Easter Service....or...Church Feeding Frenzy?

Ok, I have had it, and I'm gonna spill the beans (as if you don't already know).

YOU are being targeted.

You are being lured in by cantatas, multi-media presentations, re-enactments designed to make you cry, Easter egg hunts, and even cash prizes. Church leadership across the country is drooling over the possibility of new checks in the offering plate, and more seats being filled.  Has the simple story of the love of Jesus really come to this? In a world where Christmas is often accused of being the big overcommercialized holiday, Easter is rapidly becoming just as much of a drool-fest for promoters-only this time the church itself is at the core of the commercialization.

First of all, I really feel the need to apologize....because I myself was once at the core of how-can-we-get-more-butts-in-the-seats meetings, before I went through the crucible that left me totally destroyed....and in love with Jesus, and appalled at some of the ways I have misrepresented God's beautiful and deep love for us, and the way that Jesus got to know people---through relationships, not a cheap commercial. 

His yoke is easy, His burden is light....so why did I spend so many years killing myself to put on multimedia extravaganzas that at best, created some warm fuzzies and a few tears, but at worst burned people out, misrepresented who we really were, and attempted to manipulate other's emotions? All promoted by a media-blitz rivaling a used car-lot's end of season sales push. So what changed?

I have discovered love. I have discovered grace. I have discovered Jesus, and He wasn't where or what I quite thought. I REALLY started to know the character of Jesus in the seasons of life, oddly enough, where the externals were stripped away and I was left, barely breathing, wondering how I would get through the day. It has been in the deserts, in the personal conversations, in the discussions, in the introspective times, in the hanging around together, breaking bread, in the walking through things that were WAY too big for me to handle; THOSE are the places I have come face to face with my Creator, and literally found Him to be more than enough.

There is a funny thing happening at the gathering I currently regularly go to....for Easter, we purposefully decided to make it just like any other service...there is some new music, and a couple of girls who do spectacular ballet on pointe will perform, but there is NO media blitz, NO bait-and-switch of one event that is really just fancy advertising for the Sunday service, NO fancy cantata, NO mailing, NO newspaper ad, NO radio ad, and nothing that is inconsistent with the things that just naturally flow from the people who like to do things there.

Will there be music? Yes, but it has NOT been chosen to maximize visitor auditory pleasure, it's just songs done by some people who are gifted at music that sing about God that this particular group of people happen to like singing.

Is there  a message? Yes, but it is a thoughtful in-depth study about the Bible and history and how we are all negotiating life, and has NOT been chosen according to how quickly it can bring people to tears over what happened to Jesus.

Is it perfect? NO. and actually now, it's OK for me not to be perfect. For a song to fall flat. For the media to get hung up and leave people chatting while the computer reboots. Not that this will happen, it's just that no one's neck is on the line if it does, because.... we actually *GASP* care about one another, in spite of our flaws.

The reason I bother even showing up this weekend myself--is because I look forward to seeing my adopted family, this group of people who walk through life together and choose to meet together at regular times, sing songs together, learn about God and life together, eat together, and just simply hang around together, OBLIGATION FREE. I just wanna go, it's pretty fun and I can sense the spirit of love and the Spirit of God flowing actively and organically amongst this group of people. And, if someone new happens to drop by, and really feels like this is the group of God-followers is who they have been looking for to walk through life with, then so be it, they are welcome to join this gathering, but I will NOT pressure anyone to stay with us, and I refuse to treat this Sunday as the "Super-Bowl" of Christianity, when I know darn well that God walks with anyone who wants Him in their life each day.

So, no longer will I use the crucifixion as a method to guilt people into the Kingdom
No long will I use the Easter bump in attendance to consider how we can get the increase in numbers to stay
No longer will I put on presentations that burn out the musicians I work with

what I WILL do is show up this week, play tunes with some great friends, listen to a message I am really looking forward to that is going to involve Plato and Homer and history and Jesus....and watch some cool dancing, and hang around with friends I love, and probably meet some new people, and live out the Gospel, the GOOD news....

His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.

I am so thankful  for this simple message, and so happy that I now live an abundant and free life. The pressure is gone.

I am indeed the music director at a church, but I have been spoiled by grace and....

