Well, here it is.
This is a day I have waited a VERY long time for, 41 years, to be exact. Will it be perfect? No. Will it be easy? HECK no. Will I love it? Y E S!
You see, three years ago today, most of what I had done with my life vanished due to a pastor-and-elder-board move at a church I had poured my life into. My husband's and my job was gone, many of my close friends were gone, the life I had known for 18 years straight was...GONE. I had to start over. I was a zombie for months, just void of anything within, empty. Mike and I gradually started to work, basically because we had to, doing whatever we could to get by. He developed a workshop, I went back to a hairstyling job I thought I had retired from to pursue full time ministry. We worked our freaking BUTTS off, doing whatever we could think of to keep our heads above water, but in the freedom from the previous environment, something funny happened.
We found ourselves.
After soo-oo-oo long of living out what we THOUGHT was God's will- doing what others desired with our lives, squashing talent so as to not be "prideful" or "fleshy"or "draw attention to oneself", listening to whatever the church decided was important, we were Fired. Cast out. Done. At the time, I thought our lives had ended-- but it was only the beginning. You see, we both rediscovered long-buried gifts. Mike at one point came to the conclusion that the best way for him to make money was to simply be a musician and recording engineer, and he has been successful with both. How can you be Mike Barden and NOT do fabulously well with all things music? If you know him, it's just who he is!
Likewise for me, it took a bit longer, but at long last, I got it. I wrote down six words on a sheet of paper last week. The words were: Lead Vocalist, Performer, Leader, Writer, Thinker, Artist. This is who I am. It took three years of starting from ground zero, but SO worth it. I know who I am! I know what I am supposed to do! It is an incredible feeling, like being an eagle feeling the updraft of warm air that will effortlessly take you higher, higher yet and all you have to do is spread your wings and GLIDE...
You see, my schedule changed this week and I am FINALLY full-time music. I had always thought that God wanted me to put all of my time and effort into the church I was at at the time, whatever was needed, that's what I was, and that's all I would ever be, and I was willing to do only that...
It's so different now. There's more to who I am, and the scope is much larger than what I had thought when I was just a "church lady". I am in three bands, all of which have really taken off, and lead god-songs with other musicians I love in a gathering of people that are so wonderful and close, and FUN... I literally had no idea life could be like this.
It would seem the only way I discovered myself is if everything got taken away and I had to start over....naked, stripped down, broken, undone. The only thing left was my being, and I pretty much had to just start being me again.
So why is today such a big deal? There was a huge shift in my life this week, moving from the triage of the last three years into the regular everyday schedule that creates a life. For the first time since before the institutional church entered my life 21 years ago, EVERYTHING in my regular schedule is there by my choice, nothing short of a miracle for a person who was once fully made up of what everyone else wanted her to be! There is only the future before me, and the pain of the past is informing and creating my future before my eyes. Who knew it wouldn't come together until I was 41? And yet it is so appropriate, who can sing the blues or understand the heart of God without first understanding deep, life-altering pain? So, I can honestly say today that being fired was one of the best things that has ever happened to me..... not pleasant, but it DID break me of a lifetime of compliance-- when you do all that you possibly can to please someone and get kicked out anyways? THAT is what finally broke my dance of compliance. It's over, finally over, and. I now can fully forgive the board and pastor who hurt me so deeply. I will never think that it was right, I don't trust them, and I don't have to spend time with them or comply, but I simply choose to let go of the past and walk into my future, knowing that it would ruin me and any good I can do in this world to drag the carcass of an old life into my new life.
I was in the middle of working on a CD called Broken Pieces when we were fired, I am posting these songs for free download.... Broken Pieces was written three years ago, and I'm really no longer in that place--- but it's a last look back before I move forward; a window into that period of my life. I am free now, my voice is free, and I sound different now; but as I say goodbye to the past, I am putting it out there one more time. There is one song that doesn't explain itself-020408- this is the date we were fired, unbeknownst to me at the time, it is also the day that I came to life. I really hope that this inspires some of you to walk into who you are, leaving behind what others have wanted you to become, it is truly a joyous place to be, and you can do FAR more good in this world when you are exactly who you were created to be, no apologies.
So, along with this blog, you will be seeing LOTS more music and words outta me...hey, we're all in this together and if I can help any of you get through the day and come closer to who YOU are, or grow spiritually deeper, it's all worth it.
So today starts Monica Barden 2.0
/run program/
Friday, February 4, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Dancing at the Cliffside
Unless you have one of those "compliant" children who look like you maybe should check to see if they have a pulse, in which case I hate you, but for the rest of us; yeah. My two had the frustrating habit around this age of running gleefully in opposite directions, ready to experience all of the baubles and mysteries and breakable items on shelf after endless shelf... it was a beautiful expanse of freedom in whatever store we happened to be at; then I would eventually lasso and corral them into a cart so they could commence asking questions about why I was putting them in the section that the little diagram on the seat CLEARLY tells you is going to cause some horrific accident. Sorry, too late to call Social Services on me, they are teens now and have a new and improved version of the game "Let's Make Mom's Hair Grey".
Anyways, one of the things I have noticed about some churches and religious folk is this propensity for rules... don't do this, don't do that, behave, follow the cookie-cutter rules and you shall lead an "abundant" life.
Yeah, right.
For those of you who have tried to live with this "come-to-church-let-us-fix-you" mentality, you know how difficult it is to feel that you are never good enough, no matter how you try, it is incredibly difficult-not to mention depressing- to live this way, but THAT is for another blog, on another snowy day when my toes are too numb to do anything else (Yes, I am inside. But it's Wisconsin in January, I'm pretty much up a creek. A frozen one. With skaters, how pretty. OH NO I'M HALLUCINATING IT MUST BE HYPOTHERMIA!) Today, I am considering those who escape all of the rules and regulations, how they run freely- wind in the hair flying freely behind them, sun on their backs, stopping only to smell what sweet things they may choose, and dancing, DANCING on the forbidden cliffside, not caring any longer about the glaring tsk-tsks of their critics. I am talking about how I have felt, and maybe some of you have, since leaving behind the oppressive belief system that says that there is a pastor or a church board that should order my life and personality; that keeps tabs on me and when they think I may be out of line, etcetera...
I suppose in my case it was partly my fault; being the youngest of eight in a Polish-Catholic patriarchal family, I LIVED to try to make my dad proud of me---which only later translated into making a pastor proud of me, and and elder board.... but even THAT is not my point.
