something funny happened.

We found ourselves.

After soo-oo-oo long of living out what we THOUGHT was God's will- doing what others desired with our lives, squashing talent so as to not be "prideful" or "fleshy"or "draw attention to oneself", listening to whatever the church decided was important, we were Fired. Cast out. Done. At the time, I thought our lives had ended-- but it was only the beginning. You see, we both rediscovered long-buried gifts. Mike at one point came to the conclusion that the best way for him to make money was to simply be a musician and recording engineer, and he has been successful with both. How can you be Mike Barden and NOT do fabulously well with all things music? If you know him, it's just who he is!
    Likewise for me, it took a bit longer, but at long last, I got it. I wrote down six words on a sheet of paper last week. The words were: Lead Vocalist, Performer, Leader, Writer, Thinker, Artist. This is who I am. It took three years of starting from ground zero, but SO worth it. I know who I am! I know what I am supposed to do! It is an incredible feeling, like being an eagle feeling the updraft of warm air that will effortlessly take you higher, higher yet and all you have to do is spread your wings and GLIDE...
      You see, my schedule changed this week and I am FINALLY full-time music. I had always thought that God wanted me to put all of my time and effort into the church I was at at the time, whatever was needed, that's what I was, and that's all I would ever be, and I was willing to do only that...
  It's so different now. There's more to who I am, and the scope is much larger than what I had thought when I was just a "church lady". I am in three bands, all of which have really taken off, and lead god-songs with other musicians I love in a gathering of people that are so wonderful and close, and FUN... I literally had no idea life could be like this.
    It would seem the only way I discovered myself is if everything got taken away and I had to start over....naked, stripped down, broken, undone. The only thing left was my being, and I pretty much had to just start being me again.
     So why is today such a big deal? There was a huge shift in my life this week, moving from the triage of the last three years into the regular everyday schedule that creates a life. For the first time since before the institutional church entered my life 21 years ago, EVERYTHING in my regular schedule is there by my choice, nothing short of a miracle for a person who was once fully made up of what everyone else wanted her to be! There is only the future before me, and the pain of the past is informing and creating my future before my eyes. Who knew it wouldn't come together until I was 41? And yet it is so appropriate, who can sing the blues or understand the heart of God without first understanding deep, life-altering pain? So, I can honestly say today that being fired was one of the best things that has ever happened to me..... not pleasant, but it DID break me of a lifetime of compliance-- when you do all that you possibly can to please someone and get kicked out anyways? THAT is what finally broke my dance of compliance. It's over, finally over, and. I now can fully forgive the board and pastor who hurt me so deeply. I will never think that it was right, I don't trust them, and I don't have to spend time with them or comply,  but I simply choose to let go of the past and walk into my future, knowing that it would ruin me and any good I can do in this world to drag the carcass of an old life into my new life.
     I was in the middle of working on a CD called Broken Pieces when we were fired, I am posting these songs for free download.... Broken Pieces was written three years ago, and I'm really no longer in that place--- but it's a last look back before I move forward; a window into that period of my life. I am free now, my voice is free, and I sound different now; but as I say goodbye to the past, I am putting it out there one more time. There is one song that doesn't explain itself-020408- this is the date we were fired, unbeknownst to me at the time, it is also the day that I came to life. I really hope that this inspires some of you to walk into who you are, leaving behind what others have wanted you to become, it is truly a joyous place to be, and you can do FAR more good in this world when you are exactly who you were created to be, no apologies.
    So, along with this blog, you will be seeing LOTS more music and words outta me...hey, we're all in this together and if I can help any of you get through the day and come closer to who YOU are, or grow spiritually deeper, it's all worth it.
So today starts Monica Barden 2.0

/run program/