I will sleep just fine Saturday night.

Soli Deo Gloria-or Why I'm a Believer and Still Have No Issue Singing Led Zeppelin tunes on a Friday night

I believe I may be making some people mad.
Or at least just puzzled.

You see, I ALWAYS have had a strong bent for music. I was first on stage singing at 6, learned piano at 7, and composed starting at 12. But it wasn't until I got into the church at 20 that my music started getting a mandatory edit by the church. Anyone who knows my story knows I started church 21 years ago at a United Pentecostal church.... VERY strict on music, we really weren't supposed to listen to anything BUT Christian music, though at least I did discover black Gospel choir music (which I STILL love) so I kinda glommed onto that-- if I was gonna HAVE to listen to Christian music, it's gonna groove! I did wind up loving some of the music a lot, and it became very meaningful to me....HOWEVER, there was a large part of Christian music that Mike and I, as musicians, puzzled over. Why was the music so vanilla? Why did so many of the songs sound the same? Why was the music so behind the times? And WHY on God's green Earth would tone-deaf folks who were CLEARLY terrified still want to stand at the front of the church, uncomfortably holding a cassette insert with lyrics in one hand, a mic in the other, and butcher some poor Christian tune and make everyone present have to bite their lips to endure it? There are MANY questions I could address here, but I am focusing on only one in this blog.

WHY was it wrong to play in a secular band?

There were all sorts of verses thrown at us, and rest assured-if you are reading this and are determined to "fix" the fact that I enjoy and play secular music, keep in mind that I have already heard every argument under the sun against this, and have VERY fully studied this out, I have had no choice, as it is one of the only professions with this expectation. I gave up any kind of secular music for about ten years, and only rediscovered it after I had been out of the superlegalistic Holiness denomination for a while. Yet even among evangelicals, there were some that were REALLY offended as we started to do more and more secular music.

But here is the deal: Would you want a carpenter who had only built church furniture to build your house?
Would you prefer a surgeon who had limited experience because they would only operate on Christians, or one who had extensive experience on all sorts of people from all walks of life?
Would you really expect any businessman to shoot himself in the foot by taking ONLY work from Christians and no one else?

And even if they could, is that even how God wants us to live? Aren't we supposed to be salt and light, spreading good taste and brightness everywhere--not in a holy huddle, all covered up and coddled against a world we are supposed to be helping?

I remember Mike being constantly harassed by one person for listening to secular music; they could NOT understand why in the world he couldn't just listen to something Christian that was similar, and Mike came up with one off the best ways to explain this that I have ever heard; goes like this.

Let's say there's groups of Christian football players across the US, and they decide to have a Christian football division, let's call it the CFC. They play each other in Christian venues, for Christians, and the guys and the teams all know Christ and...great idea, right??

So... would you still watch the NFL?

I already know your answer, and here is why you would still watch it, regardless of whether the people on the teams are Christian or not.

NFL players have spent a lifetime on one skill. They are absolute experts in their field, having developed the precision and ability that only repeated, intense practice can bring. They are professionals, they are the BEST.

So why aren't musicians who happen to believe in Christ allowed to be that good--playing and practicing wherever and whenever possible, that when it DOES come time to play music that is specifically about God, it is GREAT music, and not lame?

I am in three bands right now, outside of leading god-songs at Radiant; the Justmann band which is a ten-piece band with a horn section, a jazz band called Uptown, and a classic rock band called Downtown; and I sing for anything else I can possibly sing for...why?  Because, when it comes time to sing music to and about God, I want to have invested my talents so thoroughly that I can create the best possible offering to my Creator.  There is no WAY I would be able to do what I do as well as I can without this experience, not that I'm so great, but I definitely would be worse without this experience.