I am thinking more of the "city dog" versus the "country dog" that Darin Hufford talked about the last time he spoke here; the illustration is something that has really stuck with me. We had a city dog when we were growing up, he got out every chance he could, and he would tear around like a freak on acid until we would go through a pack of hot dogs bribing him back in the car. The country dogs? The ones that go outside whenever they like? They just hang out on the porch, they love their family, and know where home is. It is a beautiful picture of the contrast between someone made to follow a religious system, versus someone who is free in Christ.
....which brings me to my question, and FINALLY the point (See, I did get there!)...
What does a city dog look like when it is making the transition to living a free life in the country?
You see, this has been my journey since Feb of 2008, and I have some observations. First, if YOU are the one has finally found freedom, and are dancing on the cliffside you were always warned about simply because now you can, expect some criticism, and let some of it inform you who REALLY loves you. Consider this a great time to establish new (genuine) friendships with people who love you and accept you for who YOU are, and clean out those who don't (If you have lived in a cookie-cutter system of any sort, even if it was just a clique, you NEED to get away from people who keep trying to "fix" you. You are worth more than that!). Understand, also, that this is a phase in life--don't get too down on yourself if you go on a bender or do some things that you don't normally do, this is the human version of Fido tearing up the back 40 only to find out that maybe he doesn't enjoy being sprayed by a skunk after all. You see, my experience over the last three years (which may be different from yours, I was rejected from the institution which I would think would change a few things) went from shock, to zombie-like numbness that lasted a few months, to at times suicidal depression, to anger, and even a struggle as to whether I should pitch it all and go athiest....but then something funny along the way happened and I realized I was finally free, the LEASH WAS GONE... so I continued on to experiment in this newfound freedom... started another band, found amazing new friends and realized that some of my old and dear friends were gonna love me no matter what and got even closer to them, had some really good times, and a funny thing happened. I realized that I still REALLY love God with all of my being, just like I always did. I will admit something that I have NOT told anyone except Mike before. You see, I was EXTREMELY mad at God when this all happened, and I shelved my bible.
For over two years.
...previously having been one of those read-through-several-times-obsessed-over, have-many-dog-eared-highlighted-copies-of-many-versions-people...Now, before you judge me too harshly, realize that people had used those very words of scripture against me in some of my previous experiences, words meant to edify twisted instead to annihilate the ministry I had built.
The thing is, now I am settling into being a country dog--- I once again, like Mary, sit at the feet of a Jesus who I discovered through all of my dancing at the cliffside over the last few years is WAY more loving and kind and accepting than I ever could have dreamed. My relationship with my Creator is renewed, the floodgates of the music that was always in me have been blown open, I own my life now and don't allow in people bent on changing the essence of who God has made me. This brings me to my second point. If you know someone who is just starting to discover freedom in Christ, PLEASE don't judge them too quickly; they, like me, are likely just running free and wild, barefoot and dancing by the cliffside they were told never to go near. They'll likely be back, just as I am. They need to find themselves, and may offend you in some of their new freedom, but you probably offend them in some way too. We all need to be different, and all of our living our personal lives in the Spirit is going to look somewhat different, wouldn't it be amazing if we could ask questions, and investigate, and learn from our differences instead of snubbing one another and looking down the long nose of judgement at someone who may be enjoying freedom for the first time and hasn't quite established where their porch-home even is yet?
Sometimes the best thing to do with someone who is dancing on the cliffside is to dance with them, so they're NOT alone and have someone to help them find home. I will name some people when I post this, who helped me come into my own, without judgement, rules or condemnation. IT CAN BE DONE.
And if YOU are dancing on the cliffside, not quite sure of anything anymore, I am here and willing to dance with you....and hopefully, help you find your way home as well.
Happy dancing!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monica's Thoughts About 2011...or...Fires Don't Strike Twice in the Same Place, Do They?
Well.
Here I am getting all prepped for my night of blowing the rest of this year hanging with some really great friends...so I thought I would try to construct my thoughts about the transition into 2011 into something reasonable and cohesive. That having totally failed, I wrap up this year with eleven random thoughts...are they resolutions? Not really sure, more like a bizarre list of things I hope to do along with other thoughts about life, the universe and everything....the usual. So here you go:
Monica's Deep and Strange Thoughts About 2011 Countdown
11-Can someone PLEASE silence Miley Cyrus for me? Or at least give her some clothing larger than a washcloth?
10-I am a worship leader, jazz singer, songwriter, blues singer, average guitar player, writer, artist, rock singer, voice, piano and guitar teacher, and speaker. I AM having trouble deciding which one to focus on, if you know me and wouldn't mind; it would be VERY helpful if you could give me any input as to which I am great at, and which shouldn't be a priority, and which I stink to high heaven to the point where everyone around me wishes I would quit but no one will tell me, like a slowly decaying piece of spinach in my front teeth. You can FB message me. Thanks in advance.
9-About 60% of 2010 was sucked up by dealing with a major house fire, GREAT THANKS to all of you who helped us through that, I will NOT be scheduling one for 2011.
6- I AM supposed to be getting ready for a party right now, did I mention that?
7-I could really use a year WITHOUT a major catastrophe that requires us to work around the clock like we've been doing for a few years...I was diagnosed with exhaustion a year ago and due to circumstances still have not been able to do anything about it, except dump major amounts of caffeine into a bottomless pit- but 2011 looks good, SO FAR.......*hears fate snicker*
8-I feel more like myself than I have in years, and want to expand that in the new year. Being yourself is SO underrated and I will likely write an entire blog, if not a book, about why it is so important to own who you are. Yes, I am crazy, loud, acerbic, ADHD and obnoxious, and I am absolutely committed to expanding and honing these talents in the new year.
5-Seriously, I want to buy in my local community as much as possible, and avoid buying anything made in China as much as possible. In the tiny one-horse town I live in, (Waupaca, freezing-freaking cold WI) there are many wonderful people trying to make a living in a far more decent manner than so many of the suits sitting around corporate tables deciding what we 'need'. As far as China, we are just shooting ourselves in the foot, people. NO DOLLAR STORES. *rousing cheer from Mike*
4- This year I want to learn blues guitar and practice much more in ALL of my musical disciplines, and compose regularly. Starting in February, most of my week will be music work, can't wait!
3-I am STILL controller free. Well worth the steep extermination fee.
2-I am considering changing my first name to Monikka-simply because monikka.com is not taken already (DON'T YOU DARE GRAB IT BEFORE I DO!)
And Finally....
1-Feb 4, 2011 marks the third-year anniversary of us being dumped from the church that we had poured our energy, love, time, and resources into for ten years. It has been a hellish three years rebuilding our lives from ground zero--- at times having to work hard while biting back tears, and attempting to keep my head when personally faced with people I know to be complete back stabbers---but WE ARE STILL HERE. There is an old leadership adage stating that after three years, whatever problems you have in your organization or group - are YOUR creation and can no longer be blamed on the previous person. This makes me happy on two fronts in 2011- one: the previous leadership we were under blamed us for all sorts of things, and though we can't control them blaming us, after three years that argument gets a bit silly; and two: we have built a LOT in three years. Mike has built a thriving recording studio, with a backload of VERY happy clients, he is playing all over the place and is absolutely skyrocketing in his talents now that the restraints of the old church are gone; I am now in three bands which I thoroughly enjoy, and just had my favorite Christmas Eve service EVER leading people that I genuinely love and care about and have a great relationship with.... my friends have become much closer, and I REALLY treasure the environment I am in right now. Honestly, as long as I can focus on the good (which as you know can be very hard, especially when I see people or hear about things going on in that other world I used to live in) but I Still. Press. Forward. Knowing my calling.
BELIEVING long after I thought I wouldn't.
So, grab your noisemakers my friend, and celebrate a new, free life with me.
You in?
Saturday, October 30, 2010
When the church becomes your "ex"
A week ago I was down.
REALLY down.
I mean devastatingly, how-will-I-make-it-through-the day, eyeing up the prescription meds and sharp knives depressed. But why?
In order to continue, you probably need to know that I and my husband poured ten of the best years of our lives into building a ministry at a local church only to have a new pastor come in and fire us. We lost our support group and everything we had built for ten years on a Monday morning almost three years ago. My husband was the pastor of worship as well as one of the elders, and preached there on a regular basis, I was a close to full time volunteer worship leader/arts director/programming person/whatever-other-crisis-comes-up person, This church was our life, we thought we would be there forever. But this blog is NOT about that church. This is about how to survive when you either need to leave, or get kicked out of, an entity that has become your main support system.
For those who think I am overdramatizing, it is clear you have NOT been through this, so move along to some cute blog about making pumpkin soup out of used Jack-O-Lanterns. For those of you who know EXACTLY the kind of loss I am talking about, and have been rejected to the point where you're looking for high bridges to jump from, press on; I have walked through this valley and think I may have hit upon something helpful....
Have any of you ever made the connection between the loss of a church family and a divorce? As I walked through the valley of the shadow of an elder board I could not please, I conversed with close friends who stuck with me.
Friends who have been divorced.
And I discovered that; though few could relate to what was killing me inside, my divorced friends seemed to know EXACTLY what I was going through! They had been through the unbelievable rejection, the loss of a major part of their lives and the daily habits familiar to them, having to rebuild their lives, the discomfort level when you have to be in the "ex's" house or deal with relatives who think your "ex" is the best thing since sliced bread, not wanting to even drive by their house, the obnoxiously lengthy recovery time; SO MANY things were parallel.....that when I found myself face to the ground feeling utterly useless and rejected once again because of an encounter that evoked a flood of memories last week, I tried searching for divorce help. I found an article that helped me pull out of the latest round of depression over the loss of such a large part of my life, and would like to share it with you. If you have the tenacity to still be reading this, here it is:
MONICA'S TEN POINT SURVIVAL GUIDE TO YOUR CHURCH DIVORCE
* I will put the original info from www.thedailymind.com in quotations. And they will look like this.
Whether you left a church, were forced out, or just came home one day to find all of your stuff sitting on the curb and the door locked, here is my adaptation of ten tips that were originally written for the breakup of a marriage....
1. "See your ex as little as possible."
This was one I wish I would have learned sooner. I had some really close friends that are still at the former church; as well as a few I was VERY close to who are very much in the inner circle of that church-still. I tried to maintain those relationships at first, but it was just too painful to hear about all of the "great" things that were going on in a leadership that had soundly rejected me. I had to stop spending time with ALL of these people, not easy when that was a church of 350 and I live in a town of 5000, but I did succeed in developing an entirely new support group. "Every time you see your ex you get a flood of emotions.You might realize you still love them.....or see how happy they are and feel angry and hurt. You don't need that at this time. You need to get over it and to get over it you need a clear head." So true. I avoid contact whenever possible, it just throws me into a 'what if' spiral. "Many people try to be friends with their ex because they do not want to admit that it is over. It is hard to be friends when you are grieving over a lost marriage. Don't do it while you are hurting." um, yeah. In the church world, this can seem insensitive, but you are on your own; they still have an entire church body to lean on. Don't sacrifice your sanity out of feeling sorry for them. They are choosing to stay there.
2. "Remind yourself constantly of the positives"
You know, it's funny. The "old" place haunts my life, and yet if I visited there now and didn't know anybody there? I would be totally uninterested in that church. When you are free from a church you may have been overinvolved with, you get your life back. There are SO many positives for me-- I went from a place with rather conservative views about women and a hierarchical view of the pastors and elders to an egalitarian church where I can be ordained, if I so desire. My husband, formerly under the thumb of said leadership, is enjoying his life as a recording engineer/professional world-class musician IMMENSELY. There is always something you can find that is positive about your "out", even if it's just not being around people who didn't want you anyways.
3."Reconnect with your passions"
Umm yeah, we're both doing what we WANT now instead of what someone else thinks we should do.
4. "Forget about getting back together"
"Don't hold on to some hope that you will get back together because that hope prevents you from finding your own individual happiness and moving on with your life." ummm yeah. The old place was such a big part of my life that it was incredibly hard to let go of some possibility of us going back- a new pastor, a change of heart in the leadership, whatever; it took a LONG time for me to realize that it really was OVER. I had to eventually write the old place off entirely and rebuild my life elsewhere. Tough, but necessary.
5. "Remember you are not the only one"
THANK YOU Free Believers, Bob Adams, Darin Hufford, Ted Haggard, Tamara, Kerry, That's Not My God, and too many others to list; many of whom I know only through Facebook. You have helped me more than you know. Yes, most definitely find others who have walked this uniquely dark path; the good news is they are becoming much easier to find as more people than ever before are becoming disillusioned with the institutional church.
6. "Reconnect with family and friends"
Suffice it to say that once I was out, I started meeting all of these people I didn't even realize existed in our small community....I had been too much in the 'bubble' to realize they were there. Much more time for family, too. My relationships are WAY more solid now that they are not based out of an institution, and I am way more involved with my community.
7. "Realize that you are allowed to be sad"
If you have "Christian" friends who tell you you should 'get over it' or that you are bitter, get rid of them. NOW. You need friends who will love you in the hard times. The institutional church trains hurt people to remain silent by labeling those who say they were hurt as "bitter" or "rebellious". Don't fear the label, that's all it is, a cheap label to make them feel better. "You have just gone through what is known to be one of the four hardest things a human being can go through. You have gotten a divorce." Don't punish yourself for having emotions about this; the divorced people I know said it took them 3-5 years to start feeling happy again. Give yourself time, space, and people who will listen with an empathetic ear.