The other thing some church people seem not to understand is that music, for myself and for Mike, is our JOB. It isn't our moonlighting, or something that we feel like doing on the weekends, or a hobby, THIS IS HOW WE FEED OUR FAMILY!  We MUST take every job we possibly can, because we have to support our family. That's how I wound up in so many bands, because we are both trying to make as much money as possible. We enjoy it, but it is WAY more work and harder than most people realize, there is picking out music, choosing keys and arrangements, rewriting, endless hours of listening (ever listen to a song over 100 times? I do when I learn new material, and by the time I play it I am usually sick to death of the recording) and endless hours of practice, rehearsals, buying equipment, hauling and setting up and tearing down said equipment, not to mention booking, marketing, advertising, websites, calendars, and getting people to show up. Don't get me wrong, once everything is set up and we have a halfway decent soundcheck, I DO love what I do. It's just that people seem to think that a secular band is some sort of hedonistic exploit, and I am letting you in on a little secret- it's a JOB just like any other, it's just a different kind of job, with different parts that are fun and different parts that are difficult. 

You see, everyone FREAKS when Mike sits down at a piano and plays. So, he learned all of those mad piano skills from a Christian teacher and Christian curriculum...right?

WRONG! He learned from the teachers that were GREAT TEACHERS. He went to a secular college for his undergrad and masters degree, and continues to use all of that phenomenal ability not only to play all over the state, but also to play at Radiant, a place that gives us great latitude as artists, with a pastor who can appreciate great art, whether it resides in secular or sacred music.

When Solomon was to build the temple, he hired the most skilled artisans-never even specifies if they believed in God, just that they were the best. All of that great craftsmanshop, regardless of who had done it, was going to be used to the glory of God, which brings me to my last point.

                               Soli Deo Gloria.

Thank God for J.S. Bach. In pictures where I am wearing sleeveless shirts, you will see a tattoo on my right shoulder that reads Soli Deo Gloria. I love it, it's latin, so NO ONE can read it. so why do I have this?  About ten years ago, when I was really struggling with...do I play secular music or not, I discovered that not only J.S. Bach, but many of his contemporaries AND many musicians throughout history, wrote and played music for the public, and for the church. J.S. Bach understood well that--no matter where or what he was playing for, and no matter who he was writing the music for, it ALL glorified God, because he was using his God-given talents as much as he could. At the end of his manuscripts, he wrote S.D.G. Soli Deo Gloria. Only to the glory of God. Likewise, whatever I do, and wherever I do it, and whatever I am playing, it is ALWAYS ultimately used for God. He gave me my voice, I will use it as much as I can-just as a surgeon will save whoever he can, no respecter of persons. I AM only to the glory of God, I love God. And there are some words and some songs you will never hear me sing, but that is out of my own personal conviction, not some rule that I believe should be blanketed over all musicians.

So there you have it and now you know why I will likely always be both a secular and sacred musician.

Any requests?

Fundamentalism…. Religion of Drama Queens

Ahh, the days of yelling preachers and melodramatic altar calls. Miss them? I don’t.  It’s hard to believe that I ever sat amongst the other fundies, hanging on every gem poured forth from the seminary-trained, righteous, godly preacher-man. There was a time that I remember feeling an impending sense of doom, no matter HOW great things were going. The world was going to hell in a handbasket, and I had better be upset to the point of weeping and gnashing of teeth.  Allow me to explain….

 I became a believer in a panic-infested Holiness denomination, complete with the threat of a simple hair trim sending you straight to hell.  There were things about my upbringing  that prepared me well for listening to a lot of yelling and angst on a Sunday morning.  Aaaaaand Sunday night.  Aaaand Wednesday night.  Aaaand anytime a revival preacher came in.  Doors open, we were there. Throughout my Christian life, I went through several churches and even more preachers that were chock full o’drama. 

Turns out, if the leadership is considered to have ‘spiritual authority’ over the peasants that attend, there is no END to the drama that can be fished up, I mean heck, I think you could take ANYONE’s life and dig up enough dirt to render them ‘ungodly’, remember ALL of us are imperfect??  And I still haven’t sorted it all out yet, but there is something about fundamentalism that makes people, well, kinda drama queens.  Every fault needs to be fixed, every stone needs to be turned over to see if there’s some secret sin festering underneath. So, instead of having a group of people who are focusing on their strengths, growing organically, and helping each other through struggles out of love for God and each other; you have endless finger-pointing and drama with a capital D. The hierarchy is set up, and the leaders can call the shots for others until they themselves get toppled in favor of a new King of the Hill.