8. "Think about impermanence"
"At the moment you are probably feeling like this depression is never going to go away. But it will. All thoughts are impermanent." Let time do its healing work. Every month gets better for me....if today sucks, just hold on for one more day....you never know when things may turn a corner.
9. "Tell Tom Cruise to get *#$*ed!"
"We have all seen Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire utter the famous line 'You complete me'. In my opinion, that one line in that one movie has done more to damage healthy relationships..." Okay. THIS one is the underpinning concept of a book I am working on that will likely be called something like 'Codependent on the Church'.... You see, I would NEVER have gotten hurt so badly if we had left at the first big red flag, which happened a mere SIX MONTHS into our attendance at this place...ten years later these exact same issues were still there. However, my husband and I are both compliants, and tolerated, and tolerated, and tolerated, and ran interference, and excused, and enabled.... I in particular had a background of abuse, and felt like the church completed me. The church became WAYYY more in my life than it ever should have been. The feelings of 'this is my life' are lies. No one and nothing completes you. YOU are YOU and you own your own life, a gift from God. Owning my own life was one of the best gifts I received as a result of getting out of this place.
10. "Don't sit around and watch your life fly away"
You have a limited amount of time in this world, time to forget the 'ex' and launch into what you are, who you are, what you want to do! Go forth and make that amazing impact in this world that only YOU can make!
I will add myself
11. Create new habits.
A part of what is so difficult for me at times is that I can remember so clearly.... my friends on the team sitting in the blue chairs, seeing the people I knew so well from the platform, struggling with the things they had to walk through (I genuinely loved these people), getting up at 4:45 every Sunday morning (um never mind don't miss that), rehearsal times, ALL of these are things of habit that need to be replaced with new habits... volunteer, join a band, do SOMETHING that will establish new habits that will replace the old ones. As humans, we are creatures of habit and maintaining habits will at the very least help with your sense of security in a time of turmoil.
So. There it is. I apologize to those of you who have gone through horrifying divorces that may dwarf what I am going through---but divorce is the closest I have been able to come to how I feel about my last church experience. I hope this helps you in some way, PLEASE message if I can be of any assistance in YOUR church divorce, I am here to help.
You will be ok. I made it, you can too.
REALLY down.
I mean devastatingly, how-will-I-make-it-through-the day, eyeing up the prescription meds and sharp knives depressed. But why?
In order to continue, you probably need to know that I and my husband poured ten of the best years of our lives into building a ministry at a local church only to have a new pastor come in and fire us. We lost our support group and everything we had built for ten years on a Monday morning almost three years ago. My husband was the pastor of worship as well as one of the elders, and preached there on a regular basis, I was a close to full time volunteer worship leader/arts director/programming person/whatever-other-crisis-comes-up person, This church was our life, we thought we would be there forever. But this blog is NOT about that church. This is about how to survive when you either need to leave, or get kicked out of, an entity that has become your main support system.
For those who think I am overdramatizing, it is clear you have NOT been through this, so move along to some cute blog about making pumpkin soup out of used Jack-O-Lanterns. For those of you who know EXACTLY the kind of loss I am talking about, and have been rejected to the point where you're looking for high bridges to jump from, press on; I have walked through this valley and think I may have hit upon something helpful....
Have any of you ever made the connection between the loss of a church family and a divorce? As I walked through the valley of the shadow of an elder board I could not please, I conversed with close friends who stuck with me.
Friends who have been divorced.
And I discovered that; though few could relate to what was killing me inside, my divorced friends seemed to know EXACTLY what I was going through! They had been through the unbelievable rejection, the loss of a major part of their lives and the daily habits familiar to them, having to rebuild their lives, the discomfort level when you have to be in the "ex's" house or deal with relatives who think your "ex" is the best thing since sliced bread, not wanting to even drive by their house, the obnoxiously lengthy recovery time; SO MANY things were parallel.....that when I found myself face to the ground feeling utterly useless and rejected once again because of an encounter that evoked a flood of memories last week, I tried searching for divorce help. I found an article that helped me pull out of the latest round of depression over the loss of such a large part of my life, and would like to share it with you. If you have the tenacity to still be reading this, here it is:
MONICA'S TEN POINT SURVIVAL GUIDE TO YOUR CHURCH DIVORCE
* I will put the original info from www.thedailymind.com in quotations. And they will look like this.
Whether you left a church, were forced out, or just came home one day to find all of your stuff sitting on the curb and the door locked, here is my adaptation of ten tips that were originally written for the breakup of a marriage....
1. "See your ex as little as possible."
This was one I wish I would have learned sooner. I had some really close friends that are still at the former church; as well as a few I was VERY close to who are very much in the inner circle of that church-still. I tried to maintain those relationships at first, but it was just too painful to hear about all of the "great" things that were going on in a leadership that had soundly rejected me. I had to stop spending time with ALL of these people, not easy when that was a church of 350 and I live in a town of 5000, but I did succeed in developing an entirely new support group. "Every time you see your ex you get a flood of emotions.You might realize you still love them.....or see how happy they are and feel angry and hurt. You don't need that at this time. You need to get over it and to get over it you need a clear head." So true. I avoid contact whenever possible, it just throws me into a 'what if' spiral. "Many people try to be friends with their ex because they do not want to admit that it is over. It is hard to be friends when you are grieving over a lost marriage. Don't do it while you are hurting." um, yeah. In the church world, this can seem insensitive, but you are on your own; they still have an entire church body to lean on. Don't sacrifice your sanity out of feeling sorry for them. They are choosing to stay there.
2. "Remind yourself constantly of the positives"
You know, it's funny. The "old" place haunts my life, and yet if I visited there now and didn't know anybody there? I would be totally uninterested in that church. When you are free from a church you may have been overinvolved with, you get your life back. There are SO many positives for me-- I went from a place with rather conservative views about women and a hierarchical view of the pastors and elders to an egalitarian church where I can be ordained, if I so desire. My husband, formerly under the thumb of said leadership, is enjoying his life as a recording engineer/professional world-class musician IMMENSELY. There is always something you can find that is positive about your "out", even if it's just not being around people who didn't want you anyways.
3."Reconnect with your passions"
Umm yeah, we're both doing what we WANT now instead of what someone else thinks we should do.
4. "Forget about getting back together"
"Don't hold on to some hope that you will get back together because that hope prevents you from finding your own individual happiness and moving on with your life." ummm yeah. The old place was such a big part of my life that it was incredibly hard to let go of some possibility of us going back- a new pastor, a change of heart in the leadership, whatever; it took a LONG time for me to realize that it really was OVER. I had to eventually write the old place off entirely and rebuild my life elsewhere. Tough, but necessary.
5. "Remember you are not the only one"
THANK YOU Free Believers, Bob Adams, Darin Hufford, Ted Haggard, Tamara, Kerry, That's Not My God, and too many others to list; many of whom I know only through Facebook. You have helped me more than you know. Yes, most definitely find others who have walked this uniquely dark path; the good news is they are becoming much easier to find as more people than ever before are becoming disillusioned with the institutional church.
6. "Reconnect with family and friends"
Suffice it to say that once I was out, I started meeting all of these people I didn't even realize existed in our small community....I had been too much in the 'bubble' to realize they were there. Much more time for family, too. My relationships are WAY more solid now that they are not based out of an institution, and I am way more involved with my community.
7. "Realize that you are allowed to be sad"
If you have "Christian" friends who tell you you should 'get over it' or that you are bitter, get rid of them. NOW. You need friends who will love you in the hard times. The institutional church trains hurt people to remain silent by labeling those who say they were hurt as "bitter" or "rebellious". Don't fear the label, that's all it is, a cheap label to make them feel better. "You have just gone through what is known to be one of the four hardest things a human being can go through. You have gotten a divorce." Don't punish yourself for having emotions about this; the divorced people I know said it took them 3-5 years to start feeling happy again. Give yourself time, space, and people who will listen with an empathetic ear.
8. "Think about impermanence"
"At the moment you are probably feeling like this depression is never going to go away. But it will. All thoughts are impermanent." Let time do its healing work. Every month gets better for me....if today sucks, just hold on for one more day....you never know when things may turn a corner.
9. "Tell Tom Cruise to get *#$*ed!"
"We have all seen Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire utter the famous line 'You complete me'. In my opinion, that one line in that one movie has done more to damage healthy relationships..." Okay. THIS one is the underpinning concept of a book I am working on that will likely be called something like 'Codependent on the Church'.... You see, I would NEVER have gotten hurt so badly if we had left at the first big red flag, which happened a mere SIX MONTHS into our attendance at this place...ten years later these exact same issues were still there. However, my husband and I are both compliants, and tolerated, and tolerated, and tolerated, and ran interference, and excused, and enabled.... I in particular had a background of abuse, and felt like the church completed me. The church became WAYYY more in my life than it ever should have been. The feelings of 'this is my life' are lies. No one and nothing completes you. YOU are YOU and you own your own life, a gift from God. Owning my own life was one of the best gifts I received as a result of getting out of this place.
10. "Don't sit around and watch your life fly away"
You have a limited amount of time in this world, time to forget the 'ex' and launch into what you are, who you are, what you want to do! Go forth and make that amazing impact in this world that only YOU can make!
I will add myself
11. Create new habits.
A part of what is so difficult for me at times is that I can remember so clearly.... my friends on the team sitting in the blue chairs, seeing the people I knew so well from the platform, struggling with the things they had to walk through (I genuinely loved these people), getting up at 4:45 every Sunday morning (um never mind don't miss that), rehearsal times, ALL of these are things of habit that need to be replaced with new habits... volunteer, join a band, do SOMETHING that will establish new habits that will replace the old ones. As humans, we are creatures of habit and maintaining habits will at the very least help with your sense of security in a time of turmoil.
So. There it is. I apologize to those of you who have gone through horrifying divorces that may dwarf what I am going through---but divorce is the closest I have been able to come to how I feel about my last church experience. I hope this helps you in some way, PLEASE message if I can be of any assistance in YOUR church divorce, I am here to help.
You will be ok. I made it, you can too.
Monday, October 18, 2010
WARNING-- STRONG PERSONAL OPINIONS!---41 things I have learned in 41 years
Consider yourself warned. If you read this and are offended, it's your own darn fault. Now I am older than half of you, and I am confident to disseminate the vast years of wisdom under my belt. You may, if you care to, peruse these utterly priceless bits of wisdom that I, in my vast arrogance--- have determined you cannot live without.....
1. You can end a sentence with a preposition without trashing your writing style if you really want to.
2. Keep any insanely trendy clothing, it WILL be back. Or be hilarious. Either way, it's useful. And send me any laughable pix, please.
3. Don't waste ANY time or energy on anyone who has their name stamped on the handle of the knives sticking out of your back. Even if they're related. Obligational relationship is an oxymoron.
4. It is well worth finding out who these people are and unloading them from your life.
5. Sushi is amazing. There are hundreds of varieties, don't tell me you hate it unless you have tried ALL of them. And wasabi rocks. I'm turning Japanese......I really think so.
6. Religious people and institutions are capable of keeping people in a kind of bondage that nothing else is capable of because they can claim God's will and threaten hellfire and brimstone.
7. It is okay with God that I am sarcastic and cynical. Really. I mean it.
8. Nerds always win in the end. Sorry jocks and cheerleaders. You are reading this on your computer or Blackberry and that is how I know I am right about this.
9. Many people lived out their glory days in high school, I just started mine a couple years ago.
10. What doesn't kill you really DOES make you stronger, but also more cynical.
11. Pink Floyd "Animals" is about corporations, but it could just as easily be about the institutional church.
12. I lose my phone several times a week.
13. The gay friends I have are some of the nicest, non-judgmental people I know.
14. Auto-tune can be used to induce vomiting.
15. No matter WHAT you do, there will always be people who hate you, and...
16. You NEED to have enemies. If you have no enemies, you stand for nothing.
17. My favorite music is the kind that MAKES you move, usually funk based, and YES I like disco, but I'm pretty picky about which songs.
18. You don't need most of the rules people think you need when raising young children.
19. I am hauling out the turntable again and buying some vinyl---it is aural Nirvana, even if you're not listening to the grunge band.
20. The fact that Scripture has always been translated in a patriarchal society has really messed things up for women.
21. I believe in polygamy. I think I need about 5 brother-husbands to wait on me and do the housework and laundry and such.
22. If you think the previous comment means that my marriage is in trouble, you probably shouldn't read my blogs. You are clearly not getting it. Refer to #7.
23. If you have a health problem, you should NEVER give up on finding a treatment-- took me almost 20 years for a proper diagnosis of MPS. DON'T GIVE UP
24. I am the same person I was when I was a kid, you change less in life than you may think.
25. Some of my friends I only talk to on Facebook are PRICELESS.
26. Having been through hell really helps when you sing the blues. Or sing anything else, it just makes everything so gritty and real...
27. which is why Miley Cyrus sucks.
28. Being free of controllers---including church and pastoral control---is absolutely imperative to having an abundant and joyful life. This was the key to escaping depression for me.