There’s something about having strict, black-and-white rules against things that totally ramps up the drama… now you have a solid ruler to measure people by, and you just KNOW when they are screwing up!  This has the tendency to bring out the worst in people, and is one reason Jesus got on the nerves of the spiritual leaders of His time.  It is interesting to me how differently Jesus handled each situation He came across, dealing with each individual as a unique person, varying widely in how each situation was treated; a far cry from the “one size fits all” mentality so prevalent in Christian books… this worked for us, so this is the rule for all time, always and forever.  Here’s your formula, take two and call me in the morning.  

But people are all different, and situations are all different, and lumping all situations together with one answer could not be MORE unlike Jesus, who dealt with individuals VERY differently, and had the nerve to kick loving God and loving others right to the top of the “how to follow God” list, trumping all other rules and regulations in one fell swoop of passion for humanity.  I don’t recall seeing  panic as a fruit of the Spirit, but with the way some churches live, you would think that were the case. Maybe this is part of why perfect love casts out all fear, when you are constantly acting out of love while serving a God who is love, there is little to be concerned over. You are living in trust that the love of God and love for one another will draw others to God (and it does), you are trusting the Spirit to change things that others struggle with, just as we trust the Spirit to transform ourselves. The judging stops, and SO DOES THE DRAMA.

I have now been living relatively drama-free for a few years, and I love it. You know, life is hard enough without us beating each other up or trying to please God with an endless list of do’s and don’ts that He never asked for. He far prefers your heart…. and as much as I LOVE theater, as much as I LOVE acting and LOVE movies,

I don’t miss the drama at ALL.

Why I Don't Like Men, But Think Guys Are Awesome.

Yeah, I know.
I'm already in trouble from the first five words, but I'm getting used to it.

     What problem could I possibly have with men?

Well, you see, it all started when I was born the youngest of 8 in a VERY patriarchal family, in which the men totally ruled the roost. I grew up observing my harried mother waiting on my dad  hand and foot, whilst he parked his butt in the La-Z-Boy and sipped his Manhattan. (Hey, they were in back then). Now, I do understand that he was a hardworking doctor when he was at work, but the part I saw was her, the planet, orbiting him, the sun. All of her hopes and dreams revolved around taking care of him. We were also Catholic and all of the important people were men: the Pope, cardinals, bishops, priests who wouldn't dare defile themselves by taking on *gasp* a wife. I also saw some of my four older sisters experience some horrifically damaging relationships with men, and there was also a strong view of woman as sex objects by the men I knew, which was reinforced heavily by some experiences I won't go into--and by then I had seen enough that I was no longer interested in anything men had to offer. So I made a decision at an early age:

      I  NEVER want to be married. Did you catch the NEVER?

I had absolutely NO interest in waiting on a man or spending my life insulating another person from the cares of the world, or bearing the brunt of their anger or irresponsibility or just plain playing second-class citizen for the rest of my life, so I went on to pursue the study of leadership and success at the ripe old age of 12, having decided that I would be CEO of a self-built corporation (OK you can stop snickering, I can hear ya from here.). I knew I was good at leading, and just wanted them to leave me the heck alone while I went out to build a company and do things that would make a difference in the world. Along the way, I decided to pursue music as well, and was nicely on the way to my carefully-laid-out life when something happened.  I met...

                        A GUY!

      He was just a guy, hanging out after a concert, catching my sarcastic barbs and tossing them back with a good-natured underhand. What was this? He was nothing like the men I knew. He couldn't possibly be checking me out for my body, I was wearing a punk army-style trenchcoat. I could've had the four arms of Vishnu and a Yugo under there and he wouldn't have known.  He was....INTERESTING. Not full of stock lines, just, well, someone I wanted to talk to, and we would have great discussions about a plethora of topics, none of which were my chest or backside. So, we started hanging around together, and I met his college roommates, and a miracle! There were more of these... 'guys' around, and I became fast friends with his roommates too, who would ALSO have awesome intellectual and musical discussions with me that lasted into the wee hours of the morning.  They liked and respected me for me, not what I could do for them, and THIS.... this was an entirely new concept for me! You mean I can have friends....that are guys.....and they can actually just appreciate a brain and a good conversation? Awesome!

   So, over the years I have discovered that there are MEN and there are GUYS in my world.