29. I am a good writer, singer, and leader; and it is okay for me to know and say that. What are YOU? It's important to find out, then be confident in who you are.
30. Relationship and love is paramount, especially with God.
31. Focusing on your life direction and purpose is worth it, even if the dishes and laundry pile up in the process.
32. It is perfectly ok for people to remain single and/or childless, LEAVE THEM THE HECK ALONE!!!!
33. Older people tell their story and attitude by the lines in their face.
34. I am really surprised that you have read this far.
35. "Goth" and "Emo" kids are deeper than those who don't know what a dark thought is.
36. I have an intense connection with friends who have been through horrific despair, some to the point of being suicidal. These are some of the deepest people I know, and I love their depth.
37. There is nothing fun about fundamentalism. It strips personality away, leaving cookie-cutter images that no longer are colorful or interesting enough to accomplish much in this world. Look at the world-changers throughout history... how many were fundamentalists in their belief system? Progress is the result of change, and fundamentalism is its antithesis.
38. It is well worth studying the principles of power and war, even if you are a total peacemaker. If you stand for anything at all, some of these tactics will be used against you whether you like it or not, and you will need to know how to defend yourself.
39. ALWAYS attempt to stop abuse when you see it. If compliants never stand up to abusers, it just continues.....
40. Your life belongs to YOU- do not let others run it for you.
and finally,
41. BE YOURSELF. Not a sanitized version of yourself, but the you that you WANT to be, with it's warts and beauty, loud or quietness, nonconformity or OCD, neuroses or levelheadedness, tall, short, fat, skinny, obnoxious, reserved, whatever you are THAT IS YOU and don't change it!
SO. There's my 41 thoughts, now can I hear yours?
1. You can end a sentence with a preposition without trashing your writing style if you really want to.
2. Keep any insanely trendy clothing, it WILL be back. Or be hilarious. Either way, it's useful. And send me any laughable pix, please.
3. Don't waste ANY time or energy on anyone who has their name stamped on the handle of the knives sticking out of your back. Even if they're related. Obligational relationship is an oxymoron.
4. It is well worth finding out who these people are and unloading them from your life.
5. Sushi is amazing. There are hundreds of varieties, don't tell me you hate it unless you have tried ALL of them. And wasabi rocks. I'm turning Japanese......I really think so.
6. Religious people and institutions are capable of keeping people in a kind of bondage that nothing else is capable of because they can claim God's will and threaten hellfire and brimstone.
7. It is okay with God that I am sarcastic and cynical. Really. I mean it.
8. Nerds always win in the end. Sorry jocks and cheerleaders. You are reading this on your computer or Blackberry and that is how I know I am right about this.
9. Many people lived out their glory days in high school, I just started mine a couple years ago.
10. What doesn't kill you really DOES make you stronger, but also more cynical.
11. Pink Floyd "Animals" is about corporations, but it could just as easily be about the institutional church.
12. I lose my phone several times a week.
13. The gay friends I have are some of the nicest, non-judgmental people I know.
14. Auto-tune can be used to induce vomiting.
15. No matter WHAT you do, there will always be people who hate you, and...
16. You NEED to have enemies. If you have no enemies, you stand for nothing.
17. My favorite music is the kind that MAKES you move, usually funk based, and YES I like disco, but I'm pretty picky about which songs.
18. You don't need most of the rules people think you need when raising young children.
19. I am hauling out the turntable again and buying some vinyl---it is aural Nirvana, even if you're not listening to the grunge band.
20. The fact that Scripture has always been translated in a patriarchal society has really messed things up for women.
21. I believe in polygamy. I think I need about 5 brother-husbands to wait on me and do the housework and laundry and such.
22. If you think the previous comment means that my marriage is in trouble, you probably shouldn't read my blogs. You are clearly not getting it. Refer to #7.
23. If you have a health problem, you should NEVER give up on finding a treatment-- took me almost 20 years for a proper diagnosis of MPS. DON'T GIVE UP
24. I am the same person I was when I was a kid, you change less in life than you may think.
25. Some of my friends I only talk to on Facebook are PRICELESS.
26. Having been through hell really helps when you sing the blues. Or sing anything else, it just makes everything so gritty and real...
27. which is why Miley Cyrus sucks.
28. Being free of controllers---including church and pastoral control---is absolutely imperative to having an abundant and joyful life. This was the key to escaping depression for me.
29. I am a good writer, singer, and leader; and it is okay for me to know and say that. What are YOU? It's important to find out, then be confident in who you are.
30. Relationship and love is paramount, especially with God.
31. Focusing on your life direction and purpose is worth it, even if the dishes and laundry pile up in the process.
32. It is perfectly ok for people to remain single and/or childless, LEAVE THEM THE HECK ALONE!!!!
33. Older people tell their story and attitude by the lines in their face.
34. I am really surprised that you have read this far.
35. "Goth" and "Emo" kids are deeper than those who don't know what a dark thought is.
36. I have an intense connection with friends who have been through horrific despair, some to the point of being suicidal. These are some of the deepest people I know, and I love their depth.
37. There is nothing fun about fundamentalism. It strips personality away, leaving cookie-cutter images that no longer are colorful or interesting enough to accomplish much in this world. Look at the world-changers throughout history... how many were fundamentalists in their belief system? Progress is the result of change, and fundamentalism is its antithesis.
38. It is well worth studying the principles of power and war, even if you are a total peacemaker. If you stand for anything at all, some of these tactics will be used against you whether you like it or not, and you will need to know how to defend yourself.
39. ALWAYS attempt to stop abuse when you see it. If compliants never stand up to abusers, it just continues.....
40. Your life belongs to YOU- do not let others run it for you.
and finally,
41. BE YOURSELF. Not a sanitized version of yourself, but the you that you WANT to be, with it's warts and beauty, loud or quietness, nonconformity or OCD, neuroses or levelheadedness, tall, short, fat, skinny, obnoxious, reserved, whatever you are THAT IS YOU and don't change it!
SO. There's my 41 thoughts, now can I hear yours?
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Dear Controller
Dear Controller,
I have decided to leave you. I once thought I needed you in my life, but now my eyes have been opened to the damage that you inflict upon myself, my personality, and the lives of those around you, though they rarely realize it. I know you think you are “helping”; you are not.
I am through with running interference for you, you can clean up your own messes from now on. I will NOT be available at your beck and call day and night, and it is perfectly okay, even right, that I no longer allow you in my life.
You caused me so much pain, and I tolerated it for such a long time, not knowing the joy I would find in being free from your grip. I no longer feel like I am under someone’s thumb; and I really don’t care what kind of arbitrary rules you think I should be following. I will not dress, act, think, respond, speak, or run my life as you think I should any longer.
You see, God gave me this beautiful gift.
It is called MY LIFE.
Did you catch the MY part?
My life is my own and no one else’s; my mistakes are my own to make. My history and my feelings are also mine, and I can talk about them as I wish. For so long I kowtowed and pandered to your whims, thinking I was pleasing God by doing so, but then I realized that God created me to have certain qualities that don’t necessarily please you.
I don’t care anymore. I am me, and I love God, and I know He made me this way for a REASON. You can call me arrogant, snobbish, selfish, full of myself, or whatever else. You never bothered to find out what is in my heart, you were too interested in your agenda for my life, so you don’t even know me, but my God knows, and my friends know, and they love me anyways.
I wish I had figured this out a long time ago- but now that I have, my thinking has been stretched beyond my old beliefs. I can’t, and WON’T, go back.
I know you are sad, but you are sad because those you control are leaving, one by one, and you really can’t live with yourself, with no one to control. That’s why you can’t leave me alone. You controlled me at one time, and now you don’t, and you miss that, don’t you? Well guess what? Now that all of the energy I once spent pleasing YOU and doing everything for YOU is being spent on my own life, my life is flourishing! I am doing great, and I have close friends, and my family is amazing. I had no idea my life could be so fun and wonderful. I am free, and you can’t take that away from me. I am free, and you can’t touch my freedom. YOU CAN’T HURT ME ANYMORE, and I’m NEVER going back.
So long, I won’t miss you, I am too busy enjoying my abundant life!
-Monica
I have decided to leave you. I once thought I needed you in my life, but now my eyes have been opened to the damage that you inflict upon myself, my personality, and the lives of those around you, though they rarely realize it. I know you think you are “helping”; you are not.
I am through with running interference for you, you can clean up your own messes from now on. I will NOT be available at your beck and call day and night, and it is perfectly okay, even right, that I no longer allow you in my life.
You caused me so much pain, and I tolerated it for such a long time, not knowing the joy I would find in being free from your grip. I no longer feel like I am under someone’s thumb; and I really don’t care what kind of arbitrary rules you think I should be following. I will not dress, act, think, respond, speak, or run my life as you think I should any longer.
You see, God gave me this beautiful gift.
It is called MY LIFE.
Did you catch the MY part?
My life is my own and no one else’s; my mistakes are my own to make. My history and my feelings are also mine, and I can talk about them as I wish. For so long I kowtowed and pandered to your whims, thinking I was pleasing God by doing so, but then I realized that God created me to have certain qualities that don’t necessarily please you.
I don’t care anymore. I am me, and I love God, and I know He made me this way for a REASON. You can call me arrogant, snobbish, selfish, full of myself, or whatever else. You never bothered to find out what is in my heart, you were too interested in your agenda for my life, so you don’t even know me, but my God knows, and my friends know, and they love me anyways.
I wish I had figured this out a long time ago- but now that I have, my thinking has been stretched beyond my old beliefs. I can’t, and WON’T, go back.
I know you are sad, but you are sad because those you control are leaving, one by one, and you really can’t live with yourself, with no one to control. That’s why you can’t leave me alone. You controlled me at one time, and now you don’t, and you miss that, don’t you? Well guess what? Now that all of the energy I once spent pleasing YOU and doing everything for YOU is being spent on my own life, my life is flourishing! I am doing great, and I have close friends, and my family is amazing. I had no idea my life could be so fun and wonderful. I am free, and you can’t take that away from me. I am free, and you can’t touch my freedom. YOU CAN’T HURT ME ANYMORE, and I’m NEVER going back.
So long, I won’t miss you, I am too busy enjoying my abundant life!
-Monica
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Eight Churches. Six Denominations. One Cynical Woman. (edited version)
OKAY.
Here it is.
I refer often to being involved in eight churches in six denominations, and thought you might want to know what the hey they were... so in case you were wondering, this is WHAT THEY WERE...
1) For starters: I was raised in a Polish Catholic family, complete with the full dose of guilt and kneeling for punishment. I remember staring around at all of the stained glass and statues and just KNOWING that I was interested in God, but wasn't gonna find him there...I was also briefly involved in an ultra-charismatic church when I was 17. Other than this 6 months or so, which I think just confused me, I believed in God but lacked real connection...
2) United Pentecostal Church, WI---Right out of the starting gate of believing God was real and that I loved Him and actually WANTED a relationship with Him.....well, you see, the person that had shared God with us was from this delightful Holiness denomination that suddenly stripped me of the rather colorful personality I was born with... goodbye to pants, makeup and FUN....
3) United Pentecostal Church, IL---As my husband went down to Champaign-Urbana to get his master's in music, OF COURSE we had to find a church in our "correct" denom; this place had an utterly OBNOXIOUS pastor who was extremely heirarchical... this place took holiness church to a whole new level of bondage. Stripped my personality even further at this joint.
4) Independent Pentecostal Church, WI--- We returned to WI of COURSE because that's where our original "church family" was and that's what you "should" do... but the pastor left the UPC and we went from being UPCers to being ex UPCers in an independent pentecostal mess of random doctrine---and then that pastor resigned and the pastor that took over sold this church and put the $ into a church right here where I live now in Waupaca. It was VERY mushy and things got VERY weird, as if they weren't weird enough in UPC anyhow...so we decided it was time for a move to....
5) Charismatic Camp! NC -----Down to the Deep South where they still have Dixie on the jukebox, after all of the charismaniac in-freaking-sanity of the previous place, we THOUGHT we were signing up for a normal Christian camp but we were actually signing up for half a summer of living in a rotting Airstream whilst charismatic weirdness reigned supreme....
6)Baptist Church/Masters Seminary, L.A.--- Desperately seeking solidity and terra firma beneath our feet, we packed it all up and moved to sunny CA for the specific cause of Mike attending Master's Seminary; which was John MacArthur's brain child of the ultimate doctrinally sound seminary. We found it to be completely dry, dead, unbelievably patriarchal and absolutely loveless. Once we got to LA, the Baptist church was paying Mike less than half what they said they would, and the baptist church turned out to be a highly political, nasty group of older folks who were more than willing to rip the pastor to shreds. Six weeks in, I found out I was pregnant--- I had horrendous endometriosis and was considered totally infertile, it was ENTIRELY impossible and unexpected. All we could do was move back to my sister's basement in WI where she was willing to allow us to stay. My first child was born while we were living in her basement.