    MEN view women as either subservient or sex objects or both, and become  frustrated with women who consider themselves equal to them in intelligence, or stature, or both. They are usually inordinately proud to be a man, and will say so at times. Sometimes they come in the form of fundamentalists who literally believe themselves superior in some way, sometimes as extreme as the group that uses corporal punishment on their wives, or polygamists, sometimes in far more deceptive or subtle ways that take a while to figure out. Some are just womanizers who have the audacity to ignore the obvious wedding ring, hoping still yet to get lucky.

GUYS view women as equals--we may have different parts, but they treat us as equally intelligent, important, and capable. Over the years, I have developed close and long lasting friendships with GUYS, and treasure the great discussions and fellowship I share with them. Every now and then I will come across someone who think it is risky behavior to be close friends with guys, and I want to make one thing clear. I have NO INTEREST in MEN, I made that clear from the beginning, that have any interest in me in that way, I consider that an insult to my intelligence and personality, and relegates me back to the kind of bimbo-sex-object status I hate so much in the first place.  How do you think female leaders such as Deborah, Hatshepsut (look it up), Catherine the Great, Joan of Arc and many, many other female leaders accomplished what they did? By only becoming friends with women? I am thinking not, I am thinking there is a place in life for the healthy platonic friendship. After 21 years of a great marriage, I believe I can speak of this with at least some authority. I love and appreciate my GUY friends, who treat me in a respectful, caring manner; they are brothers to me, walking through life as part of my support system, as I am part of theirs.  They have no need to worry either, I am interested in being friends, having great thoughtful discussion, and to cross that barrier would be an insult to them and our friendship. Does this make sense at all? So, I hate men but love guys. BTW, don't read too much into the men/guy wording, I was just having a little fun with semantics.

     Of course, the end of the story is that I DID wind up marrying that first real GUY I met after the concert, we just kept spending more and more time together, and decided somewhere along the line that we wanted to be together 24/7. End of my great life plan, anyways.  God threw the monkeywrench in my life that made me a musician instead of a CEO. I may not have the paycheck, but I have a GREAT life, an awesome marriage, and incredible kids--because Mike is a great GUY.

So anyways, here's to all you GUYS out there-- Thank you for treating me like a human being, you really are a fine example--hopefully someday the MEN will wake up and figure out how great you are.

Anyone up for a BIMBOS/LADIES blog?

Monica Barden, Version 2.0

Well, here it is.

This is a day I have waited a VERY long time for, 41 years, to be exact. Will it be perfect? No. Will it be easy? HECK no. Will I love it? Y E S!

You see, three years ago today, most of what I had done with my life vanished due to a pastor-and-elder-board move at a church I had poured my life into.  My husband's and my job was gone, many of my close friends were gone, the life I had known for 18 years straight was...GONE. I had to start over. I was a zombie for months, just void of anything within, empty. Mike and I gradually started to work, basically because we had to, doing whatever we could to get by. He developed a workshop, I went back to a hairstyling job I thought I had retired from to pursue full time ministry. We worked our freaking BUTTS off, doing whatever we could think of to keep our heads above water, but in the freedom from the previous environment, something funny happened.

We found ourselves.

After soo-oo-oo long of living out what we THOUGHT was God's will- doing what others desired with our lives, squashing talent so as to not be "prideful" or "fleshy"or "draw attention to oneself", listening to whatever the church decided was important, we were Fired. Cast out. Done. At the time, I thought our lives had ended-- but it was only the beginning. You see, we both rediscovered long-buried gifts. Mike at one point came to the conclusion that the best way for him to make money was to simply be a musician and recording engineer, and he has been successful with both. How can you be Mike Barden and NOT do fabulously well with all things music? If you know him, it's just who he is!
    Likewise for me, it took a bit longer, but at long last, I got it. I wrote down six words on a sheet of paper last week. The words were: Lead Vocalist, Performer, Leader, Writer, Thinker, Artist. This is who I am. It took three years of starting from ground zero, but SO worth it. I know who I am! I know what I am supposed to do! It is an incredible feeling, like being an eagle feeling the updraft of warm air that will effortlessly take you higher, higher yet and all you have to do is spread your wings and GLIDE...
      You see, my schedule changed this week and I am FINALLY full-time music. I had always thought that God wanted me to put all of my time and effort into the church I was at at the time, whatever was needed, that's what I was, and that's all I would ever be, and I was willing to do only that...
  It's so different now. There's more to who I am, and the scope is much larger than what I had thought when I was just a "church lady". I am in three bands, all of which have really taken off, and lead god-songs with other musicians I love in a gathering of people that are so wonderful and close, and FUN... I literally had no idea life could be like this.
    It would seem the only way I discovered myself is if everything got taken away and I had to start over....naked, stripped down, broken, undone. The only thing left was my being, and I pretty much had to just start being me again.
     So why is today such a big deal? There was a huge shift in my life this week, moving from the triage of the last three years into the regular everyday schedule that creates a life. For the first time since before the institutional church entered my life 21 years ago, EVERYTHING in my regular schedule is there by my choice, nothing short of a miracle for a person who was once fully made up of what everyone else wanted her to be! There is only the future before me, and the pain of the past is informing and creating my future before my eyes. Who knew it wouldn't come together until I was 41? And yet it is so appropriate, who can sing the blues or understand the heart of God without first understanding deep, life-altering pain? So, I can honestly say today that being fired was one of the best things that has ever happened to me..... not pleasant, but it DID break me of a lifetime of compliance-- when you do all that you possibly can to please someone and get kicked out anyways? THAT is what finally broke my dance of compliance. It's over, finally over, and. I now can fully forgive the board and pastor who hurt me so deeply. I will never think that it was right, I don't trust them, and I don't have to spend time with them or comply,  but I simply choose to let go of the past and walk into my future, knowing that it would ruin me and any good I can do in this world to drag the carcass of an old life into my new life.
     I was in the middle of working on a CD called Broken Pieces when we were fired, I am posting these songs for free download.... Broken Pieces was written three years ago, and I'm really no longer in that place--- but it's a last look back before I move forward; a window into that period of my life. I am free now, my voice is free, and I sound different now; but as I say goodbye to the past, I am putting it out there one more time. There is one song that doesn't explain itself-020408- this is the date we were fired, unbeknownst to me at the time, it is also the day that I came to life. I really hope that this inspires some of you to walk into who you are, leaving behind what others have wanted you to become, it is truly a joyous place to be, and you can do FAR more good in this world when you are exactly who you were created to be, no apologies.
    So, along with this blog, you will be seeing LOTS more music and words outta me...hey, we're all in this together and if I can help any of you get through the day and come closer to who YOU are, or grow spiritually deeper, it's all worth it.
So today starts Monica Barden 2.0

/run program/

Dancing at the Cliffside

     Have you ever seen what happens when you allow a four-year old free reign in a store? 

Unless you have one of those "compliant" children who look like you maybe should check to see if they have a pulse, in which case I hate you, but for the rest of us; yeah.  My two had the frustrating habit around this age of running gleefully in opposite directions, ready to experience all of the baubles and mysteries and breakable items on shelf after endless shelf... it was a beautiful expanse of freedom in whatever store we happened to be at; then I would eventually lasso and corral them into a cart so they could commence asking questions about why I was putting them in the section that the little diagram on the seat CLEARLY tells you is going to cause some horrific accident. Sorry, too late to call Social Services on me, they are teens now and have a new and improved version of the game "Let's Make Mom's Hair Grey". 
     Anyways, one of the things I have noticed about some churches and religious folk is this propensity for rules... don't do this, don't do that, behave, follow the cookie-cutter rules and you shall lead an "abundant" life.
  
Yeah, right.


For those of you who have tried to live with this "come-to-church-let-us-fix-you" mentality, you know how difficult it is to feel that you are never good enough, no matter how you try, it is incredibly difficult-not to mention depressing- to live this way, but THAT is for another blog, on another snowy day when my toes are too numb to do anything else (Yes, I am inside. But it's Wisconsin in January, I'm pretty much up a creek. A frozen one. With skaters, how pretty. OH NO I'M HALLUCINATING IT MUST BE HYPOTHERMIA!)  Today, I am considering those who escape all of the rules and regulations, how they run freely- wind in the hair flying freely behind them, sun on their backs, stopping only to smell what sweet things they may choose, and dancing, DANCING on the forbidden cliffside, not caring any longer about the glaring tsk-tsks of their critics.  I am talking about how I have felt, and maybe some of you have, since leaving behind the oppressive belief system that says that there is a pastor or a church board that should order my life and personality; that keeps tabs on me and when they think I may be out of line, etcetera...
     I suppose in my case it was partly my fault; being the youngest of eight in a Polish-Catholic patriarchal family, I LIVED to try to make my dad proud of me---which only later translated into making a pastor proud of me, and and elder board.... but even THAT is not my point.
 