7)Evangelical Free Church, WI---- We were here for ten years and thought this would be the church where we ministered the rest of our lives. This was initially exciting because there was a pastor who passionately preached the love of Jesus, and THAT is what we were looking for. Bought the whole package, and in time, my husband became the pastor of worship, with me being the main worship leader. Had some really good years here, although the constant pressure of some of the more conservative people and the way it was run like a business made us frustrated at times. Then the original pastor was gone..... went without a pastor for a year, then the youth pastor became the lead pastor. At this time, my husband was working there full time and I was volunteering close to full time. I tried as hard as I could to do everything that was asked of me, although at times I disagreed sharply with what was being asked and the changes that were being imposed on the worship department. I did start to sense that this was not the best place for us to be, but we still had what I thought was a successful, thriving ministry and I especially considered the members of the worship team and the staff to be my close personal friends. Then, on a Monday morning in Feb of 2008 my husband was abruptly fired. I lost my ministry and my support network on that day; and since I had given up my paying job to volunteer more at the church, and were both relying on my husbands income, we lost all our income as well. We did receive a decent severance, at the end of which we found out---guess what? There is no unemployment compensation for clergy positions. OUCH! Our disillusionment reached a new all-time high and I almost pitched it entirely except for...
8) Radiant Fellowship, WI; A of G
This is where we are now... a grace-based church that functions as a non-denom. At this point I should have given up, right?? Prob would NOT attend church at this point, except for a guy named Bob Adams who decided to start what I may call a hospital for hurting believers; I found the freedom to BE MYSELF here at long last; even when we disagree it's ok to do so. SO here is my oasis for the moment.
So. If you include my intensely Catholic upbringing, this is 8 churches in 6 denominations. Now you know why I am cynical, I have seen abuses and ugliness across the board.
I have also seen people loved, supported, and helped, and find God, and THAT is why I am still involved with the gathering at Radiant, even though I pretty much hate the trappings of church at this point. I hope you have enjoyed the history of my church life; please message me with any questions you may have, ESP if you can relate to any of this and think you could use a friend.
Thank you for listening, and good night.
Don't let the church folk bite.
Here it is.
I refer often to being involved in eight churches in six denominations, and thought you might want to know what the hey they were... so in case you were wondering, this is WHAT THEY WERE...
1) For starters: I was raised in a Polish Catholic family, complete with the full dose of guilt and kneeling for punishment. I remember staring around at all of the stained glass and statues and just KNOWING that I was interested in God, but wasn't gonna find him there...I was also briefly involved in an ultra-charismatic church when I was 17. Other than this 6 months or so, which I think just confused me, I believed in God but lacked real connection...
2) United Pentecostal Church, WI---Right out of the starting gate of believing God was real and that I loved Him and actually WANTED a relationship with Him.....well, you see, the person that had shared God with us was from this delightful Holiness denomination that suddenly stripped me of the rather colorful personality I was born with... goodbye to pants, makeup and FUN....
3) United Pentecostal Church, IL---As my husband went down to Champaign-Urbana to get his master's in music, OF COURSE we had to find a church in our "correct" denom; this place had an utterly OBNOXIOUS pastor who was extremely heirarchical... this place took holiness church to a whole new level of bondage. Stripped my personality even further at this joint.
4) Independent Pentecostal Church, WI--- We returned to WI of COURSE because that's where our original "church family" was and that's what you "should" do... but the pastor left the UPC and we went from being UPCers to being ex UPCers in an independent pentecostal mess of random doctrine---and then that pastor resigned and the pastor that took over sold this church and put the $ into a church right here where I live now in Waupaca. It was VERY mushy and things got VERY weird, as if they weren't weird enough in UPC anyhow...so we decided it was time for a move to....
5) Charismatic Camp! NC -----Down to the Deep South where they still have Dixie on the jukebox, after all of the charismaniac in-freaking-sanity of the previous place, we THOUGHT we were signing up for a normal Christian camp but we were actually signing up for half a summer of living in a rotting Airstream whilst charismatic weirdness reigned supreme....
6)Baptist Church/Masters Seminary, L.A.--- Desperately seeking solidity and terra firma beneath our feet, we packed it all up and moved to sunny CA for the specific cause of Mike attending Master's Seminary; which was John MacArthur's brain child of the ultimate doctrinally sound seminary. We found it to be completely dry, dead, unbelievably patriarchal and absolutely loveless. Once we got to LA, the Baptist church was paying Mike less than half what they said they would, and the baptist church turned out to be a highly political, nasty group of older folks who were more than willing to rip the pastor to shreds. Six weeks in, I found out I was pregnant--- I had horrendous endometriosis and was considered totally infertile, it was ENTIRELY impossible and unexpected. All we could do was move back to my sister's basement in WI where she was willing to allow us to stay. My first child was born while we were living in her basement.
7)Evangelical Free Church, WI---- We were here for ten years and thought this would be the church where we ministered the rest of our lives. This was initially exciting because there was a pastor who passionately preached the love of Jesus, and THAT is what we were looking for. Bought the whole package, and in time, my husband became the pastor of worship, with me being the main worship leader. Had some really good years here, although the constant pressure of some of the more conservative people and the way it was run like a business made us frustrated at times. Then the original pastor was gone..... went without a pastor for a year, then the youth pastor became the lead pastor. At this time, my husband was working there full time and I was volunteering close to full time. I tried as hard as I could to do everything that was asked of me, although at times I disagreed sharply with what was being asked and the changes that were being imposed on the worship department. I did start to sense that this was not the best place for us to be, but we still had what I thought was a successful, thriving ministry and I especially considered the members of the worship team and the staff to be my close personal friends. Then, on a Monday morning in Feb of 2008 my husband was abruptly fired. I lost my ministry and my support network on that day; and since I had given up my paying job to volunteer more at the church, and were both relying on my husbands income, we lost all our income as well. We did receive a decent severance, at the end of which we found out---guess what? There is no unemployment compensation for clergy positions. OUCH! Our disillusionment reached a new all-time high and I almost pitched it entirely except for...
8) Radiant Fellowship, WI; A of G
This is where we are now... a grace-based church that functions as a non-denom. At this point I should have given up, right?? Prob would NOT attend church at this point, except for a guy named Bob Adams who decided to start what I may call a hospital for hurting believers; I found the freedom to BE MYSELF here at long last; even when we disagree it's ok to do so. SO here is my oasis for the moment.
So. If you include my intensely Catholic upbringing, this is 8 churches in 6 denominations. Now you know why I am cynical, I have seen abuses and ugliness across the board.
I have also seen people loved, supported, and helped, and find God, and THAT is why I am still involved with the gathering at Radiant, even though I pretty much hate the trappings of church at this point. I hope you have enjoyed the history of my church life; please message me with any questions you may have, ESP if you can relate to any of this and think you could use a friend.
Thank you for listening, and good night.
Don't let the church folk bite.
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