      I am thinking more of the "city dog" versus the "country dog" that Darin Hufford talked about the last time he spoke here; the illustration is something that has really stuck with me. We had a city dog when we were growing up, he got out every chance he could, and he would tear around like a freak on acid until we would go through a pack of hot dogs bribing him back in the car.  The country dogs? The ones that go outside whenever they like? They just hang out on the porch, they love their family, and know where home is.  It is a beautiful picture of the contrast between someone made to follow a religious system, versus someone who is free in Christ.
....which brings me to my question, and FINALLY the point (See, I did get there!)...


What does a city dog look like when it is making the transition to living a free life in the country?


You see, this has been my journey since Feb of 2008, and I have some observations. First, if YOU are the one has finally found freedom, and are dancing on the cliffside you were always warned about simply because now you can, expect some criticism, and let some of it inform you who REALLY loves you. Consider this a great time to establish new (genuine) friendships with people who love you and accept you for who YOU are, and clean out those who don't (If you have lived in a cookie-cutter system of any sort, even if it was just a clique, you NEED to get away from people who keep trying to "fix" you. You are worth more than that!).  Understand, also, that this is a phase in life--don't get too down on yourself if you go on a bender or do some things that you don't normally do, this is the human version of Fido tearing up the back 40 only to find out that maybe he doesn't enjoy being sprayed by a skunk after all.  You see, my experience over the last three years (which may be different from yours, I was rejected from the institution which I would think would change a few things) went from shock, to zombie-like numbness that lasted a few months, to at times suicidal depression, to anger, and even a struggle as to whether I should pitch it all and go athiest....but then something funny along the way happened and I realized I was finally free, the LEASH WAS GONE... so I continued on to experiment in this newfound freedom... started another band, found amazing new friends and realized that some of my old and dear friends were gonna love me no matter what and got even closer to them, had some really good times, and a funny thing happened.  I realized that I still REALLY love God with all of my being, just like I always did.  I will admit something that I have NOT told anyone except Mike before. You see, I was EXTREMELY mad at God when this all happened, and I shelved my bible.

For over two years.

...previously having been one of those read-through-several-times-obsessed-over, have-many-dog-eared-highlighted-copies-of-many-versions-people...Now, before you judge me too harshly, realize that people had used those very words of scripture against me in some of my previous experiences, words meant to edify twisted instead to annihilate the ministry I had built. 
   The thing is, now I am settling into being a country dog--- I once again, like Mary, sit at the feet of a Jesus who I discovered through all of my dancing at the cliffside over the last few years is WAY more loving and kind and accepting than I ever could have dreamed.  My relationship with my Creator is renewed, the floodgates of the music that was always in me have been blown open, I own my life now and don't allow in people bent on changing the essence of who God has made me. This brings me to my second point.  If you know someone who is just starting to discover freedom in Christ, PLEASE don't judge them too quickly; they, like me, are likely just running free and wild, barefoot and dancing by the cliffside they were told never to go near.  They'll likely be back, just as I am. They need to find themselves, and may offend you in some of their new freedom, but you probably offend them in some way too. We all need to be different, and all of our living our personal lives in the Spirit is going to look somewhat different, wouldn't it be amazing if we could ask questions, and investigate, and learn from our differences instead of snubbing one another and looking down the long nose of judgement at someone who may be enjoying freedom for the first time and hasn't quite established where their porch-home even is yet? 

Sometimes the best thing to do with someone who is dancing on the cliffside is to dance with them, so they're NOT alone and have someone to help them find home. I will name some people when I post this, who helped me come into my own, without judgement, rules or condemnation.  IT CAN BE DONE.

And if YOU are dancing on the cliffside, not quite sure of anything anymore, I am here and willing to dance with you....and hopefully, help you find your way home as well.

Happy dancing!

Monica's Thoughts About 2011...or...Fires Don't Strike Twice in the Same Place, Do They?

Well.
Here I am getting all prepped for my night of blowing the rest of this year hanging with some really great friends...so I thought I would try to construct my thoughts about the transition into 2011 into something reasonable and cohesive. That having totally failed, I wrap up this year with eleven random thoughts...are they resolutions? Not really sure, more like a bizarre list of things I hope to do along with other thoughts about life, the universe and everything....the usual. So here you go:

Monica's Deep and Strange Thoughts About 2011 Countdown

11-Can someone PLEASE silence Miley Cyrus for me? Or at least give her some clothing larger than a washcloth?

10-I am a worship leader, jazz singer, songwriter, blues singer, average guitar player, writer, artist, rock singer, voice, piano and guitar teacher, and speaker. I AM having trouble deciding which one to focus on, if you know me and wouldn't mind; it would be VERY helpful if you could give me any input as to which I am great at, and which shouldn't be a priority, and which I stink to high heaven to the point where everyone around me wishes I would quit but no one will tell me, like a slowly decaying piece of spinach in my front teeth. You can FB message me. Thanks in advance.

9-About 60% of 2010 was sucked up by dealing with a major house fire, GREAT THANKS to all of you who helped us through that, I will NOT be scheduling one for 2011.

6- I AM supposed to be getting ready for a party right now, did I mention that?

7-I could really use a year WITHOUT a major catastrophe that requires us to work around the clock like we've been doing for a few years...I was diagnosed with exhaustion a year ago and due to circumstances still have not been able to do anything about it, except dump major amounts of caffeine into a bottomless pit- but 2011 looks good, SO FAR.......*hears fate snicker*

8-I feel more like myself than I have in years, and want to expand that in the new year. Being yourself is SO underrated and I will likely write an entire blog, if not a book, about why it is so important to own who you are. Yes, I am crazy, loud, acerbic, ADHD and obnoxious, and I am absolutely committed to expanding and honing these talents in the new year.

5-Seriously, I want to buy in my local community as much as possible, and avoid buying anything made in China as much as possible. In the tiny one-horse town I live in, (Waupaca, freezing-freaking cold WI) there are many wonderful people trying to make a living in a far more decent manner than so many of the suits sitting around corporate tables deciding what we 'need'. As far as China, we are just shooting ourselves in the foot, people. NO DOLLAR STORES. *rousing cheer from Mike*

4- This year I want to learn blues guitar and practice much more in ALL of my musical disciplines, and compose regularly. Starting in February, most of my week will be music work, can't wait!

3-I am STILL controller free. Well worth the steep extermination fee.

2-I am considering changing my first name to Monikka-simply because monikka.com is not taken already (DON'T YOU DARE GRAB IT BEFORE I DO!)

And Finally....
1-Feb 4, 2011 marks the third-year anniversary of us being dumped from the church that we had poured our energy, love, time, and resources into for ten years. It has been a hellish three years rebuilding our lives from ground zero--- at times having to work hard while biting back tears, and attempting to keep my head when personally faced with people I know to be complete back stabbers---but WE ARE STILL HERE. There is an old leadership adage stating that after three years, whatever problems you have in your organization or group - are YOUR creation and can no longer be blamed on the previous person.  This makes me happy on two fronts in 2011- one: the previous leadership we were under blamed us for all sorts of things, and though we can't control them blaming us, after three years that argument gets a bit silly; and two: we have built a LOT in three years. Mike has built a thriving recording studio, with a backload of VERY happy clients, he is playing all over the place and is absolutely skyrocketing in his talents now that the restraints of the old church are gone; I am now in three bands which I thoroughly enjoy, and just had my favorite Christmas Eve service EVER leading people that I genuinely love and care about and have a great relationship with.... my friends have become much closer, and I REALLY treasure the environment I am in right now. Honestly, as long as I can focus on the good (which as you know can be very hard, especially when I see people or hear about things going on in that other world I used to live in) but I Still. Press. Forward. Knowing my calling.

BELIEVING long after I thought I wouldn't.

So, grab your noisemakers my friend, and celebrate a new, free life with me.
You in?